WINDMILLS 

A  BOOK  OF  FABLES 

BY 

GILBERT  CANNAN 


NEW  YORK    B.  W.  HUEBSCH,  INC.    MCMXX 


COPYRIGHT,    1920,    BY 
B.    W.    HUEBSCH,    INC. 


PRINTED     IN     U.     S.     A. 


TO 
D.  H.  LAWRENCE 


2Q80261 


.  .  a  huge  terrible  monster,  called  Moulinavent,  *who,  with  four  strong 
arms,  waged  eternal  battle  iuith  all  their  divinities,  dexterously  turning 
to  avoid  their  blows,  and  repay  them  iuith  interest. 

A  TALE  OF  A  TUB 


CONTENTS 

SAMWAYS  ISLAND,  i 

I  TlTTIKER,    3 

II  THE  BISHOP,  5 

III  ARABELLA,  7 

IV  THE  SKITISH  NAVY,  10 

V  CAPTAIN  COURAGEOUS,  15 

VI  HOSTILITIES,  16 

VII  SlEBENHAAR,    1 8 

VIII  MORE  OF  SlEBENHAAR,    22 

IX  SlEBENHAAR  ON  WOMEN,   24 

X  LOVE,  26 

XI  Music,  26 

XII  ADRIFT,  29 

XIII  HUNGER,  31 

XIV  MILITARY,  31 
XV  NAVAL,  37 

XVI  NATIONAL,  38 

XVII  REUNION,  41 

XVIII  BETROTHAL,  42 

XIX  REACTION,  44 

XX  HOME,  46 

ULTIMUS,  49 

I  THE  SON  OF  His  FATHER,  51 

II  QUESTIONS,  53 


X  CONTENTS 

III  CIVILISATION,  57 

IV  WAR  AND  WOMEN,  62 
V  WIRELESS,  65 

VI  BICH  is  OBSTINATE,  67 

VII  PLANS,  72 

VIII  IN  FATTISH  WATERS,  74 

IX  AN  AFTERNOON  CALL,  77 

X  THE  MOST  BEAUTIFUL  WOMAN,  80 

XI  HIGH  POLITICS,  82 

XII  THE  PUBLIC,  87 

XIII  THE  EMPEROR,  89 

XIV  WAR,  93 

XV  SlEBENHAAR  ON  SOCIETY,    97 

XVI  PRACTICAL  CONSIDERATIONS,  98 

XVII  PEACE,  102 

XVIII  THE  RETURN  OF  THE  ISLAND,  104 

GYNECOLOGIA,  107 

I  HISTORY,  109 

II  CASTAWAY,  112 

III  MY  CAPTOR,  114 

IV  THE  CHANGE,  117 

V  THE  HOMESTEAD,  121 

VI  OBSEQUIES,  124 

VII  SLAVERY,  127 

VIII  A  STRANGE  WOOING,  128 

IX  THE  RUINED  CITY,  130 

X  THE  OUTLAWS,  132 

XI  EDMUND,  135 

XII  THE  NUNNERY,  138 


CONTENTS  XI 

XIII  IN  THE  CAPITAL,  142 

XIV  THE  EXAMINATION,  146 
XV  MEN  OF  GENIUS,  149 

XVI  REVOLUTION,  153 

OUT  OF  WORK,  159 

I  MR.  ELY'S  HEART  BREAKS,  161 

II  MR.  BLY  is  IMPRISONED,  162 

III  THE  DARK  GENTLEMAN,  163 

IV  THE  DARK  GENTLEMAN'S  STORY,  165 
V  COGITATION,  167 

VI  CONFLAGRATION,  167 

VII  TIB  STREET,  169 

VIII  MR.  ELY'S  SERMON,  171 

IX  THE  EFFECT  OF  MR.  ELY'S  SERMON,  173 

X  THE  WIDOW  MARTIN,  173 

XI  MAKING  A  STIR,  175 

XII  MAKING  A  STIRABOUT,  176 

XIII  SPARKS  FLYING,  177 

XIV  SMOULDERING,  178 
XV  SUCCOUR,  178 

XVI  ON  THE  ROAD,  181 

XVII  JAH,  183 

XVIII  JAH  SPEAKS,  185 

XIX  SONG,  1 86 

XX  MORNING,  187 

XXI  HOPE,  187 


PREFACE  TO  AMERICAN  EDITION 

PROPHECY  of  an  event  is  unlikely  to  be  interest- 
ing after  it  and  this  may  be  the  reason  why  my  pro- 
phetic utterances  regarding  the  Great  War  took  the 
form  of  Satire.  The  first  of  these  fables  has  a  his- 
tory. It  was  published  originally  in  London  as  a  lit- 
tle orange-covered  booklet,  called  Old  Mole's  Novel 
and  it  was  issued  simultaneously  with  Old  Mole,  a 
character  to  whom  I  was  so  attached  that  it  gave 
me  great  pleasure  to  attribute  authorship  to  him. 
Only  a  small  edition  was  printed  and  it  soon  ran  out 
of  print.  A  copy  of  it  reached  Germany  and  fell 
into  the  hands  of  a  group  of  young  men  who  were 
incensed  by  the  nonsense  the  high-born  Generals  and 
Admirals  were  talking  in  the  Reichstag  and  I  re- 
ceived enthusiastic  letters  asking  for  more  so  that 
these  caustic  prophecies  might  circulate  in  Germany 
and  serve  as  an  antidote.  That  was  more  encour- 
agement than  I  had  received  in  England  and  so,  for 
my  German  friends,  who  had  the  advantage  of  living 
under  a  frank  and  not  a  veiled  Junkerdom,  I  com- 
posed the  remaining  fables  and  finished  them  a  few 
months  before  the  outbreak  of  war.  The  trans- 

xiii 


XIV  PREFACE 

lation  was  proceeded  with  but  so  far  as  I  know  the 
book  was  never  issued  in  Germany.  It  appeared  in 
England  early  in  1915  and  this  intensely  patriotic 
effort  of  mine  was  condemned  as  unpatriotic  because 
we  had  already  caught  the  German  trick  of  talking 
of  war  as  holy.  It  sold  not  at  all  in  its  first  expen- 
sive edition  because  it  was  not  a  novel,  nor  an  essay, 
nor  a  play  and  the  British  public  had  no  training 
in  Satire,  but  I  have  since  had  letters  from  both  sol- 
diers and  conscientious  objectors  saying  that  the 
book  was  their  constant  companion  and  solace, 
and  I  have  recently  learned  that  in  a  certain  division 
of  the  British  Army  it  was  declared  to  be  a  court- 
martial  offense  for  any  officer  to  have  the  book  in 
his  possession,  presumably  on  the  principle  that  the 
soldier  must  not  read  anything  which  his  superiors 
cannot  understand.  That  of  course  was  good  for 
the  sale  of  the  book  and  the  cheap  edition  also  ran 
out  of  print  just  about  the  time  when  the  shortage 
of  paper  produced  a  crisis  in  the  affairs  of  authors 
and  publishers. 

The  book  was  useful  to  me  when  the  time  came 
as  evidence  that  my  objection  to  war  was  not  an 
objection  to  personal  discomfort,  the  element  of 
danger,  owing  to  my  ill  health,  not  arising  as  a  point 
at  issue,  though  that  would  not  have  made  any  dif- 
ference to  my  position.  My  objection  to  war  is  that 
it  does  not  do  what  its  advocates  say  it  does,  and 


PREFACE  XV 

that  no  good  cause  can  be  served  by  it.  Good 
causes  can  only  be  served  by  patience,  endurance, 
sympathy,  understanding,  mind  and  will. 

The  attempt  to  remove  militarism  and  mili- 
tary conceptions  from  among  human  preoccupations 
is  a  good  cause  and  that  I  will  serve  with  the  only 
weapon  I  know  how  to  use  —  the  pen,  which  they 
say  is  mightier  than  the  sword  or  even  the  howitzer. 
Having  applied  myself  to  this  service  before  the 
outbreak  of  the  Great  War,  which  for  me  began  in 
1911,  I  was  not  to  be  diverted  from  it  by  the  panic 
confusion  of  those  who  were  overtaken  by  the  ca- 
lamity rather  than  prepared  for  it.  With  Wind- 
mills, my  essay  on  Satire,  my  critical  study  of  Samuel 
Butler,  the  Interlude  in  Old  Mole,  I  was  an  active 
participant  in  the  Great  War  before  it  began,  but  of 
course  no  one  pays  any  attention  to  a  prophet,  espe- 
cially when  he  is  enough  of  an  artist  to  desire  to 
give  his  prophecy  permanent  form.  That  indeed 
was  my  mistake.  Had  I  thundered  in  the  accents 
of  Horatio  Bottomley  instead  of  clipping  my  sen- 
tences to  the  mocking  murmur  of  satire  I  might  have 
been  a  hero  to  some  one  else's  valet,  not  having  one 
of  my  own.  Peace  has  her  Bottomleys  no  less  re- 
nowned than  war,  but  I  am  afraid  I  am  not  among 
their  number,  for  I  have  long  since  returned  to  the 
serious  business  of  life,  the  composition  of  dramatic 
works,  and  I  am  in  the  position  that  most  ensures 


xvi  PREFACE 

unpopularity,  that  of  being  able  to  say  '  I  told  you 
so.' 

I  am  a  little  alarmed  when  I  consider  how  closely 
the  Great  War  followed  my  prophecy  of  it  and  turn 
to  the  fables,  Gynecologia  and  Out  of  Work, 
which  follow  logically  from  the  other.  A  world 
governed  by  women  as  lopsidedly  as  it  has  been  by 
men  would  be  much  like  that  depicted  here,  and  the 
final  collapse,  if  it  came,  would  surely  follow  the 
lines  indicated  in  Out  of  Work.  None  of  us  knows 
exactly  of  what  we  are  a  portent  and  who  can  imag- 
ine to  what  Lady  Astor's  flight  into  fame  may  lead? 
If  I  had  not  already  dedicated  this  book  to  my 
friend  D.  H.  Lawrence  I  would,  without  her  permis- 
sion, inscribe  upon  it  the  name  of  the  first  woman  to 
take  her  Seat  in  the  worst  club  in  London,  the 
House  of  Commons. 

GILBERT  CANNA.N. 
New  York,  1919. 


Samways  Island 


I:  TITTIKER 

GEORGE  SAMWAYS  awoke  one  night  with  a  vague 
distressful  feeling  that  all  was  not  well  with  his 
island.  The  moon  was  shining,  but  it  was  casting 
the  shadow  of  the  palm  tree  in  which  he  slept  over 
the  hollow  wherein  he  cooked  his  meals,  and  that 
had  never  happened  before. 

He  was  alarmed  and  climbed  down  his  palm  tree 
and  ran  to  the  tall  hill  from  which  he  was  accus- 
tomed to  observe  the  sea  and  the  land  that  floated 
blue  on  the  edge  of  the  sea.  The  ascent  seemed 
longer  than  usual,  and  when  he  reached  the  summit 
he  was  horrified  to  find  a  still  higher  peak  before 
him.  At  this  sight  he  was  overcome  with  emotion 
and  lay  upon  the  earth  and  sobbed.  When  he  could 
sob  no  more  he  rose  to  his  feet  and  dragged  himself 
to  the  top  of  the  furthest  peak  and  gazed  out  upon 
an  empty  sea.  The  moon  was  very  bright.  There 
was  no  land  upon  the  edge  of  the  sea.  He  raised 
his  eyes  heavenwards.  The  stars  were  moving. 
He  looked  round  upon  his  island.  It  was  shrunk, 
and  the  forests  were  uprooted  and  the  little  lake  at 
the  foot  of  the  hill  had  disappeared.  Before  and 
behind  his  island  the  sea  was  churned  and  tumbled,  as 

3 


4  WINDMILLS 

it  was  when  he  pressed  his  hands  against  the  little 
waves  when  he  went  into  the  water  to  cleanse  him- 
self. 

And  now  a  wind  came  and  a  storm  arose;  rain 
came  beating,  and  he  hastened  back  to  the  hole  in 
the  ground  he  had  dug  for  himself  against  foul 
weather.  Then,  knowing  that  he  would  not  sleep, 
he  lit  his  lamp  of  turtle  oil  and  pith  and  read  Titti- 
ker. 

Tittiker  was  the  book  left  .to  him  by  his  father 
whom  he  had  put  into  the  ground  many  years  be- 
fore, even  as  he  had  seen  his  father  do  with  his 
mother  when  he  was  a  little  child.  He  had  been 
born  on  the  island,  and  could  just  remember  his 
mother,  and  his  father  had  lived  long  enough  to 
teach  him  how  to  fish  and  hunt  and  make  his  clothes 
of  leaves,  feathers,  and  skins,  and  to  read  in  Tittiker, 
but  not  long  enough  to  give  him  any  clue  to  the 
meaning  of  the  book.  But  whenever  he  was  sad  it 
was  a  great  solace  to  him,  and  he  had  read  it  from 
cover  to  cover  forty  times,  for  it  was  like  talking  to 
somebody  else,  and  it  was  full  of  names  and  titles, 
to  which  he  had  attached  personages,  so  that  the  is- 
land was  very  thickly  populated.  Through  Titti- 
ker he  knew  that  the  earth  moved  round  the  sun, 
that  the  moon  moved  round  the  earth  and  made  the 
tides,  that  there  were  three  hundred  and  sixty-five 
days  in  the  year,  seven  days  in  the  week,  and  that 


SAMWAYS    ISLAND  $ 

printing  is  the  art  of  producing  impressions  from 
characters  or  figures. 


II:  THE  BISHOP 

WHEN,  the  next  morning,  he  crawled  out  of  his  lair 
he  saw  a  man  strangely  clad  in  black,  with  a  shiny 
corded  hat  on  his  head  and  an  apron  hanging  from 
his  middle  to  his  knees,  gazing  up  into  his  palm  tree 
and  down  into  his  kitchen.  The  man  in  black  saw 
him  and,  in  the  language  of  Tittiker,  said: 

"  Alas,  my  poor  brother!  " 

"  Are  you  my  brother?  "  asked  George. 

The  man  in  black  stepped  back  in  amazement. 

"  You  speak  Fattish?  "  he  cried. 

"  I  have  had  no  one  to  speak  to  for  many  years," 
replied  George;  "but  my  father  spoke  as  you  do." 

"  Let  us  pray,"  said  the  man  in  black,  kneeling 
down  on  the  sands. 

"Pray?     What  is  that?" 

"  To  God.  Surely  you  are  acquainted  with  the 
nature  of  God?  " 

The  word  occurred  in  Tittiker. 

"  I  often  wondered  what  it  was,"  said  George. 

"  Ssh !  "  said  the  man  in  black  soothingly.  "  See ! 
I  will  tell  you.  God  made  the  world  in  six  days  and 
rested  the  seventh  day.  ..." 


6  WINDMILLS 

"  It  took  me  nearly  six  days  to  dig  my  father's 
grave,  and  then  I  was  very  tired." 

"  Ssh !  Ssh !  Listen.  .  .  .  God  made  the  world 
in  six  days,  and  last  of  all  he  made  man  and  set  him 
to  live  in  his  nakedness  and  innocence  by  the  sweat 
of  his  brow.  But  man  ate  of  the  fruit  of  the  tree 
of  knowledge  and  became  acquainted  with  original 
sin  in  the  form  of  a  serpent,  and  his  descendants 
were  born,  lived  and  died  in  wickedness  and  were  re- 
duced to  so  terrible  a  plight  that  God  in  His  mercy 
sent  His  son  to  point  the  way  to  salvation.  God's 
son  was  crucified  by  the  Jews,  was  wedded  to  the 
Church,  and,  leaving  His  bride  to  carry  His  name 
all  over  the  world  and  bring  lost  sheep  home  to  the 
fold,  ascended  into  Heaven.  But  first  He  de- 
scended into  Hell  to  show  that  the  soul  might  be 
saved  even  after  damnation,  and  He  rose  again  the 
third  day.  His  Church,  after  many  vicissitudes, 
reached  the  faithful  people  of  Fatland,  which  for  all 
it  is  a  little  island  off  the  continent  of  Europe,  has 
created  the  greatest  Empire  the  world  has  ever  seen. 
The  Fattish  people  have  been  favoured  with  the 
only  true  Church,  whose  officers  and  appointed  min- 
isters are  deacons,  priests,  rural  deans,  prebendaries, 
canons,  archdeacons,  deans,  bishops,  archbishops. 
I  am  a  Bishop." 

"  All  that,"  said  George,  "  is  in  Tittiker." 

And  he  recited  the  names  and  salaries  of  six  dio- 


SAMWAYS    ISLAND  7 

ceses,  but  when  he  came  to  the  seventh  the  Bishop 
blushed  and  bade  him  forbear. 

"  That,"  he  said,  "  is  my  diocese."  And  he 
swelled  out  and  looked  down  his  nose  and  made 
George  feel  very  uncomfortable,  so  that  to  bridge 
the  difficulty  he  went  back  to  the  Bishop's  story. 

"  I  like  that,"  he  said.  "  And  Hell  is  such  a 
good  word.  I  never  heard  it  before." 

"  Hell,"  replied  the  Bishop,  "  is  the  place  of  dam- 
nation." 

"  Ah !  my  father  used  to  say  '  damnation.' ' 

"Ssh!" 

"  There  is  something  about  Jews  in  Tittiker,  but 
what  is  original  sin?  " 

The  Bishop  looked  anxiously  from  left  to  right 
and  from  right  to  left  and  in  a  very  low,  earnest 
voice  he  said : 

"  Are  there  no  women  on  your  island?  " 


III:  ARABELLA 

EVEN  as  the  Bishop  spoke  there  came  round  the 
point  a  creature  than  whom  George  had  not  even 
dreamed  of  any  more  fair.  But  her  garments 
seemed  to  him  absurd,  because  they  clung  about  her 
nether  limbs  so  as  to  impede  their  action.  She 
came  with  little  steps  toward  them,  crying: 


8  WINDMILLS 

"Father!" 

"My  child!     Not  dead!" 

44  No,  dear  father.  I  have  been  drying  my- 
self over  there.  I  have  been  weeping  for  you.  'I 
thought  I  was  the  only  one  saved." 

"  So  I  thought  of  myself.  What  a  wonderful 
young  woman  you  are !  You  look  as  if  you  were 
going  district  visiting,  so  neat  you  are." 

George  was  staring  at  her  with  all  his  eyes. 
Never  had  he  heard  more  lovely  sounds  than  those 
that  came  from  her  lips. 

"  My  daughter,  Arabella,"  said  the  Bishop. 

She  held  out  her  hand.  George  touched  it  fear- 
fully as  though  he  dreaded  lest  she  should  melt 
away. 

44  I  like  you,"  he  said. 

"  I'm  so  hungry,"  cried  Arabella. 

44 1  could  eat  an  ox,"  declared  the  Bishop. 

George  produced  a  kind  of  bread  that  he  made 
from  seeds,  and  the  leg  of  a  goat,  and  went  off  to 
the  creek  near  by  to  fetch  some  clams.  He  also 
caught  a  crab  and  they  had  a  very  hearty  breakfast, 
washed  down  with  the  milk  of  cocoanuts.  The 
Bishop  had  explained  the  situation  to  Arabella,  and 
she  said: 

44  And  am  I  really  the  first  woman  you  have  ever 
seen!" 

44 1  had  a  mother,"  replied  George  simply,  "  But 


SAMWAYS    ISLAND  9 

she  was  not  beautiful  like  you.  She  dressed  differ- 
ently and  her  legs  were  fat  and  strong." 

"  There,  there !  "  said  the  Bishop.  But  Arabella 
laughed  merrily. 

The  Bishop  told  how  they  had  been  with  nineteen 
other  Bishops  and  their  families  upon  a  cruise  in  the 
steam-yacht  Oyster,  each  Bishop  engaging  to  preach 
on  Sundays  to  the  lay  passengers,  and  how  the  pro- 
peller had  been  broken  and  they  had  been  carried 
out  of  their  course  and  tossed  this  way  and  that,  and 
finally  wrecked  (he  thought)  with  the  loss  of  all 
hands,  though  the  wireless  operator  had  stuck  to  his 
post  to  the  last  and  managed  to  get  off  the  tidings 
of  the  calamity  with  latitude  and  longitude  into  the 
air. 

It  all  conveyed  very  little  to  George,  but  it  was  an 
acute  pleasure  to  him  to  hear  their  voices,  and  as 
they  talked  he  looked  from  one  to  the  other  with  a 
happy,  friendly  smile. 

He  was  very  proud  to  show  his  island  to  his  vis- 
itors, but  distressed  at  the  havoc  wrought  by  the 
storm,  and  he  apologised  for  its  unusual  behaviour 
in  moving. 

"  It  has  never  done  it  before,"  he  explained,  and 
was  rather  hurt  because  Arabella  laughed. 

He  showed  them  where,  as  far  as  he  could  remem- 
ber, his  father  and  mother  lay  buried,  and  he  took 
them  to  the  top  of  the  hill,  and  to  amuse  them 


10  WINDMILLS 

caught  a  goat  and  a  little  kind  of  kangaroo  there 
was  in  the  forest,  and  a  turtle.  He  displayed  his 
hammock  in  the  palm  tree  and  showed  how  he  curled 
up  in  it  and  wedged  himself  in  so  as  not  to  fall  out, 
and  promised  to  prepare  two  other  trees  for  them. 
They  demurred.  The  Bishop  asked  if  he  might 
have  the  lair,  and  Arabella  asked  George  to  build 
her  a  house.  He  did  not  know  what  a  house  was, 
but  looked  it  up  in  Tittiker  and  could  find  mention 
only  of  the  House  of  Swells  and  the  House  of  Talk. 
Arabella  made  a  little  house  of  sand;  he  caught  the 
idea  and  spent  the  day  weaving  her  a  cabin  of  palm 
branches  and  mud  and  pebbles.  He  sang  whole 
passages  from  Tittiker  as  he  worked,  and  when  it 
was  finished  he  led  Arabella  to  the  cabin  and  she 
smiled  so  dazzlingly  that  he  reeled,  but  quickly  re- 
covered himself,  remembered  as  in  a  vision  how  it 
had  been  with  his  mother,  flung  his  arms  round  her 
neck  and  kissed  her,  saying: 

"  I  love  you." 

"  I  think  we  had  better  look  for  my  father,"  said 
Arabella. 


IV:  THE  SKITISH  NAVY 

FOR  three  nights  did  the  Bishop  sleep  in  the  lair 
and  Arabella  in  her  cabin.     A  grey  scrub  grew  on  the 


SAMWAYS    ISLAND  II 

Bishop's  chin,  and  during  the  daytime  he  instructed 
George  solemnly  and  heavily  as  he  delivered  him- 
self of  his  invariable  confirmation  address,  —  (on 
the  second  day  he  baptised  George  in  the  creek,  and 
Arabella  was  delighted  to  be  his  god-mother)  — 
with  an  eager  pride  as  he  told  him  -of  the  Skitish 
Isles  where  his  diocese  and  the  seat  of  the  Empire 
lay.  The  United  Kingdom,  he  said,  consisted  of 
four  countries,  Fatland,  Smugland,  Bareland,  and 
Snales,  but  only  Fatland  mattered,  because  the  Fat- 
tish  absorbed  the  best  of  the  Smugs  and  the  Barish 
and  the  Snelsh  and  found  jobs  for  the  cleverest  of 
them  in  Bondon  or  Buntown,  which  was  the  greatest 
city  in  the  world.  He  assured  George  that  he  might 
go  down  on  his  knees  and  thank  God  —  now  that 
he  was  baptised  —  for  having  been  born  a  Fattish- 
man,  and  that  if  they  ever  returned  to  Bondon  he 
would  receive  a  reward  for  having  added  to  the 
Skitish  Empire. 

George  knew  all  about  the  Emperor-King  and  his 
family,  and  liked  the  idea  of  giving  his  island  as  a 
present.  He  asked  the  Bishop  if  he  thought  the 
Emperor-King  would  give  him  Arabella. 

"  That,"  said  the  Bishop,  "  does  not  rest  with  the 
Emperor-King." 

"  But  I  want  her,"  answered  George. 

Thereafter  the  Bishop  was  careful  never  to  leave 
his  daughter  alone,  so  that  at  last  she  protested  and 


12  WINDMILLS 

said  she  found  Mr.  Samways  very  interesting  and 
was  perfectly  able  to  take  care  of  herself. 

So  she  was,  and  next  time  George  kissed  her  she 
gave  him  a  motherly  caress  in  return  and  he  was 
more  than  satisfied;  he  was  in  an  ecstasy  of  happi- 
ness and  danced  to  please  her  and  showed  her  all  the 
little  tricks  he  had  invented  to  while  away  the  tedium 
of  his  solitude,  as  lying  on  his  back  with  a  great 
stone  on  his  feet  and  kicking  it  into  the  air,  and  walk- 
ing on  his  knees  with  his  feet  in  his  hands,  and 
thrusting  his  toe  into  his  mouth.  He  was  downcast 
when  she  asked  him  not  to  repeat  some  of  his  tricks. 

On  the  fourth  day,  for  want  of  any  other  employ- 
ment, the  Bishop  decided  to  confirm  George,  who 
consented  willingly  when  he  learned  that  Arabella 
had  been  confirmed.  The  ceremony  impressed  him 
greatly,  and  he  had  just  resolved  never  to  have  any- 
thing to  do  with  Original  Sin  when  a  terrifying 
boom  broke  in  upon  their  solemnity.  Some  such 
noise  had  preceded  the  detachment  of  the  island, 
and  George  ran  like  a  goat  to  the  top  of  the  hill, 
whence,  bearing  down,  he  saw  a  dark  grey  vessel 
belching  smoke  and  casting  up  a  great  wave  before 
and  leaving  a  white  spume  aft.  Also  on  the  side  of 
the  island  away  from  his  dwelling  he  saw  two  sticks 
above  water,  and  knew,  from  the  Bishop's  descrip- 
tion, that  it  must  be  the  steam-yacht  Oyster.  He 
hastened  back  with  the  news,  and  presently  the  ves- 


SAMWAYS    ISLAND  13 

sel  hove  in  sight  of  the  beach,  and  it  conceived  and 
bare  a  little  vessel  which  put  out  and  came  over  the 
waves  to  the  shore.  A  handsome  man  all  gold  and 
blue  stepped  out  of  the  little  vessel  and  planted  a 
stick  with  a  piece  of  cloth  on  it  on  the  sands  and 
said: 

"  I  claim  this  island  for  the  Skitish  Empire." 
'  This  island,"  said  the  Bishop,  "  is  the  property 
of  Mr.  George  Samways." 

"  Damme,"  roared  the  man  in  gold  and  blue,  "  it 
isn't  on  the  chart." 

"  Mr.  Samways  was  born  here,"  said  Arabella 
with  the  most  charming  smile. 

'  Yes."  George  saw  the  man  glance  approvingly 
at  Arabella  and  was  anxious  to  assert  himself. 
"  Yes,  I  was  born  on  the  island,  but  it  broke  loose 
in  a  storm." 

The  officer  roared  again,  the  Bishop  protested, 
the  men  in  the  boat  grinned,  and  at  last  Arabella 
took  the  affair  in  hand  and  explained  that  her  father 
was  the  Bishop  of  Bygn  and  that  they  had  been  in 
the  ill-fated  Oyster. 

The  officer  removed  his  hat  and  begged  pardon. 
They  had  received  messages  from  the  Oyster,  but 
the  bearings  were  wrongly  reported.  Sighting  land 
not  marked  on  the  chart,  they  had  decided  to  turn  in 
to  annex  it,  but,  of  course,  if  Mr.  Samways  were  a 
Skitish  subject  that  would  be  unnecessary,  and  — 


14  WINDMILLS 

hum,  ha !  —  All's  well  that  ends  well  and  it  was  ex- 
tremely fortunate. 

Arabella  said  that  Mr.  Samways  was  not  only  a 
Skitish  subject  but  a  member  of  the  Church  of  Fat- 
land,  and  would  be  only  too  pleased  to  hand  over  his 
island  to  the  Colonial  or  whatever  office  might  de- 
sire to  govern  it.  Mr.  Samways  was,  so  far,  the 
island's  whole  permanent  population  and  would 
gladly  give  all  particulars.  For  herself  she  was  only 
anxious  to  return  to  Fatland,  and  was  excited  at  the 
prospect  of  travelling  on  board  one  of  the  Emperor- 
King's  ships  of  war.  Meanwhile  would  Mr. 

"  Bich." 
— would  Mr.  Bich  stay  to  luncheon? 

Mr.  Bich  stayed  to  luncheon.  In  the  afternoon 
he  made  a  rough  survey  of  the  island,  sounded  the 
surrounding  waters,  declared  that  movement  had 
ceased,  and  that  so  far  as  he  could  make  out  the 
island  was  fast  on  a  submarine  reef,  with  which  it 
had  collided  so  violently  that  a  promontory  had 
cracked  and  was  even  now  sinking,  and  with  it  the 
Oyster. 

Careful  examination  of  the  shore  on  that  side  of 
the  island  revealed  no  more  than  the  bodies  of  two 
Lascars,  two  nailbrushes,  a  corded  silk  hat,  a  Bible, 
a  keg  of  rum  and  five  tins  of  condensed  milk.  In 
that  awful  shipwreck  had  perished  nineteen  Bishops 
and  their  families,  a  hundred  and  ten  members  of 


SAMWAYS    ISLAND  i$ 

the  professional  and  trading  classes,  the  crew,  the 
captain,  mates,  and  a  cat. 

They  stood  there  on  that  wild  shore  amid  the  sol- 
itude of  sea  and  sky,  the  Skitish  officer,  the  Bishop, 
Arabella,  and  George  Samways,  and  their  emotions 
were  too  deep  for  words. 


V:  CAPTAIN  COURAGEOUS 

THE  ship  lay-to,  and,  while  the  Captain  and  Mr. 
Bich  discussed  the  island  in  the  language  of  their 
trade,  the  Bishop,  whenever  possible,  preached  a 
sermon,  or  discoursed  on  the  beauties  of  nature;  but 
Arabella  took  George  under  her  protection,  had  his 
hair  cut  and  his  beard  shaved,  and  with  a  smile 
bought  of  the  youngest  sub-lieutenant  a  suit  of  his 
shore-going  clothes,  a  set  of  shirts,  collars,  and  all 
necessary  under-garments.  George  found  them 
most  uncomfortable,  but  bore  with  them  for  her 
sake. 

As  the  result  of  the  eloquence  of  Mr.  Bich  the 
Captain  went  ashore  and  returned  to  report  that, 
the  promontory  now  having  sunk  to  the  depths  of  the 
ocean,  a  very  decent  harbour  had  been  made  and  the 
island  would  be  valuable  to  the  Empire  as  a  coaling- 
station.  His  pockets  were  bulging  when  he  came 
aboard,  and  Arabella  elicited  from  Mr.  Bich  that 


16  WINDMILLS 

the  island  was  rich  in  precious  stones  and  metals, 
and  that  the  pebbles  of  which  her  cabin  had  been 
built  were  emeralds  and  aquamarines  such  as  had 
never  before  been  seen.     Arabella  told  her  father, 
and  he  bade  her  say  nothing,  adding  impressively: 
"  We  must  protect  Mr.  Samways'  interests." 
But  George  was  thinking  of  nothing  but  the  best 
means   of   obliterating   Mr.    Bich,    upon   whom   it 
seemed  to  him  that  Arabella  was  casting  a  too  fa- 
vourable eye. 


VI:  HOSTILITIES 

As  the  ship  steamed  away  from  the  island  the  smoke 
of  another  vessel  was  sighted.  It  was  signalled,  but 
no  reply  was  hoisted.  There  was  great  excitement 
on  board  and  the  chief  gunner  said: 

"  Let  me  have  a  go  at  them." 

The  Captain  stood  upon  the  bridge,  a  figure  of 
calm  dignity  with  a  telescope  to  his  eye.  Mr.  Bich 
explained  to  Arabella  and  George  that  the  ship  was 
a  Fatter  ship,  and  that  the  Fatters  had  lately  been 
taking  islands  on  the  sly  without  saying  anything  to 
anybody,  because  they  were  jealous  of  the  Skitish 
Empire  and  wanted  to  have  one  too. 

"Do  islands  make  an  Empire?"  asked  George. 

"  Anything  you  can  get,"  replied  Mr.  Bich. 


SAMWAYS    ISLAND  17 

The  Fatter  ship  was  making  for  the  island. 
After  her  went  the  grey  vessel,  and  it  was  a  nose-to- 
nose  race  who  should  first  reach  the  harbour.  The 
Fatter  ship  won.  The  grey  vessel  fired  a  gun. 
The  gig  was  lowered  and  the  Captain,  looking  very 
grim  and  determined,  put  off  in  her.  .  .  .  Arabella 
dropped  a  pin  and  it  was  heard  all  over  the  vessel. 
It  was  a  relief  to  all  on  board  when  the  Bishop  knelt 
and  offered  up  a  prayer  for  the  Captain's  safety. 
The  Amen  that  came  at  the  end  of  it  brought  the 
tears  to  George's  eyes,  and  his  blood  ran  cold  when 
it  swelled  into  a  cheer  as  the  Captain's  gig  broke 
loose  from  the  Fatter  ship  and  came  tearing  over 
the  smooth  waters. 

The  Captain's  face  was  very  white  as  he  stepped 
on  deck  and  called  Mr.  Bich  and  the  other  officers 
to  his  state-room,  and  whiter  still  were  the  faces  of 
Mr.  Bich  and  the  officers  when  they  left  it.  The 
vessel  shook  with  the  vibration  of  the  engines :  there 
was  a  strange  and  stormy  muttering  among  the  men : 
the  vessel  headed  for  the  open  sea.  George  was 
taken  to  his  cabin  and  locked  in.  He  lay  down  on 
the  floor  and  tried  to  go  to  sleep.  A  roaring  and  a 
rumbling  and  a  banging  and  a  thudding  made  that 
impossible.  The  shaking  made  him  feel  so  sick  that 
he  wished  to  die.  Near  by  he  could  hear  Arabella 
weeping,  and  that  was  more  than  he  could  bear. 
He  thrust  and  bumped  against  his  door  and  worked 


l8  WINDMILLS 

himself  into  a  sweat  over  it,  but  it  seemed  that  it 
would  not  give.  As  he  reached  the  very  pit  of  de- 
spair, the  door  gave,  the  floor  gave,  the  walls  heaved 
in  upon  him;  in  one  roaring  convulsion  he  was  flung 
up  and  up  and  up,  and  presently  came  down  and 
down  and  down  into  the  sea.  It  tasted  salt  and  was 
cool  to  his  sweating  body  and  he  was  glad  of  it. 


VII:  SIEBENHAAR 

HE  was  not  glad  of  it  for  long,  because  he  soon  be- 
came very  cold  and  was  nipped  to  numbness.  He 
assumed  that  it  was  the  end,  and  felt  a  remote  regret 
for  Arabella.  Other  thought  he  had  none. 

When  he  came  to  himself  he  was,  or  seemed  to  be, 
once  more  in  the  room  from  which  he  had  been  so 
violently  propelled,  but  there  were  two  men  stand- 
ing near  him  and  talking  in  a  strange  tongue.  Pres- 
ently there  came  a  third  man  who  spoke  to  him  in 
Fattish. 

"  Hullo!  Thought  you  were  done  in,"  said  the 
man. 

George  stared. 

"  Done  in.     Dead." 

"  Yes,  I  was." 

The  man  laughed. 

"  Funny  fellow  you  are.     Eyes  just  like  a  baby." 


SAMWAYS    ISLAND  19 

"  Where  is  Arabella?"  asked  George.  "  Where 
ami?" 

"  Give  you  three  guesses,"  said  the  man. 

"On  a  ship?" 

"  Right." 

"  The  Emperor-King's  ship?  " 

"  No.  The  King-Emperor's.  You  have  the 
honour  to  be  the  first  prisoner  in  the  great  Fattero- 
Fattish  war." 

"War?     What  is  that?" 

'War?  You  don't  know  what  war  is?  Have 
you  never  read  a  newspaper?" 

"  I  have  only  read  Tittiker.  It  tells  about  a  War 
Office,  but  I  never  knew  what  it  was  for." 

"  My  name's  Siebenhaar,  engineer  and  philosoph- 
ical student,  and  I  fancy  you  are  the  man  I  have  been 
looking  for  all  my  life.  You  should  be  capable  of  a 
pure  idea.  ..." 

"  What,"  asked  George,  "  is  an  idea?  " 

Siebenhaar  flung  his  arms  around  him  and  em- 
braced him  and  recited  a  long  poem  in  his  own  lan- 
guage. 

"  You  shall  be  presented  at  the  Universities!  "  he 
said.  "  You  shall  be  a  living  reproach  to  all  writers, 
thinkers,  artists,  and  I,  Siebenhaar,  will  be  your 
humble  attendant." 

"  Did  I  say  anything  unusual?  " 

"Unusual?     Unique!     Colossal!     The  ultimate 


20  WINDMILLS 

question!  'What  is  war?  What  is  an  idea?' 
Ach?" 

George  insisted  on  an  explanation  of  the  meaning 
of  war,  and  then  he  asked  why  the  Fattish  and  the 
Fatters  should  be  intent  upon  mutual  destruction, 
and  also  what  the  difference  between  them  might  be. 

"  Difference?"  said  Siebenhaar.  "The  Fattish 
drink  beer  that  you  can  hold;  the  Fatters  drink  beer 
that  runs  through  you.  That  is  all  there  is  to  it." 

With  that  he  sent  for  some  Fatter  beer  and  drank 
a  large  quantity  himself  and  made  George  taste  it. 
He  spat  it  out. 

"  Is  that  why  they  are  making  war?  " 

Siebenhaar  smacked  his  lips. 

"  Man,"  he  said,  "  is  the  creature  of  his  internal 
organs,  almost,  I  might  say,  their  slave.  The  lungs, 
the  heart,  the  kidneys,  the  stomach,  the  bladder, 
these  control  a  man,  and  every  day  refashion  him. 
If  they  do  their  work  well,  so  does  he.  If  they  do 
it  ill,  then  so  does  he.  Each  of  the  organs  has  se- 
cretions which  periodically  choke  their  interaction, 
and  bring  about  a  state  of  ill-humour  and  discom- 
fort in  which  the  difference  between  man  and  man 
is  accentuated,  and  their  good  relations  degenerate 
into  hatred  and  envy  and  distrust.  At  such  times 
murders  are  committed  and  horrible  assaults,  but 
frequently  discretion  prevails  over  those  desires, 
suppresses  them  but  does  not  destroy  them.  They 


SAMWAYS    ISLAND  21 

accumulate  and  find  expression  in  war,  which  has 
been  led  up  to  by  a  series  of  actions  on  the  part  of 
men  suffering  from  some  internal  congestion.  Mod- 
ern war,  they  say,  is  made  by  money,  and  the  lust  for 
it.  That  is  no  explanation.  No  man  becomes  a 
victim  of  the  lust  for  money  except  something  inter- 
feres with  his  more  natural  lusts:  no  man,  I  go  so 
far  as  to  say,  could  so  desire  money  as  to  become  a 
millionaire  except  he  were  const " 

"  But  what  has  this  to  do  with  beer?  "  interrupted 
George. 

"  I'm    coming    to    that,"    continued    Siebenhaar. 

"  Beer  taken  in  excess  is  a  great  getter  of  secre- 
tions, and  man  is  so  vain  an  animal  as  to  despise 
those  whose  secretions  differ  from  his  own.  What 
is  more  obvious  than  that  the  implacable  enemies  of 
the  Eastern  hemisphere  should  be  those  whose  drink 
is  so  much  the  same  but  so  profoundly  different  in 
its  effects?  Internal  congestion  may  bring  about 
war,  but  in  this  war  the  material  is  undoubtedly  sup- 
plied by  beer.  And  I  may  add,  in  support  of  my 
theory,  that  once  war  is  embarked  upon,  those  en- 
gaged in  it  suffer  so  terribly  from  internal  disorgan- 
isation as  to  become  unanswerable  for  their  actions, 
and  so  mad  as  to  rejoice  in  the  near  prospect  of  a 
violent  death.  Moltke  was  notoriously  decayed  in- 
side and  the  state  of  Napoleon's  internal  organs  will 
not  bear  thinking  on." 


22  WINDMILLS 

George  protested  that  he  had  never  heard  of 
Napoleon  or  Moltke,  and  Siebenhaar  was  on  the 
point  of  embracing  him,  when,  muttering  something 
about  Fatter  beer,  he  rose  abruptly  and  left  the 
room. 


VIII:  MORE  OF  SIEBENHAAR 

"  THERE  is  a  woman  aboard,"  said  Siebenhaar  when 
he  returned.  "  I  suppose  you  have  never  seen  a 
woman?  " 

*'  Two,"  said  George  simply. 

Siebenhaar  slapped  his  leg. 

"  Have  you  any  theory  about  them?  "  he  asked. 

"Theory?  I  don't  know  what  theory  is.  I 
loved  them.  I  put  my  arms  round  their  necks  and 
rubbed  my  face  against  their  soft  faces.  It  was 
very  nice.  I  should  like  to  do  it  every  night  before 
I  go  to  sleep.  I  should  like  to  do  it  now." 

"  You  shall,"  said  Siebenhaar,  and  he  went  out 
and  came  back  with  Arabella. 

George  leaped  from  his  berth  and  flung  his  arms 
round  her  neck  and  embraced  her,  and  she  was  so 
surprised  and  delighted  that  she  kissed  him,  and 
Siebenhaar  wept  to  see  it. 

"  I  don't  know  who  you  are,  madam,"  he  said, 
"  but  if  I  were  you  I  should  stick  to  that  young  man 


SAMWAYS    ISLAND  23 

like  a  barnacle  to  a  ship's  bottom.  I  would  creep 
into  his  heart  and  curl  up  in  it  like  a  grub  in  a  ripe 
raspberry,  and  I  would  go  down  on  my  knees  and 
thank  Heaven  for  having  sent  me  the  one  man  in  the 
modern  world  who  may  be  capable  of  a  genuine  and 
constant  affection.  You  have  him,  madam,  straight 
from  his  mother's  arms,  with  a  soul,  a  heart,  as  vir- 
gin as  I  hope  your  own  are." 

Arabella  disengaged  herself  from  George's  now 
ardent  emlbrace,  drew  herself  up,  and  with  the  haugh- 
tiness of  her  race,  said: 

"  My  father  was  a  bishop  of  the  Church  of  Fat- 
land." 

"  That,"  said  Siebenhaar,  "  does  not  exempt  you 
from  the  normal  internal  economy  of  your  sex  or  its 
need  of  the  (perfectly  honest)  love  of  the  opposite 
sex.  My  point  is  that  you  have  here  an  unrivalled 
opportunity  of  meeting  an  honest  love,  and  I  im- 
plore you  to  take  it." 

"  I  would  have  you  know,"   retorted  Arabella, 
"  that  I  am  engaged  to  my  late  father's  chaplain." 

"  War,"  said  Siebenhaar,  "  is  war,  and  I  should 
advise  you  to  seek  protection  where  it  is  offered." 

"  If  you  would  hold  my  hand  in  yours,"  said 
George  to  Arabella,  "  I  think  I  should  sleep  now.  I 
am  so  tired." 

Arabella  held  George's  hand  and  in  two  minutes 
he  was  asleep. 


24  WINDMILLS 


IX:  SIEBENHAAR  ON  WOMEN 

'  THERE  are  some,"  said  Siebenhaar,  "  who  regard 
women  as  a  disease,  a  kind  of  fungoid  distortion  of 
the  human  form.  But  only  the  very  lowest  species 
are  hermaphrodite,  and  the  higher  seem  to  be  split 
up  into  male  and  female  for  the  purpose  of  repro- 
duction without  temporary  loss  of  efficiency  in  the 
task  of  procuring  food.  The  share  of  the  male  in 
the  act  of  reproduction  is  soon  over,  and  among  the 
wisest  inhabitants  of  the  globe  the  male  is  destroyed 
as  soon  as  his  share  is  performed.  Human  beings 
are  not  very  wise:  they  have  an  exaggerated  idea  of 
their  importance;  and  they  are  reluctant  to  destroy 
the  life  of  their  kind  except  in  occasional  outbursts 
of  organised  homicide  such  as  that  on  which  we  are 
now  engaged.  The  share  of  the  female  entails  the 
devotion  of  many  months,  during  which  she  needs 
the  protection  of  the  male,  whom,  for  that  reason, 
and  also  because  she  hopes  to  repeat  the  perform- 
ance, she  retains  by  every  art  at  her  disposal. 
Hence  has  arisen  the  institution  of  marriage,  which 
pledges  the  male  to  the  protection  of  the  female 
and  their  offspring.  Whether  a  moral  principle  is 
engaged  in  this  institution  is  a  question  upon  which 
philosophers  cannot  agree.  It  is  therefore  left  out 
of  most  systems  of  philosophy.  Mine  is  based  on 


SAMWAYS    ISLAND  2$ 

my  answer  to  it,  which  is  that  there  is  no  moral  prin- 
ciple engaged.  Morality  is  for  the  few  who  are 
capable  of  it.  Few  men  have  the  capacity  for  ideas, 
but  all  men  love  women,  except  a  few  miserable  de- 
generates, who  prefer  a  substitute.  There  is  no 
idea  in  marriage.  It  is  an  expedient.  Sensible 
communities  admit  of  open  relief  from  it;  in  duller 
communities  relief  has  to  be  sought  in  the  byways. 
And  still  no  moral  principle  is  engaged.  It  is  a  mat- 
ter only  of  supplying  the  necessities  of  human  nature. 
Now,  love  is  a  different  affair  altogether.  Love  is 
an  idea,  a  direct  inspiration.  It  alone  can  transcend 
the  tyranny  of  the  internal  organs  and  lead  a  man 
not  only  to  perceive  his  limitations  but  within  them 
to  create  beauty,  and  creative  a  man  must  be  directly 
he  becomes  aware  of  the  heat  of  love  in  the  heart  of 
a  woman.  There  is  no  other  such  purging  fire,  none 
that  can  so  illuminate  the  dark  places  of  the  world 
or  so  concentrate  and  distil  such  lightness  as  there 
is.  All  evil,  I  have  said,  comes  from  congestion;  to 
release  the  good  a  purge  is  necessary,  and. there  is 
no  purge  like  woman.  Therefore,  madam,  I  do 
most  solemnly  charge  you  to  tend  the  fire  of  love  in 
your  heart.  Never  again  will  you  find  a  man  so 
sensible  to  its  warmth —  (most  men  can  see  no 
difference  between  love  and  indigestion)  — Oh, 
madam,  discard  all  thoughts  of  marriage,  which  is 
an  expedient  of  prudence,  which  is  cowardice,  of 


26  WINDMILLS 

modesty,  which  is  a  lure,  of  innocence,  which  in  an 
adult  female  is  a  lie,  to  the  winds,  do  exactly  as  you 
feel  inclined  to  do,  and  love.  Madam " 

But  by  this  Arabella  was  asleep.  She  had  sunk 
back  against  George,  her  lovely  tresses  lay  upon  his 
shoulder,  and  her  hand  clasped  his. 

Siebenhaar  wiped  away  a  tear,  heaved  a  great 
sigh,  took  his  beer-mug  in  his  hand  and  crept  away 
on  tip-toe. 


X:  LOVE 


XI:  MUSIC 

ON  deck  was  a  band  playing  dirge-like  dragging 
hymns,  for  the  Admiral  of  that  ship  was  a  very  pious 
man  and  believed  that  the  Almighty  was  personally 
directing  the  war  against  the  enemies  of  Fatter- 
land,  and  would  be  encouraged  to  hear  that  ship's 
company  taking  him  seriously. 

No  sooner  did  Siebenhaar  set  foot  on  deck  than 
he  was  arrested. 

The  Chaplain  had  listened  to  every  word  of  his 
discourse  and  reported  it  to  the  Admiral,  who  de- 
tested Siebenhaar  because  he  was  always  laughing 


SAMWAYS    ISLAND  27 

and  was  very  popular  with  the  crew.  Word  for 
word  the  Chaplain  had  quoted  Siebenhaar's  sayings, 
so  that  he  could  deny  nothing  but  only  protest  that 
it  was  purely  a  private  matter,  a  series  of  opin- 
ions and  advice  given  gratuitously  to  an  interesting 
couple. 

"  Nothing,"  roared  the  Admiral,  "  is  given  to  the 
enemies  of  our  country." 

'  We  are  all  human,"  said  Siebenhaar.  "  I  was 
carried  away  by  the  discovery  of  human  feeling 
amid  the  callousness  of  this  pompous  war." 

The  Admiral  went  pale.  The  Chaplain  shud- 
dered. The  officers  hid  their  faces. 

"  He  has  spoken  against  God's  holy  war,"  said 
the  Chaplain. 

"  That's  all  my  eye,"  said  Siebenhaar.  "  Why 
drag  God  into  it?  You  are  making  war  simply  be- 
cause you  have  so  many  ships  that  you  are  ashamed 
not  to  use  them.  The  armament  companies  want 
to  build  more  ships  and  can  invent  no  other  way  of 
getting  rid  of  them." 

"  God  has  given  us  ships  of  war,"  said  the  Chap- 
lain, "  even  as  He  has  given  us  the  good  grain  and 
the  fish  of  the  sea.  Who  are  we  that  we  should  not 
use  them?  " 

The  sub-Chaplain  had  been  sent  to  discover  the 
effect  of  Siebenhaar's  advice  upon  the  enemies  of 
Fatterland.  The  accused  had  just  opened  his  mouth 


28  WINDMILLS 

to  resume  his  defence  when  the  sub-Chaplain  re- 
turned and  whispered  into  the  ear  of  his  chief. 

"  God  help  us  all !  "  cried  the  Chaplain.  "  They 
are  desecrating  His  ship !  " 

There  was  a  whispered  consultation.  George 
and  Arabella  were  brought  before  the  court,  and  if 
George  was  the  object  of  general  execration,  Ara- 
bella won  the  admiration  of  all  eyes,  especially  the 
Admiral's,  who  regarded  his  affections  as  his  own 
particular,  private  and  peculiar  devil  and  was  now 
tempted  by  him.  The  Chaplain  held  forth  at  great 
length;  the  Admiral  grunted  in  apostrophe.  Only 
Siebenhaar  could  interpret.  He  said: 

"  They  say  we  have  blasphemed  their  God  of 
War.  I  by  giving  advice,  you  by  acting  on  it.  It  is 
not  good  to  be  fortunate  and  favoured  among  hun- 
dreds of  mateless  males.  It  will  go  hard  with  us." 

"  And  Arabella?  "  asked  George. 

"  They  will  keep  Arabella,"  replied  Siebenhaar. 

They  were  silenced. 

A  boat  was  stocked  with  corned  beef,  biscuits, 
and  water.  George  and  Siebenhaar  were  placed  in 
it  and  it  was  lowered.  The  band  resumed  its  play- 
ing of  dirge-like  dragging  hymns,  and  through  the 
wailing  of  the  oboes  and  the  cornet-a-piston  George 
could  hear  the  sobs  of  Arabella. 


SAMWAYS    ISLAND  29 


XII:  ADRIFT 

"  Now/'  said  Siebenhaar,  "  you  have  an  opportunity 
to  exercise  your  national  prerogative  and  rule  the 
waves." 

George  made  no  reply.  His  internal  organs  were 
supplying  him  with  an  illustration  of  Siebenhaar's 
theory.  The  waves  did  just  as  they  liked  with  the 
boat,  sent  it  spinning  in  one  direction,  wrenched  it 
back  in  another,  slipped  from  under  it,  picked  it  up 
again  and  every  now  and  then  playfully  sent  a 
drenching  spray  over  its  occupants. 

Siebenhaar  talked,  sang  and  slept,  and,  when  he 
was  doing  none  of  these  things,  ate  voraciously. 

"  I  insist  on  dying  with  a  full  stomach,"  he  said 
when  George  protested. 

George  ate  and  slept  and  thought  of  Arabella, 
when  he  could  think  at  all. 

"  Death,"  said  Siebenhaar,  "  must  be  very  sur- 
prising: but  then,  so  is  life  when  you  penetrate  its 
disguises  and  discover  its  immutability.  We  hate 
death  only  because  it  is  impossible  to  pretend  that  it 
is  something  else,  so  that  it  comes  at  the  end  of  the 
comedy  to  give  us  the  lie.  After  this  experience  I 
think  I  shall  change  my  philosophy  and  seek  the 
truth  of  life  with  the  light  of  death.  You  never 
know:  it  might  become  fashionable.  Women  like 


30  WINDMILLS 

their  thoughts  ready-made,  and  they  like  them 
bizarre.  Women  are  undoubtedly  superior  to 
men.  ..." 

But  by  this  time  George  was  in  such  a  state  of  dis- 
comfort that  he  lay  flat  on  his  face  in  the  bottom 
of  the  boat  and  groaned : 

"  I  am  going  to  die." 

"  Eat,"  said  Siebenhaar,  "  eat  and  drink."  And 
he  offered  corned  beef  and  water. 

"  I  want  to  die,"  moaned  George,  and  he  wept 
because  death  would  not  come  at  once.  He  hid  his 
face  in  his  hands  and  howled  and  roared.  Sieben- 
haar himself  ate  the  corned  beef  and  drank  the 
water,  and  went  on  eating  and  drinking  until  he  had 
exhausted  all  their  supply.  Then  he  curled  up  in 
the  bows  and  went  to  sleep  and  snored. 

And  the  waves  changed  their  mood  and  gave  the 
boat  only  a  gentle  rocking. 

George  opened  his  eyes  and  gazed  up  into  the  sky. 
It  was  night  and  the  stars  were  shining  brilliantly. 
Red  and  yellow  and  white  they  were  and  they  danced 
above  him.  He  was  astonished  to  find  that  he  did 
not  wish  to  die.  He  was  very  hungry.  He  crawled 
over  to  Siebenhaar  and  shook  him  and  woke  him  up. 

There  was  neither  food  nor  water  in  the  locker. 

"  In  the  great  cities  of  the  civilised  world,"  said 
Siebenhaar,  "  there  are  occasional  performers  who 
go  without  food  for  forty  days.  We  shall  see." 


SAMWAYS    ISLAND  31 

_ 

"  I  am  thirsty,"  whimpered  George. 
'  Those  occasional  performers,"  returned  Sieben- 
haar,  "  drink  water  and  smoke  cigarettes,  and  they 
are  sheltered  from  the  elements  by  walls  of  glass. 
We  shall  see." 

With  that  he  turned  over  and  went  to  sleep  again. 


XIII:  HUNGER 

GEORGE'S  face  was  sunk  and  his  eyes  glared.  Sie- 
benhaar  tried  to  spit  into  the  sea,  but  it  was  impos- 
sible. He  was  daunted  into  silence. 

Another  day  began  to  dawn. 

"  If  this  goes  on,"  said  George  in  a  dry  whistling 
croak  of  a  voice,  "  I  shall  eat  you." 

And  he  glared  so  at  Siebenhaar's  throat  that  the 
philosopher  turned  up  his  coat  collar  to  cover  it. 


XIV:  MILITARY 

AT  dawn  a  shower  of  rain  came.  They  collected 
water  in  George's  boots.  They  had  already  eaten 
Siebenhaar's. 

Thus  revived,  George  stood  up,  and  on  the  edge 
of  the  sea  saw  blue  land  and  little  white  sails.  They 
came  nearer  and  nearer,  and  presently  they  were  de- 


32  WINDMILLS 

livered  by  a  little  vessel  that  contained  one  white 
man  and  ten  negroes.  Neither  George  nor  Sieben- 
haar  could  speak,  but  they  pointed  to  their  bellies 
and  were  given  to  eat. 

"  I  recant,"  said  Siebenhaar.  "  There  is  nothing 
to  be  learnt  from  death,  for  death  is  nothing.  The 
stomach  is  lord  of  life  and  master  of  the  world." 

With  that  he  recounted  their  adventures  and 
the  reason  for  their  being  in  such  a  woeful  plight. 
The  master  of  the  ship,  on  learning  that  Sieben- 
haar was  a  Fatter,  said  that  he  must  deliver  him  up 
as  a  prisoner  when  they  reached  Cecilia,  the  capital 
of  the  Fattish  colony  which  they  would  see  as  soon 
as  the  fleet  —  for  it  was  a  fishing  fleet  —  turned  into 
the  bay. 

"  As  a  Philosopher,"  said  Siebenhaar,  "  I  have  no 
nationality.  As  an  engineer  —  but  I  am  no  longer 
an  engineer.  The  Admiral  and  the  Chaplain  will 
have  seen  to  that.  My  life  is  now  devoted  to  Mr. 
Samways,  as  in  a  certain  narrower  sense  it  has  nearly 
been."  And  he  told  the  master  of  the  ship  how 
George  was  by  birth  the  proprietor  of  the  island  in 
dispute  between  the  two  nations,  and  how  the  island 
shone  with  precious  stones  and  glittered  with  a 
mountain  of  gold.  The  master's  cupidity  was 
aroused,  and  he  agreed  to  grant  Siebenhaar  his  lib- 
erty on  the  promise  of  a  rich  reward  at  the  conclu- 
sion of  the  war.  He  was  a  Fattishman,  and  could 


SAMWAYS    ISLAND  33 

not  believe  that  there  would  be  any  other  end  than 
a  Fattish  triumph. 

A  pact  was  signed  and  they  sailed  into  Cecilia,  the 
governor  of  which  colony  was  Siebenhaar's  cousin 
and  delighted  to  see  him  and  to  have  a  chance  of 
talking  the  Fatter  language  and  indulging  in  philo- 
sophical speculations  for  which  his  Fattish  colleagues 
had  no  taste.  He  welcomed  George  warmly  on  his 
first  entry  in  a  civilised  land,  and  was  delighted  to  in- 
struct him  in  the  refinements  of  Fattish  manners: 
how  you  did  not  eat  peas  or  gravy  with  your  knife, 
and  how  (roughly  speaking)  no  portion  of  the  body 
between  the  knees  and  shoulders  might  be  mentioned 
in  polite  society,  and  how  sneezing  and  coughing 
and  the  like  sudden  affections  were  to  be  checked  or 
disguised.  George  talked  of  Arabella  and  the  won- 
derful stir  of  the  emotions  she  had  caused  in  him. 
Colonel  Sir  Gerard  Schweinfleisch  (for  that  was  his 
name)  was  greatly  shocked,  and  told  how  in  the  best 
Fattish  society  all  talk  of  love  was  forbidden,  left  by 
the  men  to  the  women,  and  how  among  men  the  emo- 
tions were  never  discussed,  and  how,  since  it  was  im- 
possible to  avoid  all  mention  of  that  side  of  life,  men 
in  civilisation  had  invented  a  system  of  droll  stories 
which  both  provided  amusement  and  put  a  stop  to 
the  embarrassment  of  intimate  revelations. 

However,  as  George's  vigour  was  restored  by  the 
good  food  he  ate  in  enormous  quantities,  he  could 


34  WINDMILLS 

not  forbear  to  think  of  Arabella  or  to  talk  of  her. 
He  spoke  quite  simply  of  her  to  a  company  of 
officers,  and  they  roared  with  laughter  and  found  it 
was  the  best  story  they  had  ever  heard. 

When  the  officers  were  not  telling  droll  stories, 
they  were  playing  cards  or  ball  games  or  boasting 
one  against  the  other  or  talking  about  money. 

George  asked  what  money  was,  and  they  showed 
him  some.  He  was  disappointed.  He  had  ex- 
pected something  much  more  remarkable  because 
they  had  been  so  excited  about  it.  They  told  him  he 
must  have  money,  and  Colonel  Sir  Gerard  Schwein- 
fleisch  gave  him  a  sovereign.  A  man  in  the  street 
asked  George  to  lend  him  a  sovereign  and  George 
gave  it  to  him.  The  officers  were  highly  amused. 

The  adventurers  had  not  been  in  Cecilia  above 
a  week  when  the  town  was  besieged  and  presently 
bombarded.  Except  that  there  was  a  shortage  of 
food  and  that  every  day  at  least  thirty  persons  were 
killed,  there  was  no  change  in  the  life  of  the  place. 
The  officers  told  droll  stories  and  played  cards  or 
ball  games  or  boasted  one  against  the  other  or 
talked  about  money.  They  ate,  drank,  slept,  and 
quarrelled,  and  Geo-rge  found  them  not  so  very  much 
unlike  himself  except  that  he  was  serious  about  his 
love  for  Arabella,  while  they  laughed.  He  asked 
Siebenhaar  what  civilisation  was.  Said  the  philos- 
opher with  a  wave  of  his  hand: 


SAMWAYS    ISLAND  35 

"  They  have  built  a  lot  of  houses." 

"  But  the  ships  out  there  are  knocking  them 
down." 

'  They  have  made  railways  from  one  town  to  an- 
other." ' 

"  But  the  black  men  have  torn  the  railways  up." 
(For  the  native  tribes  had  risen.) 

Said  Siebenhaar: 

"  No  one  can  define  civilisation.  It  means  doing 
things." 

"Why?" 

"  Thou  art  the  greatest  of  men,"  replied  Sieben- 
haar, and  his  face  beamed  approbation  and  love  upon 
his  friend.  But  to  put  an  unanswerable  question  to 
Siebenhaar  was  to  set  him  off  on  his  theories. 

"  First,"  he  said,  "  the  stomach  must  be  fed. 
Two  men  working  together  can  procure  more  food 
than  two  men  working  separately.  That  is  as  far  as 
we  have  got.  Until  the  two  men  trust  each  other  we 
are  not  likely  to  get  any  further.  Until  then  they 
will  steal  each  other's  tools,  goods,  women,  and 
squabble  over  the  proceeds  of  their  work  and  make 
the  world  a  hell  for  the  young.  When  one  man 
steals  or  murders  it  is  a  crime :  when  forty  million 
men  steal,  murder,  rape,  burn,  destroy,  pillage,  sack, 
oppress,  they  are  making  glorious  history,  a  lot  of 
money,  and,  if  they  like  to  call  it  so,  an  Empire. 
But  Empire  and  petty  thefts  are  both  occasioned  by 


36  WINDMILLS 

the  lamentable  distrust  of  the  two  men  of  our  postu- 
late." 

"  But  for  Arabella,"  said  George,  "  I  could  wish 
I  had  never  left  my  island." 

News  of  the  war  came  dribbling  in.  The  island 
had  been  twice  captured  by  the  Fatter  fleet,  and 
twice  it  had  been  evacuated.  The  Patters  had  suf- 
fered defeat  in  their  home  waters  but  had  gained  a 
victory  in  the  Indian  seas.  Came  news  that  the  is- 
land had  again  been  captured,  then  the  tidings  that 
the  whole  of  the  Fatter  fleet  and  army  was  to  be  con- 
centrated upon  Cecilia  and  the  colony  of  which  it 
was  the  capital. 

"  Why?  "  asked  George. 

"  Because  a  new  reef  of  gold  has  been  discovered 
up-country." 

The  bombardment  grew  very  fierce.  From  the 
mountain  above  the  town  ships  of  war  could  be  seen 
coming  from  all  directions,  and  some  of  them  were 
Fattish  ships,  but  not  enough  as  yet  to  come  to  grips 
with  the  Fatter  fleet. 

The  inland  frontiers  were  attacked  but  held, 
though  with  frightful  loss  of  life.  Then  one  night 
from  the  Fatter  fleet  came  a  landing  party,  and  Col- 
onel Sir  Gerard  Schweinfleisch  called  a  council  of 
war,  and  the  officers  sat  from  ten  o'clock  until  three 
in  the  morning  debating  what  had  best  be  done. 

At  half-past  one  the  landing  party  were  only  a 


SAMWAYS    ISLAND  37 

mile  away.  A  shell  burst  in  the  street  as  George 
was  walking  to  his  lodging  and  three  men  were  killed 
in  front  of  him.  It  was  the  first  time  he  had  seen 
such  a  thing.  It  froze  his  blood.  He  gave  a  yell 
that  roused  the  whole  town,  ran,  was  followed 
by  a  crowd  of  riff-raff  seizing  weapons  as  they  went, 
and  rushed  down  upon  the  enemy,  who  had  stopped 
for  a  moment  to  see  two  dogs  fighting  in  the  road. 
They  were  taken  by  surprise  and  utterly  routed. 

There  is  no  more  rousing  episode  in  the  whole  mil- 
itary history  of  Fatland.  George  was  for  three  days 
the  hero  of  the  Empire.  He  received  by  wireless 
telegraphy  countless  offers  of  marriage,  ten  proposals 
from  music-hall  engagements,  and  by  cable  a  demand 
for  the  story  of  the  fight  from  the  noble  proprietor 
of  a  Sunday  newspaper.  It  was  impossible  to  per- 
suade that  noble  proprietor  that  there  was  no  extant 
photograph  of  Mr.  Samways,  and  a  fortune  was 
spent  in  cablegrams  in  the  fruitless  attempts  to  do  so. 


XV:  NAVAL 

As  it  turned  out  the  concentration  on  Cecilia  was  a 
fatal  tactical  error,  directly  traceable  to  the  King- 
Emperor,  who  had  never  left  the  capital  of  Fatter- 
land  and  had  been  misled  by  certain  telegrams  which 
had  been  wrongly  deciphered.  The  entire  Fattish 


38  WINDMILLS 

navy  was  collected  upon  the  bombarding  fleet  and 
utterly  destroyed  it. 

George  and  Siebenhaar  watched  the  engagement 
from  the  mountain  above  Cecilia.  It  was  almost 
humorous  to  see  the  huge  vessels  curtsey  to  the  water 
and  so  disappear.  It  was  astonishing  to  see  the  Fat- 
tish  admiral  surround  nine  of  his  own  vessels  and 
cause  them  also  to  curtsey  and  disappear. 

"  What  in  hell,"  said  George,  who  had  by  now 
learned  the  nature  of  an  oath,  "  what  in  hell  is  he 
doing  that  for?  " 

"  That,"  said  Siebenhaar,  "  is  for  the  benefit  of 
the  armament  contractors.  A  war  without  loss  of 
ships  is  no  use  to  them." 

And  suddenly  George  burst  into  tears,  because  he 
had  thought  of  all  the  men  on  board,  and  was  over- 
come with  the  futility  of  it  all  and  the  feeling  that 
he  was  partially  to  blame  for  having  been  born  on  his 
island. 


XVI:  NATIONAL 

THE  Fattish  are  an  emotional  race.  They  had  over- 
come the  Fatters,  and  the  only  outstanding  hero  of 
that  war  was  George.  They  insisted  on  seeing 
George.  They  clamoured  for  him.  They  sent  a 
cruiser  to  fetch  him  from  Cecilia,  and  the  com- 


SAMWAYS    ISLAND  39 

mander  of  that  cruiser  was  none  other  than  Mr. 
Bich,  who  had  won  promotion. 

His  astonishment  was  no  less  great  than  George's, 
but  his  adventures  were  less  interesting.  After  the 
destruction  of  the  ship  he  had  been  saved  by  a  turtle 
which  had  been  attracted  by  his  brass  buttons  and 
had  allowed  him  to  ride  on  his  back  so  long  as  they 
lasted.  He  had  had  to  give  it  one  every  twenty  min- 
utes, and  had  just  come  to  his  last  when  he  was  seen 
and  rescued.  He  had  thought  himself  the  only  sur- 
vivor, and  when  he  heard  that  Arabella  also  had  been 
delivered  from  the  waves  there  came  into  his  eye  a 
gleam  which  George  did  not  like. 

The  voyage  was  quite  monotonously  uneventful 
and  George  was  glad  when  they  reached  Fatland. 
The  Mayor,  Corporation,  and  Citizens,  also  dogs 
and  children,  of  the  port  at  which  he  landed,  turned 
out  to  meet  him;  he  was  given  the  freedom  of  the 
borough,  and  a  banquet,  and  at  both  ceremony  and 
meal  he  was  photographed. 

In  Bondon  he  was  given  five  public  meals  in  two 
days.  He  was  so  bewildered  by  the  number  of  peo- 
ple who  thronged  round  him  that  he  left  all  arrange- 
ments in  Siebenhaar's  hands,  and  Siebenhaar  liked 
the  banquets. 

He  was  received  by  the  Emperor-King  and  deco- 
rated, and  the  Empress-Queen  said:  "  How  do  you 
do,  Mr.  Samways?  " 


40  WINDMILLS 

He  was  followed  everywhere  by  enormous  crowds, 
and  outside  his  lodgings  there  were  always  ten  police- 
men to  clear  a  way  for  the  traffic.  His  romantic  his- 
tory had  put  a  polish  on  his  fame :  the  motherless  and 
fatherless  orphan,  all  those  years  a<lone  upon  an  is- 
land; no  woman  in  Fatland  old  or  young,  rich  or 
poor,  but  yearned  to  be  a  mother  to  him  and  make  up 
to  him  for  all  those  years.  And  then  the  wonderful 
story  of  his  acceptance  of  the  Fattish  religion,  his  re- 
ception on  those  golden  sands  into  the  church  at  the 
hands  of  the  good  Bishop  of  Bygn,  after  the  appal- 
ling disaster  to  the  Oyster.  All  was  known,  and  the 
emotional  Fattish  found  it  irresistibly  moving. 
George  in  all  innocence  created  a  religious  revival 
such  as  had  never  been  known.  The  theatres,  music- 
halls,  picture  palaces  were  deserted:  no  crowds  at- 
tended the  football  matches  or  the  race-meetings,  and 
when  the  newspapers  had  exhausted  the  Story  of 
George  Samways  their  circulation  dropped  to  next  to 
nothing.  The  situation  for  certain  trades  looked 
black  indeed. 

But  of  all  of  this  George  recked  nothing.  His 
one  thought  was  for  Arabella. 


SAMWAYS    ISLAND  41 


XVII:  REUNION 

/ 

SIEBENHAAR  took  a  malicious  delight  in  the  ruin  of 
the  newspaper  trade,  and  pledged  George  to  attend 
a  mammoth  church  meeting  in  Bondon's  greatest  hall 
of  assembly.  There  were  forty  bishops  on  the  plat- 
form, and  a  Duke  presided.  George  entered. 
There  were  tears,  cheers,  sobs,  sighs,  groans,  conver- 
sions; and  hundreds  suddenly  became  conscious  of 
salvation,  swooned  away  and  were  carried  out. 

The  Duke  spoke  for  fifty  minutes.  Mr.  Samways 
(he  said)  would  now  tell  the  story  of  his  — er — er — 

"  Have  I  got  to  say  something?  "  said  George  to 
Siebenhaar. 

"  Tell  them,"  said  Siebenhaar,  "  to  look  after  the 
stomach  and  the  rest  will  look  out  for  itself." 

George  advanced  toward  the  front  of  the  plat- 
form and  beamed  out  upon  the  eager  audience. 

Arabella  let  a  pin  drop  and  it  could  be  heard  all 
over  the  hall. 

It  was  Arabella!  For  a  moment  George  could 
not  believe  his  eyes.  It  was  she !  He  leaped  down 
from  the  platform,  took  her  in  his  arms  and  covered 
her  with  kisses. 

So  strong  was  the  hypnotic  power  of  his  fame  that 
there  was  no  male  in  that  huge  audience  but  followed 
his  example,  no  female,  old  or  young,  rich  or  poor, 


42  WINDMILLS 

but  yielded  to  it.  In  vain  did  the  bishops  protest 
and  quote  from  the  marriage  service  of  the  Fattish 
Church;  in  vain  did  they  go  among  the  audience 
and  earnestly  implore  the  individual  members  of  it 
to  desist.  They  replied  that  George  Samways  had 
revealed  a  new  religion  and  that  they  liked  it. 

And  above  the  tumult  rose  the  voice  of  Siebenhaar 
saying: But  what  he  said  is  unprintable. 


XVIII:  BETROTHAL 

How  he  escaped  from  the  pandemonium  George 
never  knew,  but  his  first  clear  recollection  after  it  was 
of  being  borne  swiftly  through  the  streets  of  Bondon 
with  Arabella  in  his  arms,  she  weeping  and  telling 
him  of  the  hard  and  vile  usage  she  had  been  put  to 
on  the  Fatter  ship,  for  the  Admiral  was  a  horrid 
man.  She  told  him  how  she  had  at  last  been  taken 
to  the  Fatterland  and  there,  by  her  father's  influ- 
ence —  (for  her  father  also  had  been  marvelously  de- 
livered from  an  untimely  end)  —  released  and  sent, 
first-class  at  the  expense  of  the  Fatter  Government, 
home  to  Fatland,  and  how  she  had  there  resumed  her 
old  life  of  district  visiting  and  tea  parties  and  dio- 
cesan conferences  and  rescuing  white  slaves  and  had 
been  content  in  it  until  she  had  seen  him,  when  all  her 
old  love  had  sprung  once  more  into  flame  and  she 


SAMWAYS    ISLAND  43 

would  never,  never  desert  him  more.  George  wept 
also  and  protested  that  he  would  never  leave  her 
side. 

She  took  him  to  her  home,  and  her  father,  who 
had  been  prevented  by  indisposition  from  attending 
the  meeting,  blessed  him  and  made  him  welcome. 

It  was  very  late  and  George  drew  Arabella  to  his 
side  and  said  he  would  send  for  his  things. 

"  Things !  "  said  the  Bishop. 

"  We  love  each  other,"  replied  George. 

"  Do  you  propose  to  marry  this  man?  "  asked  the 
Bishop. 

Arabella  blushed  and  explained  to  George  that  he 
must  go  away  until  they  were  married,  and  the 
Bishop  revealed  the  meaning  of  the  word. 

"  But  why?"  asked  George. 

"  It  is  so  ordained,"  said  the  Bishop,  and  George 
was  exasperated. 

"  I  love  Arabella,"  he  cried.  "  What  more  do 
you  want?  And  what  on  earth  has  it  got  to  do  with 
you  or  anybody  else  ?  I  love  Arabella,  and  my  love 
has  survived  shipwreck,  starvation,  explosion,  battle, 
murder,  and  the  public  festivities  of  Fatland.  .  .  ." 

With  extraordinary  cynicism  the  Bishop  replied: 

"  That  may  be.  But  it  is  doubtful  if  it  will  sur- 
vive marriage;  therefore  marriage  is  necessary." 

This  illogical  argument  silenced  George.  The 
Bishop  finally  gave  his  consent  and  the  marriage  was 


44  WINDMILLS 

arranged  to  take  place  in  a  month's  time,  and  the 
announcement  of  the  betrothal  was  sent  to  the  only 
remaining  morning  newspaper. 


XIX:  REACTION 

THERE  were  great  rejoicings  when  peace  between 
Fatland  and  Fatterland  was  signed  and  ratified,  and 
the  day  was  set  apart  for  an  imposing  ceremony  at 
the  Colonial  Office,  when  George's  island  was  to  be 
solemnly  incorporated  in  the  Empire. 

In  a  little  room  high  up  in  the  huge  offices  Field- 
Marshals,  Admirals,  and  Cabinet  Ministers  foregath- 
ered. The  State  Map  of  the  World  was  produced 
and  the  island  was  marked  on  it,  and  George  with 
his  own  hand  was  to  have  the  privilege  of  underlin- 
ing its  name  in  red  ink.  It  was  an  awful  moment. 
George  dipped  his  pen  in  the  ink — (it  was  the  first 
time  he  had  ever  held  a  pen  in  his  hand  and  he  had 
to  be  instructed  in  its  use) ;  he  dipped  his  pen  in  the 
ink,  held  it  poised  above  the  map,  when  the  door 
opened  and  a  white-faced  clerk  rushed  in  with  a  sheet 
of  paper  as  white  as  his  face.  This  he  gave  to  the 
Colonial  Secretary,  who  collapsed.  The  Lord  High 
Flunkey  took  the  paper  and  said: 

"Good  God!" 


SAMWAYS    ISLAND  45 

George  dropped  the  pen  and  made  a  red  blot  on 
the  State  Map  of  the  World. 

The  Lord  High  Flunkey  pulled  himself  together 
and  said: 

"  My  Lords  and  Gentlemen,  the  South  Seas 
Squadron  commissioned  to  annex  the  new  island  re- 
ports that  it  has  moved  on  and  cannot  be  found." 

"  This  is  a  serious  matter,  Mr.  Samways,"  said 
the  senior  Admiral. 

"  I'm  awfully  sorry,"  answered  George,  and  he 
walked  out  of  the  room. 

It  had  been  arranged  that  when  George  under- 
lined the  name  of  his  island  on  the  map,  the  national 
flag  should  be  run  up  on  the  offices  so  that  the  ex- 
pectant crowd  should  know  that  the  Empire  had 
been  enlarged  and  the  war  justified.  There  was  an 
appalling  silence  as  George  left  the  building.  He 
slipped  into  the  crowd  before  he  was  recognized  and 
before  the  awful  news  had  spread. 

There  was  a  groan,  a  hoot,  a  yell,  and  the  crowd 
stormed  and  raved.  Stones  flew,  and  soon  there  was 
not  a  window  in  that  office  left  unbroken. 

The  Government  resigned,  and  with  its  fall  fell 
George  Samways.  He  was  not  the  object  of  any 
active  hostility.  He  was  simply  ignored.  It  was 
as  though  he  had  never  been.  When  he  called  at  the 
Bishop's  house  to  see  Arabella,  the  footman  stared 
through  him  and  said  the  Bishop  would  be  obliged 


46  WINDMILLS 

if  he  would  write.  George  took  the  fellow  by  the 
scruff  of  the  neck  and  laid  him  on  the  floor.  Then 
he  ran  upstairs  to  Arabella's  room. 

"  You !  "  she  said. 

"  Yes.     I  love  you." 

"  We  can't  be  married  now." 

"  No.  We  needn't  wait  now.  You're  coming 
with  me." 

He  assisted  her  to  pack  a  small  handbag,  and  with 
that  they  set  forth. 

At  Gaorge's  lodgings  they  found  Siebenhaar  in 
argument  with  the  master  of  the  ship,  who  had  de- 
livered them  and  had  now  come  to  Bondon  to  claim 
his  reward.  He  had  sailed  from  Cecilia  in  his  own 
ship,  which  was  even  now  at  the  docks. 

"  We  will  sail  in  her,"  said  George,  "  and  we  will 
find  my  island." 

"  Find  the  island?  The  whole  navy's  looking  for 
it!" 

"  It  will  come  to  me,"  said  George. 

And  Siebenhaar  embraced  Arabella  and  congratu- 
lated her  on  having  taken  his  advice. 


XX:  HOME 

THEY  had  a  pleasant  voyage,  saw  the  sea-serpent 
twice,  and  when  they  came  to  the  South  Seas  every 


SAMWAYS    ISLAND  ^47 

night  George  sang  those  strange  melodious  chants 
that  he  had  made  out  of  Tittiker.  One  night  when 
they  had  been  at  sea  nigh  eight  months  up  and  down 
the  Southern  Seas  and  almost  into  the  Antartic, 
George  fell  into  a  kind  of  swoon  and  said: 

"  She  is  coming,  she  is  coming,  my  mother,  my 
land." 

And  Arabella,  fearing  for  his  reason,  implored 
Siebenhaar  to  distract  him  with  talk,  and  the  master 
of  the  ship  to  make  for  the  nearest  port.  But 
George  silenced  Siebenhaar,  and  in  an  unearthly 
voice  he  crooned: 

"  Cathoire  Mor,  or  the  Great  —  had  thirty 
sons. 

Conn  Ceadchadhach,  called  the  Hero  of  the 
Hundred  Battles  —  slain. 

Conaire  —  killed. 

Art-Aonfhir,  the  Melancholy  —  slain  in  battle. 

Lughaidh,  surnamed  MacConn  —  thrust 
through  the  eye  with  a  spear  in  a  conspiracy. 

Feargus,  surnamed  Black-teeth  —  murdered  at 
the  instigation  of  his  successor. 

Cormac-Ulfhada  — '  A  Prince  of  the  most  ex- 
cellent wisdom,  and  kept  the  most  splendid 
court  that  ever  was  in  Bareland  ' ;  choked  by 
the  bone  of  a  fish  at  supper  .  .  ." 

Near  dawn  he  rose  to  his  feet  and  stood  with  out- 


48  WINDMILLS 

stretched   arms,   yelling  at  the   top   of  his  voice: 

"Connor,    or    Conchabhar  —  'died   of   grief, 

being  unable  to  redress  the  misfortunes  of 

his  country.' 

Niall-Caillie  —  drowned  in  the  river  Caillie. 
Turgesius  —  '  expelled   the   Barish  historians, 

and  burnt  their  books  ' ;  thrown  into  a  lough 

and  drowned.  .  .  ." 

And  Siebenhaar  lifted  up  his  eyes  in  wonder,  for 
there  was  such  a  note  of  triumph  in  George's  voice. 

The  sun  was  casting  up  his  first  rosy  glow  upon 
the  sky,  and  against  it,  dark  blue,  almost  purple, 
stood  a  tall  hill  that  grew.  There  was  little  wind, 
but  the  ship  sped  forward. 

"My  beloved!  My  island!"  cried  George, 
and  Arabella  fell  upon  his  neck. 

As  the  sun  rose  above  the  horizon  they  slipped 
ashore  upon  the  yellow  sands,  and  George's  palm 
tree  bowed  to  them  and  they  four,  George,  Arabella, 
Siebenhaar  and  the  master  of  the  ship,  joined  hands 
and  danced  together. 

Then  George  took  Arabella  to  the  little  cabin  and 
he  said: 

"  The  house  I  built  for  you." 

But  Siebenhaar  said : 

"  I  am  devilish  hungry." 


Ultimus 


I:  THE  SON  OF  HIS  FATHER 

THOUGH  her  love  for  George  never  faded,  Arabella 
could  not  take  kindly  to  life  on  the  island.  She 
bore  herself  cheerfully  until  she  was  with  child,  and 
then,  when  she  began  to  plan  careers  for  her  son,  she 
was  oppressed  by  the  absence  of  opportunity  which 
that  life  could  afford.  She  told  herself  that  when 
she  was  dead  and  Siebenhaar  was  dead  and  George 
was  dead  the  boy  would  be  left  alone  with  the  Cap- 
tain, who  was  only  a  common  man.  She  had  an- 
other two  months  to  go  when  the  Captain  disap- 
peared one  night  with  his  ship  and  a  cargo  of  rubies 
and  emeralds.  The  blow  was  too  much  for  her:  the 
only  means  of  communication  with  the  world  of 
Bishops  and  white  slaves  was  gone;  she  sank  into  a 
profound  melancholy:  the  boy  was  born  before  his 
time ;  and  she  died. 

George  flung  himself  on  the  sands  and  wept  and 
swore  he  would  call  the  boy  Judas,  because  he  had 
betrayed  him.  However,  Siebenhaar  protested, 
saying  that,  as  the  boy  could  not  be  christened,  it  was 
not  right  to  give  him  a  Biblical  name.  He  said  that 
he  personally  should  call  him  Ultimus  as  he  bade 

51 


52  WINDMILLS 

fair  to  be  the  last  of  his  line,  unless,  as  had  happened 
before,  the  island  should  insist  on  its  population 
being  continued.  For  that  was  how,  after  much 
cogitation,  the  philosopher  had  come  to  explain  the 
previous  strange  adventure.  George  was  indiffer- 
ent, but  from  hearing  Siebenhaar  call  the  boy  Ulti- 
mus  he  also  adopted  the  name,  not  knowing  its  sad 
significance.  Bearing  deeply  imprinted  in  his  soul 
the  marks  of  his  unhappy  contact  with  the  world, 
George  forbade  all  mention  of  it  in  his  son's  pres- 
ence. Never  was  he  to  know  of  the  hateful  race 
who  inhabited  Fatland,  and  of  the  indomitable  Fat- 
ters  whose  admiral  had  so  shamefully  treated  his 
mother.  However,  Siebenhaar  used  to  talk  in  his 
sleep,  and  he  often  slept  in  the  middle  of  the  day. 
When  he  was  six  years  old  little  Ultimus  came  to  his 
father  and  said: 

"What  is  God?  What  is  an  engine?  Is  the 
world  round?  What  is  a  mother?  Who  is  Sieben- 
haar's  father?  What  is  a  professor?  Why  does 
Siebenhaar  talk  in  two  ways?  If  you  helped  me  to 
be  born  why  can't  I  help  someone  else?  Is  a  Bishop 
a  kind  of  man?  Did  I  kill  my  mother,  and  how  did 
I  do  it  if  I  never  saw  her?  Is  this  your  island? 
What  is  an  island?  Are  there  other  sorts  of  land? 
Are  the  stars  land?  Is  the  moon  land ?  Is  the  sun 
land?  If  you  are  my  father,  why  isn't  Siebenhaar 
some  one's  father?  Are  all  big  men  fathers? 


ULTIMUS  53 

How  do  they  do  it  ?  There  are  two  kinds  of  goats, 
why  aren't  there  two  kinds  of  men?  If  there  are 
she-goats,  why  aren't  there  she-men?  What  is  a 
ship?  Siebenhaar  is  always  talking  about  ships. 
What  is  money?  Are  you  a  King?  There  is  a 
King  in  Fatland.  When  is  a  father  grand?  .  .  ." 

George  gave  one  despairing  look  at  his  son.  He 
groaned : 

"  Arabella,  my  love,  my  love." 

Then  he  walked  out  into  the  sea  and  disappeared. 
A  few  hours  later  his  body  was  washed  up  on  the 
shore,  and  Siebenhaar  had  to  explain  to  the  boy  that 
his  father  was  dead.  Ultimus  said: 

"•He  walked  out  into  the  sea." 

"  To  such  peace,"  replied  Siebenhaar  solemnly, 
"  do  we  all  come." 


II:  QUESTIONS 

IF  the  boy's  questions  were  fatal  to  his  father  they 
were  a  delight  to  Siebenhaar,  who  had  no  further 
scruple  about  giving  instruction,  for,  in  the  hardship 
and  solitude  which  had  been  his  fate  since  his  en- 
counter with  George,  his  philosophy  had  matured 
and  he  saw  that  the  remaining  years  of  his  life  might 
be  spent  in  the  instruction  and  preparation  of  a  dis- 
ciple. 


54  WINDMILLS 

They  would  sit  for  hours  together  on  the  sands 
drawing  maps  and  diagrams  for  illustration.  Sie- 
benhaar  had  no  knowledge  which  he  did  not  com- 
municate to  Ultimus,  who  by  the  time  he  was  seven- 
teen was  a  master  of  mathematics,  German  philos- 
ophy, the  rudiments  of  physics,  chemistry,  geology, 
physiology,  biology,  psychology,  botany,  meteorol- 
ogy, astronomy.  They  made  wind  and  stringed  in- 
struments and  played  duets  composed  of  what  Sie- 
benhaar  could  remember  of  Beethoven.  The  boy 
was  a  good  sculptor  and  painter,  a  carpenter,  a  cab- 
inet-maker, a  mason,  a  cook,  an  engineer,  a  weaver, 
a  tailor,  a  cobbler.  He  could  read  and  write  five 
languages,  was  familiar  with  the  geography  of  the 
whole  world,  and  knew  the  situations  of  the  best 
brothels  in  all  the  first-class  ports.  When  he  began 
to  have  needs  which  there  was  no  means  of  satisfy- 
ing, Siebenhaar  explained  them  to  him : 

"  You  are  now  reaching  that  state  of  man  which 
reveals  the  futility  of  all  knowledge,  since  you  are 
awakened  to  desires  which  no  knowledge  can  satisfy. 
Rest  assured  that  in  the  world  your  case  would  be  no 
better,  but  rather  would  be  aggravated  by  'opportun- 
ity and  failure.  You  are,  at  any  rate,  spared  the 
tragedy  of  your  father  whose  love  destroyed  the 
object  of  his  desire  and  reduced  him  to  a  morbid  con- 
dition in  which  your  healthy  wish  for  knowledge  was 


ULTIMU3  55 

more  than  he  could  bear.  It  is  right  to  wish  for 
knowledge,  because  only  through  that  can  we  recog- 
nise our  ignorance,  and  see  the  humour  of  our  posi- 
tion. If  you  can  see  that  you  can  be  happy  and  glad 
that  you  have  lived." 

Poor  Ultimus  tried  hard  to  do  so,  but  he  often 
retired  from  their  conversations  to  weep,  and  Sie- 
benhaar  would  find  him  sitting  in  the  water  consol- 
ing himself  with  music.  The  unhappy  youth  be- 
came a  prey  to  boredom  and  wearied  of  the  arts  and 
sciences  and  discussions  with  which  they  filled  the 
day.  They  had  long  ago  arrived  at  the  conclusion 
that  there  was  no  God,  no  ascertainable  purpose  in 
the  universe,  and  nothing  in  life  but  the  fun  or  nui- 
sance of  living.  He  became  romantic  and  plagued 
Siebenhaar  for  stones,  love-stories,  bawdy  experi- 
ences, the  tale  of  his  meeting  with  George,  and  the 
deathless  fable  of  the  love  of  George  and  Arabella. 
From  that  he  came  to  delight  in  the  idea  of  war,  and 
Siebenhaar  explained  to  him  how  wars  came  about: 
how  in  the  first  place  men  were  obsessed  by  supersti- 
tions about  God,  each  community  believing  itself  to 
be  specially  favoured  and  inspired  by  the  unseen 
powers,  and  ignoring  all  the  evidence  to  the  con- 
trary, as  poverty,  disease,  corruption,  bad  art,  ineffi- 
ciency, and  domestic  unhappiness.  As  a  consequence 
each  community  was  jealous  of  every  other,  and  sup- 


56  WINDMILLS 

ported  its  claims  to  moral  superiority  and  divine 
favour  with  a  great  show  of  force,  of  armed  ships 
on  the  sea  and  trained  men  on  the  land. 

To  illustrate  his  remarks  Siebenhaar  concocted  ex- 
plosives and  Ultimus  found  such  great  amusement  in 
them  and  was  so  busy  destroying  the  houses  he  had 
built,  the  statues  he  had  made,  the  engines  he  had 
contrived,  that  the  philosopher  was  forced  to  change 
his  theory  of  war  and  to  see  that  it  has  its  roots  in 
boredom. 

Thereafter  Ultimus  was  alternately  busy  with  the 
arts  and  sciences  and  with  destroying  all  his  works 
when  he  was  bored  with  them  and  could  not  help  rec- 
ognising their  futility.  As  his  explosives  upset  Sie- 
benhaar's  nerves  and  the  tranquillity  he  required  for 
his  contemplation,  they  made  an  arrangement  that 
Ultimus  should  give  notice  of  his  destructive  inten- 
tions when  he  felt  them  coming  on.  Then  Sieben- 
haar would  retire  to  the  other  side  of  the  island  and 
leave  him  to  it. 

The  boy  made  a  careful  study  of  explosives  and 
experimented  with  them  until  he  could  send  huge 
palm  trees  hundreds  of  feet  into  the  air.  It  became 
his  ambition  to  blow  up  the  mountain.  He  made 
several  attempts,  but  could  not  succeed.  He  blew 
great  holes  in  it  and  discovered  mines  of  gold  and 
diamonds  and  platinum  and  various  new  earths  which, 
when  mixed  with  his  explosive,  increased  its  power. 


U  L  T  I  M  U  S  57 

But  the  mountain  seemed  to  be  capable  of  absorbing 
any  shock.  He  had  just  given  up  his  experiments  in 
despair  when  Siebenhaar  came  rushing  over  in  a 
great  state  of  excitement  to  say  that  the  island  had 
moved  a  degree  and  a  half. 

The  two  men  looked  at  each  other  incredulously, 
not  daring  to  believe  in  what  was  thumping  in  both 
their  minds.  They  prepared  a  new  charge,  took 
their  bearings,  exploded  it,  atid  found  that  they  were 
moving  at  the  rate  of  twenty-three  knots  an  hour, 
N.N.W.  The  next  charge  they  placed  so  that  the 
island  moved  W.N.W. 

They  could  then  navigate  and  go  whither  they 
pleased.  They  embraced,  danced,  killed  a  goat,  and 
drank  heavily  to  celebrate  their  triumph. 


Ill:  CIVILISATION 

THE  north  point  of  the  island  was  a  rocky  headland, 
a  precipice  hundreds  of  feet  above  the  sea-level.  Be- 
yond it  jutted  three  jagged  rocks.  One  morning 
Siebenhaar  found  on  one  of  these  rocks  the  hull  of  a 
vessel,  and  when  he  looked  closer  he  saw  a  man  sit- 
ting disconsolate  upon  it.  He  fetched  Ultimus,  who 
threw  stones  to  attract  the  man's  attention.  It  was 
impossible  to  make  him  hear.  They  gesticulated  to 
tell  him  to  swim  to  his  right,  and  at  last  he  caught 


58  WINDMILLS 

their  meaning,  stripped  and  plunged  into  the  sea. 
They  had  already  stopped  the  island,  which  was  now 
making  only  a  gentle  way,  so  that  there  was  no  dan- 
ger of  his  being  run  down. 

By  the  time  they  reached  the  shore  the  man  was 
already  sitting  on  the  sands  drying  himself  and  eat- 
ing a  cocoa-nut.  He  was  above  middle  age,  and 
had  a  little  fat  belly  and  long  thin  legs.  Siebenhaar 
addressed  him  in  Fattish,  and  the  man  said  he  was  a 
Rear-Admiral  in  the  Fattish  Navy  and  would  like  to 
know  what  in  hell  they  meant  by  ruining  his  battle 
in  which  he  had  got  the  Fatters  fairly  on  the  run. 

"  Battle?  "  said  Siebenhaar. 
'  Yes.  Four  cruisers,  six  destroyers,  and  tor- 
pedo craft.  All  gone  on  the  rocks.  The  most  amaz- 
ing thing  in  all  my  long  experience.  Not  a  sign  of 
a  rock  on  the  chart.  You  must  have  got  the  Fatters 
first,  for  their  firing  suddenly  ceased.  Who  are 
you?  What  are  you?" 

Siebenhaar  told  him  it  was  Samways  Island. 

The  man's  jaw  dropped. 

"  I  spent  the  best  part  of  three  years  after  that," 
he  said.  "  I  originally  annexed  it  for  the  Empire." 

"  Not,"  cried  Siebenhaar.     "  Not  Mr.  Bich?  " 

"  Bich  is  my  name." 

Siebenhaar  disclosed  his  identity  and  Rear-Ad- 
miral Bich  covered  his  amazement  and  emotion  with 
a  volley  of  expletives.  He  asked  after  George,  and 


ULTIMUS  59 

when  he  was  told  that  both  he  and  Arabella  were 
dead  he  could  not  check  his  tears. 

He  shook  Ultimus  warmly  by  the  hand  and  said 
he  was  the  very  spit  of  his  father,  with  a  strong  look 
of  his  mother.  Then  he  added:  "  I  must  not  for- 
get my  duty  as  an  officer,  and,  as  a  matter  of  form, 
I  claim  the  island  once  more  for  the  Empire." 

"  If  you  do,"  said  Ulticmus  quietly,  "  I  shall  blow 
you  in  pieces.  I  know  how  the  Fattish  Empire 
treated  my  father,  and,  but  for  your  kindly  thoughts 
of  my  mother,  I  would  send  you  to  join  the  ships 
which  I  am  only  too  happy  to  have  destroyed  if  such 
a  disaster  can  cause  any  genuine  commotion  in  Bon- 
don.  I  will  further  caution  you  to  be  careful  what 
you  say,  as  I  am  unaccustomed  to  society  other  than 
that  of  the  wise  Siebenhaar,  and  already  feel  my  soul 
filled  with  dislike  and  contempt  for  you.  This  island 
is  my  island  by  inheritance,  it  is  moving  by  my  will 
and  I  shall  allow  you  to  stay  on  it  just  as  long  as  you 
are  useful  to  me." 

Rear-Admiral  Bich  saw  the  strength  of  Ultimus' 
position  and  was  silent  until  Siebenhaar  asked  him 
for  news  of  civilisation,  when  he  expressed  surprise 
that  they  had  not  heard  of  the  war. 

"War?"  said  Siebenhaar.  "Are  they  still  at 
that  game?  Why,  we  were  told  that  the  Fattero- 
Fattish  war  was  to  be  the  last." 

"  That,"  replied  the  Admiral,  "  was  a  mere  skir- 


60  WINDMILLS 

mish.     There  are  six  or  seven  nations  at  war  with 
Fatterland." 

"  Alas!  my  poor  country!  "  cried  the  philosopher. 
"  I  knew  how  it  would  be.  Their  infernal  greed 
and  conceit,  their  confusion  of  mind,  their  slothful- 
ness,  their  desire  for  discipline,  their  liking  for  mon- 
uments and  display,  their  want  of  tact,  all  these  de- 
fects needed  but  success  for  them  to  grow  into  active 
vice  and  plunge  them  into  disaster.  To  any  nation 
a  period  of  successful  peace  is  fatal.  The  employ- 
ment of  commercial  cunning  unredeemed  by  any 
other  exercise  of  the  mind  is,  after  a  time,  unutter- 
ably boring,  and  the  most  obvious  relief  from  it  is 
found  in  the  ideal  of  a  nation  in  arms.  Now  that 
is  a  barren  ideal.  To  train  men  for  so  stupid  and 
brutal  a  trade  as  the  soldier's  is  to  increase  the  al- 
ready excessive  amount  of  stupidity  and  brutality  in 
the  world.  To  maintain  large  bodies  of  stupid  and 
brutal  men  in  arms  is  in  the  end  to  be  forced  to  find 
an  excuse  for  using  them.  Human  nature,  I  fear,  is 
incurably  pugnacious  and  destructive.  I  have  had 
to  amend  many  of  my  more  optimistic  opinions  con- 
cerning the  human  race  since  I  have  had  the  privilege 
of  watching  the  development  of  our  young  friend 
yonder.  He  is  normal,  healthy  and  intelligent,  and 
acquainted  with  all  the  resources  of  civilisation, 
physical  and  mental.  There  is  hardly  a  practical 
discovery  of  modern  science  that  I  have  not  placed 


ULTIMUS  6l 

at  his  disposal  for  his  use  and  amusement,  but  these 
do  not  satisfy  him.  He  is  not  exposed  to  the  nerv- 
ous pressure  to  which  in  our  crowded  modern  states  I 
used  to  ascribe  outbreaks  of  hostility.  No.  In  the 
absence  of  an  enemy  he  must  declare  war  upon  his 
own  handiwork,  upon  the  elements,  upon  the  very 
earth  itself." 

"  Before  you  go  any  further,"  said  the  Rear-Admi- 
ral, "  I  should  like  something  to  eat,  and  I  should 
like  to  explain  that  on  our  side  in  the  war  is  the  right. 
The  Patters  have  behaved  like  savages.  They  have 
burned  cities,  murdered  old  men  and  children,  raped 
women  and  committed  every  outrage." 

"  I  have  seen  something  of  warfare  myself,"  said 
Siebenhaar.  "  It  is  a  bestial  occupation.  When  a 
man  has  become  accustomed  to  slaughter  by  license, 
what  is  there  to  make  him  stop  at  minor  offences  such 
as  theft,  rape,  and  wounding?  Soldiers  who  are  un- 
chaste  in  peace  do  not  become  chaste  when  war  is  de- 
clared. In  a  friendly  country  the  women  consent. 
In  a  hostile  country  some  of  them  protest,  generally 
because  they  are  panic-stricken  and  in  terror  of 
worse  happening  to  them." 

"  This  war,"  said  the  Rear-Admiral,  "  is  holy." 

"  I  am  a  Fatter,"  replied  Siebenhaar,  "  and  the 
Patters  have  been  taught  for  generations  that  all 
war  is  holy  and  sanctifies  all  that  is  done  in  its 


62  WINDMILLS 

"  We,"  said  the  Fattishman,  "  fight  like  gentle- 


men." 


"  And,"  retorted  the  philosopher,  "  like  gentle- 
men you  burn  and  rape  and  pillage." 

"  Your  conversation,"  said  Ultimus,  "  has  inter- 
ested me  extremely.  I  am  filled  with  a  burning  de- 
sire to  see  civilisation,  war,  soldiers,  and,  above  all, 
women.  We  will  go  to  the  centre  of  civilisation, 
and  if  I  do  not  like  it  I  shall  blow  it  in  pieces." 

"  Two  can  play  at  that  game,"  said  Bich.  "  We 
have  explosives  too." 

For  answer,  Ultimus  reached  out  and  pressed  two 
wires  together.  There  was  a  rumble,  a  crash,  a 
thud,  and  hundreds  of  tons  of  rock  were  torn  away 
from  the  side  of  the  mountain  and  hurled  into  the  air 
to  fall,  miles  away,  into  the  sea. 


IV:  WAR  AND  WOMEN 

As  a  sailor,  Charles  Bich,  though  middle-aged,  liked 
nothing  better  than  to  talk  about  women.  He  was 
sentimental  about  them,  but  at  the  same  time  sensu- 
ally appreciative  of  their  beauty.  To  such  an  extent 
did  he  inflame  the  young  man's  imagination  that  Sie- 
benhaar  had  to  protest. 

"  It  is  a  shame,"  he  cried,  "  that  the  son  of  such  a 


U  L  T  I  M  U  S  63 

father  should  be  polluted  with  the  obsessions  of  civ- 
ilised men." 

With  the  air  -of  leaving  no  more  to  be  said,  Ulti- 
mus  remarked: 

"  I  like  them." 

"  So  do  all  unintelligent  men,"  replied  Siebenhaar, 
"  and  they  are  driven  mad  by  them  and  hope  against 
hope  for  the  day  when  all  restraint  will  be  removed. 
This  is  another  potent  factor  in  the  production  of 
war.  Women  are  not  to  the  same  degree  subject  to 
these  terrible  obsessions,  but  they  do  regret  their 
limited  opportunities  in  the  organised  society  of 
peace.  Further,  in  times  of  war  they  like  to  think 
that  men  are  fighting  for  them,  and  they  love  to  be 
regaled  with  stories  of  violence  and  outrage,  espe- 
cially those  who  have  been  entirely  chaste,  and  have 
no  hope  of  anything  else." 

The  Rear-Admiral  blushed. 

'  When  we  fight,"  he  said,  "  we  fight  for  our 
country,  our  King,  our  Empire,  for  the  all-red  map 
of  the  world." 

'  These,"  replied  Siebenhaar,  "  are  words.  Coun- 
try, King,  Empire,  are  protective  ideas.  What  you 
love  and  what  you  defend  is  your  mode  of  living, 
which  you  have  adopted  partly  because  you  have  a 
prejudice  in  favour  of  it,  partly  because  you  like  it 
better  than  any  other  you  can  conceive.  Your  living 
consists  in  eating,  drinking,  consorting  with  women, 


64  WINDMILLS 

and  rearing  any  family  you  may  produce.  Every- 
thing else  is  introduced  merely  to  disguise  any  un- 
pleasantness there  may  be  in  the  exercise  of  those 
functions.  For  the  most  part  they  are  lies,  illusions, 
hallucinations,  obsessions,  which  you  find  convenient 
to  cloak  your  unimportance.  As  a  naval  officer  you 
justify  the  absurd  occupation  by  which  you  procure 
your  livelihood.  My  young  friend  here  is  under  no 
such  painful  necessity  and  I  wish  him  to  be  spared 
all  mental  confusion." 

"  Personally,"  interrupted  Ultimus,  "  I  do  not 
wish  to  be  influenced  by  either  of  you.  You,  sir," 
addressing  Siebenhaar,  "  have  given  me  all  the 
knowledge  and  wisdom  you  have  stored  up  in  your 
adventurous  life,  and  you,  sir,  have  out  of  your  life 
of  duty,  given  me  a  new  interest  in  the  two  things, 
war  and  women,  which  have  hitherto  been  denied  me. 
I  am  much  obliged  to  you,  and,  if  you  don't  mind  we 
will  continue  the  erection  of  the  wireless  installation 
we  began  yesterday,  because  I  am  anxious  to  estab- 
lish communication  with  the  world  as  soon  as  possi- 
ble." 

Ultimus  and  Bich  retired  to  the  top  of  the  moun- 
tain leaving  Siebenhaar  sadly  tracing  on  the  sands  a 
rough  caricature  of  a  woman.  So  horrible  was  it  to 
him  that  he  could  not  finish  it  and  obliterated  it  with 
his  foot. 


U  L  T  I  M  U  S  65 


V:  WIRELESS 


EVERY  day  brought  messages  from  the  world.  The 
Fattish  had  made  a  glorious  retreat  of  sixty  miles. 
The  Waltzians  were  offering  a  glorious  resistance  to 
the  Grossians.  With  the  help  of  God  the  Patters 
had  gloriously  evacuated  their  trenches  on  the  west, 
and  heroically  withdrawn  from  a  river  on  the  east. 
With  assistance  from  above  the  Fattish  navy  had 
swept  the  Fatter  flag  from  the  seven  seas.  The 
Bilgians  had  been  nobly  extinguished,  though  their 
flag  was  still  flying  and  their  King  ruled  over  a 
flooded  country.  Hundreds  of  thousands  of  men 
were  killed,  wounded,  and  lost.  From  country  to 
country  General  congratulated  General,  Admirals 
sent  their  applause  to  Field-Marshals,  Statesmen 
exchanged  bravos,  and  monarchs  thanked  each  other 
and  God  for  timely  assistance. 

Rear- Admiral  Bich  said:  "Isn't  it  glorious  — 
glorious?  " 

"  At  present,"  replied  Ultimus,  "  I  am  so  confused 
that  I  can  make  nothing  of  it.  Why  are  they  all  so 
pleased  with  themselves?  Do  they  like  to  think  of 
thousands  of  men  dying?  " 

"  They  have  died  for  their  country.  They  are 
heroes." 

"  I  don't  see  that.     I  cannot  imagine  myself  going 


66  WINDMILLS 

out  of  my  way  to  die  for  my  island,  and  Fatland  is 
also  an  island." 

"  Ah!  "  said  the  Rear-Admiral.  "  But  there  are 
no  women  on  your  island,  no  little  ones,  no  homes." 

"  There  is  Siebenhaar  who  has  been  father  and 
mother  to  me,  master  and  instructor." 

"  Well !  Suppose  you  saw  men  designing  to  mur- 
der Siebenhaar,  would  you  not  raise  a  hand  to  de- 
fend him?" 

44  Not  if  I  saw  there  was  not  the  remotest  chance 
of  saving  him.  But  that  is  nonsense.  No  one 
would  want  to  murder  Siebenhaar." 

"  I  don't  know  about  that.  There  are  times 
when  he  is  so  exasperating  that  I  hardly  dare  answer 
for  myself." 

"  That  is  absurd,"  replied  Ultimus.  "  You  know 
that  I  should  destroy  you  at  once  if  you  did  anything 
to  Siebenhaar.  The  case  might  be  different  if  you 
were  in  such  a  position  that  there  would  be  conse- 
quences. But  why  deal  with  hypothesis  when  you 
are  confronted  with  facts?  " 

The  simple  sailor  was  no  hand  at  an  argument, 
and  just  at  that  moment  there  came  the  news  of  the 
loss  of  a  Fattish  fleet  after  an  encounter  with  the 
Patters,  with  an  account  of  the  heroic  death  of  the 
Commander,  Rear-Admiral  Sir  Charles  Bich. 

Unfortunately  the  island  was  not  yet  in  a  position 
to  transmit  messages  and  the  unhappy  Bich  had  to 


U  L  T  I  M  U  S  67 

rest  inactive,  crushed  with  the  burden  of  the  news  of 
his  own  death  and  his  inability  to  contradict  it. 

"  You  see,"  said  Ultimus,  "you  have  died  for  your 
country,  you  are  a  hero,  and  you  do  not  like  it  at  all." 


VI:  BICB  IS  OBSTINATE 

THE  point  was  argued  for  many  days.  Bich 
would  not  withdraw  from  his  assertion  that  it  was 
glorious  to  die  for  his  country,  but  at  the  same  time 
he  could  not  disguise  his  distress  at  having  done  so. 

"  If  I  had  died,"  he  said,  "  it  would  have  been 
glorious." 

"  Only  in  the  eyes  of  your  countrymen,"  said  Sie- 
benhaar.  "  You  already  have  that,  and  if  you  had 
died  you  would  not  have  known  anything  about  it." 

"  There  is  a  heaven  above,"  cried  Bich. 

"  Which  you  could  never  have  entered.  Has  not 
Heaven  enjoined  you  not  to  kill  and  not  to  resist 
evil?" 

"  In  the  service  of  my  country!  " 

"  What  does  heaven  know  of  your  country? 
Heaven  is  eternal.  Its  laws  are  for  eternity.  Your 
country,  your  Empire  are  mere  temporary  arrange- 
ments for  the  convenience  of  a  few  millions  of  men 
and  women  who  wish  to  profit  by  the  labours  of  peo- 
ple less  fortunate  than  themselves.  You  are  there- 


68  WINDMILLS 

fore  contending  that  it  is  glorious  to  die  for  a 
man's  material  advantage,  or,  in  other  words,  for  po- 
litical and  financial  vested  interests." 

"  I  am  prepared  at  any  moment  to  die  for  my 
country." 

"  You  have  died." 

"  I  have  not." 

"  You  have  died  and  been  given  the  glory  attach- 
ing to  such  death." 

"  That  is  what  I  cannot  bear." 

"  Then,"  said  Ultimus,  "  I  will  give  you  a  root 
which  will  procure  you  a  perfectly  painless  death.  I 
see  that  you  do  not  mind  dying  for  your  country  so 
long  as  you  do  not  know  about  it." 

"  And  that,"  put  in  Siebenhaar,  "  is  where  he  is 
consistent.  He  is  like  all  the  men  of  his  time  and 
condition;  he  does  not  mind  living,  in  fact  he  quite 
likes  it,  so  long  as  he  knows  nothing  about  it  and  is 
not  called  upon  to  realise  what  he  is  doing.  When 
he  is  faced  with  the  consequences  of  such  insensibility 
he  is  so  appalled  that  he  welcomes  the  idea  of  death, 
if  he  can  find  some  excuse  for  it.  Therefore  he  has 
invented  a  myth  called  his  country  and  proposes  to 
die  for  that.  Acording  to  his  prejudices  it  is  cow- 
ardly to  draw  a  fire-arm  upon  himself,  but  it  is  right 
and  brave  to  place  himself  in  the  line  of  some  one 
else's  fire.  Such  a  condition  of  imbecility  is  ex- 
tremely infectious.  It  sweeps  through  crowds  of 


U  L  T  I  M  U  S  69 

men  like  a  disease  through  cattle.  But,  as  men  are 
indomitably  hopeful,  they  do  not  destroy  each  other, 
as  you,  Ultimus,  might  suppose.  No,  they  wait  until 
they  can  discover  another  crowd  of  men  in  the  same 
lamentable  condition,  and  fall  upon  them  in  the  hope 
of  a  victory  which  shall  restore  their  self-conceit  and 
once  more  blind  them  to  the  appalling  consequences 
of  their  own  ill-doing.  And  here,  at  last,  we  do 
touch  upon  one  of  the  prime  causes  of  war.  Superfi- 
cially it  looks  as  though  the  immediate  cause  was  this, 
that  the  governors  of  States  make  such  a  mess  of  the 
affairs  with  which  they  are  entrusted  and  reduce  their 
people  to  so  lamentable  a  condition  that  they  must 
seek  war  as  an  outlet,  and  to  give  the  male  populace 
as  soldiers  the  food  which  they  have  made  it  impos- 
sible for  them  to  earn  as  workers.  There  is  also  the 
consideration  that  a  large  proportion  of  the  male 
populace  will  be  removed  from  all  possibility  of 
making  trouble.  That  is  an  interesting  but  a  super- 
ficial view  which  attaches  more  blame  to  the  rich 
than  they  deserve.  No.  A  more  profound  analy- 
sis gives  us  the  result  I  have  previously  indicated, 
that  wars  are  invariably  due  to  moral  epidemics. 
And,  since  the  human  race  will  always  be  subject  to 
them,  there  will  always  be  war." 

Ultimus  had  withdrawn  at  the  beginning  of  the 
discussion.  Having  no  knowledge  of  men  in  herds, 
he  could  not  follow  the  line  of  Siebenhaar's  argu- 


70  WINDMILLS 

ment.  He  returned  now  to  say  that  he  had  obliter- 
ated another  battle.  On  this  the  Rear-Admiral  was 
excited  and  wished  to  know  what  ships  he  had  seen 
and  what  flag  they  were  flying. 

"  I  do  not  'know,"  replied  Ultimus,  "  but  there 
were  nine  ships  attacking  three  and  that  struck  me 
as  so  unfair  that  I  decided  to  make  an  end  of  it." 

"  But  they  may  have  been  Fattish  ships !  Have 
you  no  regard  for  human  life?  " 

Said  Ultimus : 

"  There  was  no  sign  of  anything  human.  They 
looked  like  flies  on  the  water.  When  I  see  three 
scorpions  attacking  a  smaller  insect  I  always  kill  the 
scorpions  for  their  cowardice  and  the  insect  for  hav- 
ing called  down  their  anger  upon  itself." 

Rear-Admiral  Bich  drew  himself  up  to  his  full 
height  and  said : 

"  As  a  Christian  I  protest.  As  an  officer  and  a 
gentleman  I  must  ask  you  to  put  me  ashore  at  the 
first  opportunity.  They  may  be  Fattish  ships  which 
you  have  destroyed.  My  King  and  country  need 


me." 


"  Come,  come,"  interposed  Siebenhaar, 
King  and  country  are  probably  doing  very  well  with- 
out you.  They  have  an  immense  geographical  ad- 
vantage which  only  the  blind  jealousy  of  the  Fatters 
makes  it  impossible  for  them  to  admit.  You  are  al- 
ready a  hero;  poems  have  in  all  probability  been 


ULTIMUS  71 

written  to  your  memory.  You  had  better  stay  with 
us.  It  will  be  much  more  amusing  to  see  what  ef- 
fect Ultimus  has  on  civilisation  than  to  plunge  back 
into  the  fever  which  has  seized  it." 

The  Rear-Admiral  looked  scornful  and  very  proud 
and  said: 

"  Herr  Siebenhaar,  on  our  previous  acquaintance 
only  the  protection  of  the  late  heroic  Mr.  Samways 
prevented  me  from  denouncing  you  as  a  Fatter  spy. 
I  have  not  forgotten." 

"  What,"  asked  Ultimus,  "  is  a  spy?  " 

"  Spies,"  replied  Siebenhaar,  "  are  corrupt  and 
useless  people  who  are  sent  out  to  frighten  a  hostile 
nation  by  making  them  think  that  the  enemy  knows 
more  about  them  than  they  do  themselves.  They 
are  only  used  when  the  desire  for  war  is  very  strong. 
They  exercise  a  paralysing  effect  upon  the  civil  pop- 
ulation and  deliver  them  up  to  the  guidance  of  their 
own  military  authorities.  They  are  like  microbes 
which  carry  the  war  fever  from  one  country  to  an- 
other. I  regret  that  Sir  Charles  should  have  so 
small  an  opinion  of  my  intelligence  as  to  think  that 
my  country  would  make  so  trivial  a  use  of  me." 

"  I  can't  stand  all  this  talk,"  muttered  the  Rear- 
Admiral,  and  he  went  away  and  all  night  long  paced 
up  and  down  the  sands  on  the  other  side  of  the  is- 
land, imagining  that  he  was  once  more  serving  his 
King  and  country  on  his  own  quarter-deck. 


72  WINDMILLS 


VII:  PLANS 

IN  secret  the  indomitable  servant  of  his  country 
made  himself  a  boat,  a  coracle  of  palm  branches  and 
mud,  and  when,  a  week  later,  they  came  in  sight  of 
land  and  Ultimus  put  in  close  to  have  a  good  look  at 
it  and  the  little  white  city  built  by  the  mouth  of  a 
river,  he  put  off  in  it  without  so  much  as  saying  good- 
bye or  thank  you  for  the  hospitality  he  had  received. 

"  He  will  come  back,"  said  Siebenhaar;  "  he  will 
come  and  try  to  annex  the  island.  No  Fattish  officer 
can  resist  an  island  and  the  Fattish  have  been  known 
to  waste  thousands  of  lives  in  order  to  add  a  bare 
rock  or  a  pestilential  swamp  to  their  Empire.  It  is 
an  amiable  lunacy  which  my  unhappy  race,  who  can- 
not appreciate  their  geographical  disadvantage,  are 
trying  to  emulate.  What  is  the  news  of  the  war 
to-day?" 

"  The  official  reports  all  agree  in  saying  that  there 
is  no  further  development.  Every  capable  man  in 
every  country  is  now  bearing  arms.  All  other  activ- 
ity is  at  a  standstill.  Stern  measures  have  had  to  be 
taken  by  the  various  governments  to  stop  the  emi- 
gration of  pregnant  women  to  the  peaceful  countries 
on  the  other  side  of  the  world." 

"Ah!  "  said  Siebenhaar,  "  I  thought  that  would 
happen,  I  thought  the  women  would  revolt  as  soon 


U  L  T  I  M  U  S  73 

as  war  ceased  to  be  an  excitement  and  became  a 
trade." 

"  Some  of  the  Governments,"  added  Ultimus, 
"  are  paying  women  over  forty-five  years  of  age 
to  go." 

Siebenhaar  chuckled. 

"  It  is  time  we  interfered,  Ultimus.  When  they 
lose  their  sense  of  humour  so  far  as  that,  it  is  time 
for  action.  We  will  go  to  Fatland.  Where  are 
we  now?  " 

"  Off  the  coast  of  Africa." 

'  We  will  lie  out  to  sea  until  we  have  prepared  the 
island  against  all  dangers.  First  of  all  we  will  blow 
up  the  harbour.  Then  we  will  mine  the  shores  all 
round.  We  will  prepare  the  rocks  on  the  tops  of  the 
mountains  for  missiles  and  we  will  lay  in  a  great 
stock  of  your  new  transmissible  explosive.  We  will 
then  block  the  mouth  of  the  great  Fattish  river,  and 
we  shall  see  what  we  shall  see.  An  intelligent  use  of 
explosives  should  be  able  to  counteract  and  if  neces- 
sary to  crush  the  fatuous  use  of  them  that  is  now 
being  made.  We  will  try  persuasion,  threats,  and 
violence  in  that  order  to  stop  the  war,  and  if  then  we 
cannot  succeed  we  will  abandon  the  human  race  al- 
together and  return  to  our  own  Southern  Seas." 

"  You  forget,"  expostulated  Ultimus,  "  that  I  was 
drawn  here  out  of  curiosity  as  to  something  else  be- 
sides the  war,  and  that  is,  woman." 


74  WINDMILLS 

"  A  man,"  said  Siebenhaar,  "  bears  a  grudge 
against  woman  for  his  birth;  he  is  a  fool  to  burden 
himself  with  others  against  her." 

"  As  I  imagine  them,"  replied  the  young  man  wist- 
fully, "  they  are  beautiful." 

"  Lord,  Lord,"  cried  Siebenhaar,  "  if  only  a  young 
man  would  be  content  with  his  imaginings." 


VIII:  IN  FATTISH  WATERS 

THE  island  moved  proudly  up  the  Fattish  channel, 
until  they  came  within  sight  of  the  land  on  either  side 
of  it.  Here  was  drawn  up  a  great  array  of  ships 
like  those  which  had  been  destroyed  in  the  Southern 
Seas.  On  the  foremost  of  the  ships  were  hoisted  a 
number  of  little  flags  which  Siebenhaar  interpreted 
as  saying : 

"  Good  morning.     Welcome  home." 

Now,  the  fragmentary  message  recorded  by  the 
wireless  gave  the  clue  to  the  purport  of  this  signal. 
There  had  been  a  great  rally  of  the  Fattish  Empire, 
one  colony  had  sent  sacks  of  flour,  another  black  cur- 
rants, another  black  men,  another  brown  sugar;  all 
came  to  the  aid  of  the  motherland  in  her  need,  all 
forgot  their  grievances  and  vowed  that  they  never 
would  be  slaves.  In  the  face  of  such  a  demonstra- 
tion no  doubt  as  to  whether  the  Fattish  empire  really 


U  L  T  I  M  U  S  75 

existed  could  survive.  Men  who  would  not  admit 
black,  brown,  or  yellow  men  to  their  clubs  welcomed 
them  to  their  trenches.  Such  unity,  such  loyalty, 
such  brotherhood,  must  lead  to  victory.  But  victory 
was  slow  in  coming  and  it  was  becoming  difficult  to 
maintain  interest  in  the  war,  when,  suddenly,  there 
burst  upon  the  Fattish  public  the  news  that  the  lost 
island  was  responding  to  the  call  and  even  now  com- 
ing to  place  its  unique  powers  of  motion  at  the  serv- 
ice of  the  Emperor-King.  The  miraculous  had  hap- 
pened. Once  more  it  was  obvious  that  the  right  was 
on  the  Fattish  side.  Once  more  the  streets  of  Bon- 
don  were  thronged  as  on  the  eve  of  the  declaration 
of  war.  The  map  of  the  world  with  the  red  blot 
made  by  George  Samways  was  taken  down  and 
copies  of  it  were  sold  for  the  Imperial  relief  fund. 
It  was  supposed  that  George  Samways,  the  only  hero 
of  the  last  war,  was  on  the  island  and  had  induced  it 
to  return  to  the  fold.  His  downfall  was  forgotten, 
his  heroism  remembered. 

Ultimus  stopped  the  island  and  entered  into  com- 
munication by  wireless  with  the  Fattish  fleet. 

"Is  that  Samways  Island?" 

"  Yes." 

"  Is  George  Samways  aboard?" 

"  No.     His  son  and  his  friend,  Siebenhaar." 

"  What  nationality  is  Siebenhaar?  " 

"  Fatter." 


76  WINDMILLS 

"  He  must  be  taken  prisoner." 

"  Nonsense.  He  is  an  ex-engineer,  now  a  philoso- 
pher." 

"  Fatter  philosophers  are  writing  the  most  scur- 
rilous abuse  of  the  Fattish." 

"  Siebenhaar  has  been  for  the  last  twenty  years  on 
the  island." 

"  Tell  him  to  change  his  name  before  landing,  or 
he  will  have  to  register." 

"  We  have  no  intention  of  landing." 

"  We  did  not  get  your  last  message  correctly." 

"  We  have  no  intention  of  landing." 

"  Don't  understand.  May  we  send  a  deputa- 
tion?" 

Ultimus  replied: 

"  I  will  receive  one  Cabinet  Minister  and  the 
most  beautiful  woman  in  Fatland.  I  shall  be  in  the 
mouth  of  the  river  by  two  o'clock.  You  had  better 
move  your  ships  and  be  very  careful  of  the  backwash. 
I  understand  that  the  shores  of  the  channel  are 
strewn  with  wrecks." 

Frantic  messages  then  passed  between  the  ships 
and  the  Admiralty  in  Bondon.  It  would  be  ex- 
tremely awkward  to  have  the  island  in  the  river, 
blocking  the  channels  to  the  port,  but  the  public  were 
thinking  of  nothing  but  the  island,  and,  in  default  of 
George  Samways,  were  quite  prepared  to  take  his 
son  to  be  their  darling.  There  must  not  be  a  hint 


U  L  T  I  M  U  S  77 

anywhere  of  the  possibility  of  the  island's  being, 
after  all,  disloyal.  The  Fattish  had  been  very  reti- 
cent about  their  relations  with  God,  whereas  the  Pat- 
ters had  claimed  him  as  their  ally.  The  Fattish  had 
been  favored  with  miracles,  even  as  the  Children  of 
Israel.  It  was  decided  to  retain  the  miracle  in  the 
face  of  all  risks  and  Mr.  Samways  was  promised  that 
a  Cabinet  Minister  accompanied  by  the  most  beauti- 
ful woman  in  Fatland  should  call  at  four  o'clock  on 
the  following  day. 

The  fleet  turned  and  steamed  away  out  of  sight. 


IX:  AN  AFTERNOON  CALL 

THE  acknowledged  most  beautiful  woman  in  Fatland 
was  none  other  than  Arabella's  sister.  She  was 
fifty- three,  but  had  managed  to  preserve  her  reputa- 
tion by  the  discreet  publication  of  her  connection  with 
illustrious  men.  She  had  one  rival  for  the  honour  of 
the  visit  to  the  island,  a  lovely  creature,  a  brilliant 
singer  of  popular  ballads,  who,  during  the  crisis,  had 
carried  all  before  her  and  swept  hundreds  of  young 
men  into  the  army  with  her  famous  ditty:  "  Won't 
I  kiss  you  when  you  come  back  home?  "  However, 
her  claims  were  disposed  of  by  Arabella's  sister 
astutely  pointing  out  that  she  was  the  aunt  of  the 


78  WINDMILLS 

young  man  on  the  island,  and  therefore,  if  necessary, 
could  be  alone  with  him  in  perfect  propriety. 

In  a  motor  launch  she  came  out  with  the  Lord 
High  Chief  of  the  Admiralty  in  full-dress  uniform. 

No  sooner  did  she  set  eyes  on  Ultimus  than  she 
burst  into  tears  and  cried  that  he  was  the  living  im- 
age of  Arabella.  She  kissed  him  and  he  drew  back 
outraged  and  cried: 

"  Don't  do  that  again." 

Siebenhaar  explained: 

'  Your  nephew,  madam,  has  never  seen  a  woman 
before  and  is  naturally  alarmed.  Your  voice  must 
sound  strangely  to  his  ears  and  your  costume,  if  you 
will  forgive  me,  leaves  room  for  considerable  doubt 
as  to  the  normality  of  your  anatomy.  I  think  it 
would  be  as  well  if  you  made  no  attempt  to  reassure 
him,  but  allowed  him  to  look  at  you  and  to  grow  ac- 
customed to  you  while  I  engage  your  companion  in 
conversation." 

With  that  he  turned  to  the  Lord  High  Chief  and 
said: 

"  You  can  imagine  that  I  am  astounded  to  return 
after  a  long  absence  to  find  civilisation  plunged  once 
more  in  the  barbarism  of  war.  Surely  no  single  one 
of  the  combatants  has  anything  to  gain  by  it." 

"  The  war,  sir,  was  not  of  our  seeking." 

"  But  you  were  prepared  for  it?  " 

"  By  God  we  were.     I  had  seen  to  that." 


U  L  T  I  M  U  S  79 

'  Then  you  were  prepared  to  join  issue  in  any 
quarrel  that  might  be  sought?  " 

'  We  pledged  our  word  to  the  Grossians  and  the 
Bilgians.  Besides,  sir,  apart  from  all  that,  the  Pat- 
ters are  jealous  of  our  Empire,  and  they  have  delib- 
erately plotted  for  years  to  oust  us  commercially  and 
politically.  They  want  us  wiped  off  the  map.  But 
when  it  comes  to  wiping " 

"  Does  it  ever  come  to  that?  "  asked  Siebenhaar. 
"  Is  Athens  dead  while  Plato  lives?  Is  Rome  for- 
gotten while  Virgil  and  Lucretius  live  in  the  minds  of 
men?  Was  there  ever  more  in  Spain  than  lives  in 
Cervantes?  " 

"  I  don't  know  about  that,"  says  the  Lord  High 
Chief;  "but  the  Fatters  want  to  dominate  the 
world." 

"  So  did  Alexander:  so  did  Napoleon:  but  they 
wrought  their  own  ruin." 

"  This  is  too  deep  for  me,"  replied  the  politician. 
"  I  want  something  that  the  newspapers  can  get  hold 
of.  I  want  to  know  what  you  are  up  to,  how  you 
found  the  island,  how  it  came  to  move  again,  and,  if 
it  isn't  a  miracle  of  loyalty,  what  is  it?  Also  I  want 
to  know  what  your  intentions  are,  because  if  you  are 
not  here  to  support  us  we  shall  have  to  place  you 
both  under  arrest,  —  er  —  that  is,  after  you  have 
moved  the  island  out  of  harm's  way." 

Ultimus  took  Siebenhaar  aside  and  said :     "I  want 


8o  WINDMILLS 

to  go  away.     I  have  been  looking  at  the  woman,  and 
I  think  she  is  horrible." 


X:  THE  MOST  BEAUTIFUL  WOMAN 

THE  Lord  High  Chief  towards  the  end  of  the  in- 
terview adopted  a  peremptory  tone  and  ordered  the 
island  to  be  taken  through  the  enemy's  minefield  and 
then  to  blockade  the  enemy's  fleet.  The  island  was 
to  be  called  H.M.S.  Samways,  to  be  manned  with  the 
crew  of  a  first-class  battleship  and  commanded  by  a 
senior  admiral.  Ultimus  refused  point-blank.  He 
owed  nothing  to  Fatland,  and  was  not  going  to  have 
his  island  or  his  inventions  used  in  a  cause  which  he 
as  yet  did  not  understand.  The  Lord  High  Chief 
stormed  and  blustered  until  Siebenhaar  told  him  the 
truth  about  Bich's  battle  and  the  nature  of  the  in- 
vention of  which  Ultimus  had  spoken.  The  Lord 
High  Chief  went  pale  and  muttered  that  he  should 
have  thought  his  country's  cause  good  enough  for  any 
man.  However,  since  they  were  so  obstinate,  he  in- 
vited the  islanders  ashore  and  undertook  to  satisfy 
their  curiosity  with  regard  to  the  war,  or  the  events 
which  immediately  preceded  it.  Arabella's  sister 
proposed  that  they  should  stay  in  her  house,  but  her 
invitation  was  refused. 


ULTIMUS  8l 

No  sooner  had  the  visitors  put  off  in  the  launch 
than  Ultimus  moved  the  island  further  up  the  river 
until  all  channels  were  blocked  and  no  ship  could  get 
either  in  or  out. 

"  Now,"  said  Ultimus,  "  they  will  treat  me  with 
respect,  and  will  not  rest  content  until  they  have 
satisfied  me  and  persuaded  me  to  move  the  island 
once  more." 

The  effect  he  desired  was  produced.  They  were 
taken  up  to  Bondon  in  one  of  the  Royal  motor-cars, 
and  a  whole  floor  in  one  of  the  most  expensive  hotels 
was  placed  at  their  disposal.  For  the  first  time  in 
his  life  Ultimus  slept  in  a  bed  and  was  so  hot  that  he 
could  not  bear  it.  He  rang  the  bell  in  the  middle  of 
the  night  and  a  little  chambermaid  appeared. 

"  Take  that  thing  away,"  said  Ultimus. 

The  little  chambermaid  stared  at  him. 

"  I  don't  want  it.  I  don't  like  it,"  he  said,  glow- 
ering at  the  girl's  face.  It  was  like  a  flower,  like  a 
star;  it  was  beautiful.  Ultimus  could  not  take  his 
eyes  off  it.  Her  eyes  smiled  back  at  his  amazed 
curiosity.  He  stood  and  reeled  and  said: 

"  I  love  you." 

"  Yes,  sir,"  replied  the  little  chambermaid. 

"  My  father  said  the  Fattish  were  false.  I  asked 
them  to  send  me  the  most  beautiful  woman  in  the 
land  and  they  sent  me  a  hideous  old  creature." 

"  Yes,  sir." 


82 

"  Ah!  Why  did  they  not  send  you?  We  could 
have  gone  away  at  once,  away,  away,  where  there 
are  no  old  women,  no  battleships,  no  beds." 

The  little  chambermaid  by  this  time  was  fasci- 
nated, and  she  stayed  with  Ultimus  all  night,  while 
he  talked  and  told  her  how  he  had  desired  to  see  a 
woman  and  was  now  satisfied  and  never  wished  to 
see  another,  and  how  when  he  had  seen  the  war  he 
and  she  would  retire  to  the  island. 

"  Oh,  sir,"  said  the  little  chambermaid.  "  And 
shall  I  be  a  Queen?  And  won't  the  Fatters  ever 
be  able  to  get  near  the  island?  They  all  say  the 
Fatters  do  awful  things  to  women." 

Ultimus  took  her  to  his  breast  and  they  were 
joined  in  the  mystical  union  of  a  kiss ;  and  for  many 
hours  no  word  passed  between  them. 

In  the  morning  they  were  disturbed  by  Sieben- 
haar,  who  came  in  unsuspectingly,  saw  what  had  hap- 
pened and  withdrew  discreetly,  gave  orders  to  the 
management  that  Mr.  Samways  was  not  to  be  dis- 
turbed, and  went  out  to  see  Bondon  in  war-time. 


XI:  HIGH  POLITICS 

THE  streets  were  full  of  young  men  in  uniform.  In 
the  parks  were  young  men  without  uniform  being 
drilled.  Except  for  policemen,  hall-porters,  street- 


U  L  T  I  M  U  S  83 

scavengers,  the  town  was  empty,  and  when  Sieben- 
haar  asked  a  policeman  why  it  was  so,  he  was  in- 
formed that  everybody  had  gone  to  look  at  the  is- 
land. 

Said  the  constable:  "There  was  nothing  like  it 
since  I  was  a  boy,  when  the  war  began." 

Siebenhaar  was  taken  aback. 

"  How  long?  "  he  said. 

"  Well !  It'll  be  a  matter  of  fifteen  years  now, 
though  it's  difficult  to  remember.  It  goes  on. 
Things  get  quiet  in  the  winter.  Then  it  begins  again 
with  the  fine  weather,  with  a  new  list  of  Fatter  atroc- 
ities. Then  there's  a  new  promise  from  the  Em- 
peror of  Grossia ;  then  we  have  another  rally  of  the 
Empire  and  things  become  livelier." 

"  I  am  astonished,"  said  Siebenhaar,  "  that  a  great 
free  nation  like  the  Fattish  should  tolerate  such  a 
state  of  affairs." 

"  Bless  you,"  said  the  policeman,  "  I've  forgotten 
what  peace  was  like.  There's  a  few  old  gentlemen 
hold  meetings  to  talk  about  it,  but  we're  used  to  it 
by  now.  I  remember  there  used  to  be  scares  about 
our  being  invaded,  but  they  soon  came  to  an  end. 
We  all  take  our  spell  at  the  fighting,  and,  if  we  come 
home,  settle  down  to  work  of  one  sort  or  another. 
There's  no  doubt  about  it,  the  Fatters  would  make 
a  nasty  mess  of  things  if  we  didn't  keep  them  bottled 
up." 


84  WINDMILLS 

Siebenhaar  protested :  "  Surely  you  yourselves 
are  making  a  nasty  mess  of  things?  " 

"  Oh !  "  replied  the  policeman.  "  That's  over 
the  water.  You  soon  forget  about  it  when  you  get 
back  home.  It  would  be  funny,  sir,  if  that  there 
island  were  to  put  a  stop  to  the  war.  We'd  hardly 
know  what  to  do  with  our  young  men." 

Siebenhaar's  blood  boiled.  A  great  nation,  with 
a  tradition  of  freedom,  could  acquiesce  in  such  arrest 
of  its  life,  such  wanton  sacrifice  of  its  youth! 

He  visited  the  Lord  High  Chief  and  found  him 
just  out  of  his  bed  in  a  suit  of  blue  silk  pajamas. 
Breakfast  was  laid  before  him  and  he  offered  Sieben- 
haar coffee.  It  was  refused. 

"  I  am  come,  sir,  to  tell  you  that  the  island  will 
not  be  used  to  assist  you.  It  will  be  used  to  stop  the 
war." 

"Stop  the ?" 

"  As  I  say." 

"  Come,  come,  sir.  The  war  cannot  be  stopped 
until  all  parties  to  it  agree  to  our  terms  of  settle- 
ment. It  is  a  matter  of  high  politics,  which  it  takes 
an  expert  to  understand.  We  have  the  matter  well 
in  hand.  The  country  was  told  at  the  beginning  that 
it  was  to  be  a  long  war.  It  will  be  finished  when  our 
terms  are  agreed  upon  and  not  before." 

"  And  those  terms  are ?  " 


ULTIMUS  85 

;'  They  are  known  to  my  colleagues  and  myself. 
When  the  settlement  is  concluded  they  will  be  laid 
before  the  country." 

"  And  have  you,  sir,  during  the  last  fifteen  years 
ever  risked  your  life  on  land  or  sea?  Have  you  suf- 
fered in  pocket  or  in  health?  Have  you  been  de- 
prived of  even  a  luxury?  " 

"  For  fifteen  years  I  have  been  the  hardest  worked 
man  in  the  country.  I  have  practically  lived  in  this 
office.  When  things  were  going  badly  with  usi  I 
made  speeches  up  and  down  the  country." 

"Asking  young  men  to  give  their  lives  and  thank 
God  for  the  privilege  of  dying  before  they  had  tasted 
the  full  sweetness  of  life." 

"  It  is  their  country's  life  against  theirs." 

"  You  say  so." 

"  The  Patters  will  make  an  end  of  us  if  they 
don't." 

"  Have  you  made  an  end  of  the  Patters?  " 

"  No.     But  we  will  before  we  have  done." 

"  Are  the  Fatter  women  all  stricken  with  barren- 
ness?" 

"  Not  that  I  know  of." 

"  Then  you  cannot  make  an  end  of  the  race." 

"  We  can  smash  their  Empire." 

"  A  word.  Can  you  smash  a  word?  You  seem 
to  me,  sir,  to  talk  and  act  as  though  a  nation  were  an 


86  WINDMILLS 

abstraction  instead  of  a  collection  of  human  beings, 
bound  together  by  language,  manners,  and  religion." 

"  It  is  a  matter  of  high  politics." 

"  It  seems  to  me,  sir,  that  war  is  the  logical  out- 
come of  your  view  of  national  life,  and  that  a  nation 
without  a  war  is  not  a  nation.  I  should  imagine  that  a 
war  greatly  facilitates  the  task  of  government.  The 
rich  can  always  be  trusted  to  look  after  themselves, 
but  the  poor  are  rendered  impotent.  I  cannot  raise 
a  hand  to  support  either  such  a  view  or  such  a  condi- 
tion. You  have  attained  the  ideal  of  high  politics, 
the  sacrifice  of  domestic  affairs  to  international  re- 
lations. I  congratulate  you.  I  decline  all  further 
hospitality  at  your  hands.  My  young  friend  has  al- 
ready realized  one  of  his  ambitions.  I  shall  request 
the  Emperor  of  Fatterland  to  satisfy  the  other. 
We  shall  go  to  Fatterland  to-morrow  and  see  the 
war  which  you  have  been  able  to  confine  to  other 
countries." 

"  Herr  Siebenhaar,"  shouted  the  Lord  High 
Chief,  "  you  shall  do  no  such  thing.  The  public  has 
taken  the  island  to  its  heart.  You  will  consider 
yourself  under  arrest." 

Siebenhaar  smiled  sweetly: 

"  I  have  seen  the  Fattish  public  take  Mr.  George 
Samways  to  its  heart  and  I  have  seen  it  reject  him. 
I  do  not  think  you  will  arrest  me,  for,  before  leaving 
the  island  we  arranged  an  explosion  to  take  place 


U  L  T  I  M  U  S  87 

two  days  from  now  in  case  of  our  non-return.  Such 
an  explosion  would  project  thousands  of  tons  of  rock 
over  your  city." 


XII:  THE  PUBLIC 

ULTIMUS  refused  to  be  separated  from  the  lady 
of  his  choice,  and  when  Siebenhaar  said  he  must  re- 
turn to  the  island  the  little  chambermaid  declared 
her  willingness  to  go  if  she  could  be  married  first. 

'  You  need  not  worry  about  that,"  grumbled  Sie- 
benhaar. "There  will  be  no  other  women  on  the 
island,  no  one  to  care  whether  you  are  married  or  no, 
no  one  to  bully  you  if  you  have  dispensed  with  the 
ceremony,  and  Ultimus  has  no  relations  except  his 
aunt,  who  will  never  forgive  him  for  his  frankness. 
I  warn  you  that  on  our  island  you  will  find  none  of 
the  excitements  of  the  great  hotel,  neither  the  ad- 
vantages of  society  nor  its  disadvantages." 

"  I  will  come,"  said  the  little  chambermaid,  "  if 
you  will  let  me  tell  my  mother  that  I  am  married. 
It  would  kill  her  if  she  thought  I  was  not." 

"A  lie  more  or  less  in  a  community  is  no  great 
matter,  since  its  existence  depends  upon  lies,"  said 
Siebenhaar. 

So  the  chambermaid  wrote  to  her  mother,  packed 
her  belongings  in  her  tin  box,  and  with  Siebenhaar 


88  WINDMILLS 

and  Ultimus  was  driven  in  the  royal  motor-car  to  the 
docks.  The  last  few  miles  they  drove  through 
enormous  cheering  crowds,  men,  women,  and  chil- 
dren, singing  as  they  went. 

"  Won't  I  kiss  you  when  you  come  back  home, 

My  soldier  boy! 
For  my  heart  is  with  you  as  you  cross  the  foam, 

My  soldier  boy! 

You   are  big   and  you   are  brave, 
From  the  Huns  our  homes  to  save, 
Or  to   find    a   hero's   grave. 
Won't  I  kiss  you  when  you  come  back  home !  " 

A  motor  launch  took  them  swiftly  out  to  the  is- 
land and  there  Ultimus  was  proud  to  show  the  little 
house  he  had  built  and  the  gardens  he  had  made. 

In  the  afternoon  they  went  up  to  the  top  of  the 
mountain,  where  an  amazing  sight  met  their  eyes. 
Through  the  smoke  loomed  the  towers  and  domes 
and  chimneys  of  the  great  city,  and  on  the  banks  of 
the  river  for  miles  stretched  the  crowds  of  people, 
and  others  came  along  the  roads,  pouring  in  on  foot, 
in  carts,  and  wagons.  Ultimus  was  seized  with  nau- 
sea, which  soon  gave  place  to  rage  and  he  stamped 
his  foot  on  the  ground  and  cried: 

"  There  are  too  many  of  them.  Let  me  destroy 
them." 

But  Siebenhaar  wept  and  said: 

"  Rather  destroy  those  heartless  men  who  herd 


U  L  T  I  M  U  S  89 

them  like  cattle  and  rob  them  of  the  fruits  of  their 
labour  and  bid  them  believe  in  a  God  whom  they 
deny,  a  national  idea  which  they  can  maintain  only 
by  the  destruction  of  life  and  the  ruin  of  the  nation. 
Destroy  those  who  sacrifice  beauty  to  their  pleasures, 
and  love  to  their  obstinate  pride.  See,  the  city  must 
be  empty  now,  destroy  it." 

Ultimus  moved  his  hand  and  in  one  moment  the 
domes,  towers  and  chimneys  of  the  city  disappeared. 
The  island  moved  and  the  crowd,  seeing  that  which 
they  had  come  to  see,  clapped  their  hands  and 
shouted  until  the  island  disappeared. 


XIII:  THE  EMPEROR 

IN  a  few  hours  they  were-off  the  coast  of  Fatterland, 
and  had  blocked  up  the  harbour  where  the  Fatter 
fleet  lay  in  hiding  from  the  overwhelming  superiority 
of  the  Fattish.  The  Emperor  himself,  who  had  al- 
ready heard  of  the  destruction  of  Bondon,  came  out 
to  greet  them.  He  had  information  as  to  Sieben- 
haar's  previous  career  and  he  decorated  him  at  sight 
with  a  Silver  Eagle.  To  Ultimus  he  handed  an 
Iron  Cross. 

The  Emperor  was  dressed  in  a  large  brass  helmet, 
a  white  suit  with  a  steel  cuirass,  and  enormous  shin- 
ing boots.  He  was  a  little  man  and  very  pompous. 


90  WINDMILLS 

"  God,"  he  said,  "  has  blessed  you." 

"  How  do  you  know?  "  asked  Siebenhaar. 

"  God,"  said  the  Emperor,  "  has  preserved  the 
Fatterland,  through  me." 

"  On  this  island,"  retorted  Siebenhaar,  "  we  are 
accustomed  to  talk  sense.  There  would  have  been 
no  need  for  God  or  anybody  else  to  defend  Fatter- 
land  if  you  had  not  so  wantonly  destroyed  peaceful 
relations  with  other  countries." 

The  Emperor  removed  his  helmet. 

;' What  a  relief!  "  he  said.  "No  one  has  ever 
talked  sensibly  to  me  before.  You  don't  know  how 
sick  I  am  of  being  an  Emperor  with  everybody  as- 
suming that  I  don't  wish  to  think  of  anything  but  my 
own  dignity.  I  am  not  allowed  to  think  or  talk  of 
anything  else." 

"  Has  it  ever  occurred  to  you,"  asked  Siebenhaar, 
"  that  a  dignity  which  requires  over  a  million  soldiers 
to  maintain  it  is  hardly  worth  it?  Have  you  ever 
thought  that  the  million  soldiers  are  maintained  not 
for  your  dignity,  but  because  their  housing,  their 
feeding,  their  equipment  are  all  exceedingly  profit- 
able to  a  few  men?  " 

"  I  have  often  thought  that,"  replied  the  Emperor, 
"  but  I  have  never  found  a  soul  willing  to  discuss  it 
with  me.  When  I  meet  other  Emperors  the  same 
dreadful  thought  haunts  all  of  us,  but  none  of  us 
dare  speak  of  it,  for  we  are  watched  night  and  day, 


ULTIMUS  91 

and  what  we  are  to  say  to  each  other  is  written  by 
young  men  in  the  Government  Offices." 

The  Emperor  began  to  cry. 

"  Four  million  men  have  been  killed  since  the  war 
began,  and  everybody  says  it  is  my  fault.  I  didn't 
make  the  war,  I  didn't,  indeed  I  didn't.  It  was  not 
in  my  power  to  make  war,  any  more  than  it  is  in  my 
power  to  stop  it.  Horrible  things  have  been  done 
by  the  soldiers." 

"  Poor  wretches!  "  said  Siebenhaar.  "  How  can 
they  be  anything  but  bestial,  deprived  as  they  are  of 
all  that  makes  life  sweet?  " 

"How,  indeed?"  asked  the  Emperor.  "Thou- 
sands have  died  of  dysentery,  or  cholera,  and  enteric 
and  typhoid.  Hundreds  of  thousands  more  of 
starvation  and  exposure.  It  is  impossible,  I  tell  you, 
impossible  to  prevent  organisation  breaking  down. 
Contractors !  "  He  shook  his  fists.  "  Ah !  There 
is  nothing  contractors  will  not  do,  from  sending  bad 
food  to  insisting  on  being  paid  for  food  they  have 
never  sent.  Ah!  the  villains!  the  villains!  And 
to  think  that  my  name  is  being  execrated  through- 
out the  world." 

The  Emperor  looked  about  him  uneasily. 

"  And  now,  Herr  Siebenhaar,  what  am  I  to  tell 
them  on  my  return?  That  your  marvellous  island  is 
the  gift  of  God  to  the  Fatter  people?  " 

"  Say  nothing,"  replied  Siebenhaar,  "  except  that 


92  WINDMILLS 

Mr.  Ultimus  Samways  wishes  to  see  the  war.  We 
are  neutral  territory.  If  we  have  damaged  Bondon 
we  have  in  coming  here  cleared  your  minefields  and 
we  propose  to  keep  your  fleet  bottled  up  and  shall 
destroy  it  unless  Mr.  Samways  returns  in  safety 
within  a  week." 

"  We  have  had  a  delightful  talk  and  it  has  been 
refreshing  to  me  to  discover  a  philosopher  who  is 
greater  than  an  Emperor." 

Siebenhaar  laughed  and  said  he  looked  forward  to 
the  day  when  capitalists  and  contractors  discovered 
that  the  world  contained  a  power  greater  than  their 
own. 

"  I  also,"  said  the  Emperor,  "  possess  an  island. 
I  shall  be  happy  when  the  war  is  over  and  I  can  re- 
tire to  it  and  live  in  peace  and  devote  myself  to  the 
delightful  and  harmless  pursuit  of  painting  bad  pic- 
tures." 

He  promised  that  an  airship  should  be  sent  for 
Ultimus,  and  said  good-bye  cordially  and  regretfully. 
As  he  put  his  helmet  on  he  said : 

"  I  have  to  wear  this  infernal  thing,  though  it  al- 
ways gives  me  a  headache." 

"  Now,"  said  Siebenhaar  to  Ultimus,  "  you  have 
seen  the  unhappy  individual  who  is  called  the  man- 
eater  of  Europe." 

"Was  that  the  Emperor?"  asked  the  chamber- 
maid. "  Why,  they  told  me  he  had  a  tail  and  always 


U  L  T  I  M  U  S  93 

walked    about    with    bleeding   baby's    legs   in    his 
hands!" 


XIV:  WAR 

THE  airship  was  a  great  delight  to  the  inventive 
genius  of  Ultimus.  He  had  it  brought  to  earth  on 
the  shore  and  examined  the  engines  and  propellers, 
and  its  ingenious  steering  apparatus.  The  officer  in 
charge  of  it  was  discreet  and  silent,  a  stiff  martial 
gentleman  whose  intelligence  and  humanity  were 
completely  hidden  by  his  uniform.  He  had  brought 
a  declaration  to  be  signed  by  Ultimus,  saying  that  he 
was  a  non-belligerent  and  did  not  represent  any 
newspaper.  For  Siebenhaar  he  had  brought  a 
bundle  of  newspapers  of  every  country  so  that  he 
might  read  what  the  nations  were  saying  of  each 
other. 

At  last  Ultimus'  curiosity  was  satisfied,  and  he 
stepped  into  the  observation  car,  the  engines  started 
purring  and  the  great  fish-shaped  balloon  rose  into 
the  air. 

Ultimus  was  surprised  to  see  how  little  his  island 
was  and  when  they  passed  over  into  Fatterland  he 
cried: 

"  Why,    there    is    room    for    everybody !     How 


94  WINDMILLS 

wrong  I  was  to  hate  the  Fattish  for  being  so  many ! 
Why  do  not  some  of  them  come  and  live  here  if  there 
is  no  room  for  them  on  their  islamd?  " 

'  They'd  have  a  warm  time  of  it  if  they  did,"  said 
the  officer. 

"  Why?  Don't  you  like  the  Fattish?  " 
'  They  are  pirates  and  thieves.  They  are  jealous 
of  our  honest  commercial  success.  They  and  they 
only  are  responsible  for  this  war.  They  have  set 
half  the  nations  of  Europe  to  attack  us,  but  they  at- 
tack in  vain.  We  are  glorious  warriors,  but  they 
are  only  commercial  travellers." 

"  In  Fatland,"  replied  Ultimus,  "  they  say  that 
they  are  glorious  warriors,  but  you  are  only  ma- 
chines. And  they  say  that  you  are  jealous  of  their 
Empire,  and  for  years  have  been  planning  to  destroy 
their  fleet." 

"  What  nonsense!  "  said  the  officer. 

They  had  been  thousands  of  feet  in  the  air,  often 
above  the  clouds. 

"  We  are  approaching  the  western  frontier." 

They  descended.  A  booming  and  roaring  came 
up  and  a  queer  crackling  sound.  There  were  flashes 
of  light  and  puffs  of  smoke,  but  nowhere  were  there 
signs  of  any  men  save  far,  far  away  on  the  roads  be- 
hind the  lines  of  smoke  and  flashes  of  light. 

"  That,"  said  the  officer,  "  is  the  war." 

"  But  where  are  the  men  who  are  doing  it?  " 


U  L  T  I  M  U  S  95 

The  officer  pointed  to  black  zigzag  parallel  lines 
in  the  ground. 

"  They  are  there.  Those  are  trenches.  They 
are  impregnable.  Years  ago,  at  the  beginning  of 
the  war  there  was  some  barbarous  fighting  with  bay- 
onets, but  since  we  took  up  those  positions  there  is 
nothing  but  what  you  see.  Each  year  makes 
those  positions  stronger,  nothing  can  move  the 
armies  from  them.  While  the  war  lasts,  they  will 
be  held.  Is  it  not  splendid?  It  is  just  the  same  on 
the  eastern  frontier,  though  the  line  there  is  a  hun- 
dred miles  longer.  Ah !  It  is  the  greatest  war  the 
world  has  ever  seen." 

They  came  lower  until  they  could  see  into  the 
trenches.  There  were  men  playing  cards,  others 
sleeping;  another  was  vomiting.  Another  was  but- 
toning up  his  trousers  when  his  head  was  blown  off. 
His  body  stood  for  a  moment  with  his  hand  fum- 
bling at  his  buttons.  Then  it  collapsed  ridiculously. 
One  of  the  men  who  was  playing  wiped  a  card  on 
his  breeches  and  then  played  it.  Another  man  went 
mad,  climbed  out  of  the  trenches  and  rushed  screech- 
ing in  the  direction  whence  the  missile  had  come. 

"  I  have  seen  enough,"  said  Ultimus.  "  Why  do 
they  go  there?  " 

"  Because  if  they  did  not  Fatterland  would  be 
overrun  with  the  savages  hired  by  the  Fattish." 

"  Would  that  be  worse?  " 


96  WINDMILLS 

11  It  would  not  last  so  long,"  replied  the  officer, 
"  but  we  should  have  lost  our  honour  as  a  nation." 

'*  That,"  said  Ultimus,  "  is  exactly  how  the  most 
beautiful  woman  in  Fatland  talks.  What  is  this 
honour?  " 

"  It  is  holy,"  said  the  officer  with  so  fatuously  fer- 
vent an  expression  that  Ultimus  laughed. 

"  Does  your  Highness  wish  to  see  the  eastern 
frontier?" 

"  No,  thank  you.     That  is  enough." 

The  airship  soared  up.  It  was  now  night.  The 
stars  came  out  and  Ultimus  mused : 

"  Out  of  all  the  planets  why  should  this  be  tor- 
tured with  the  life  of  men?  Is  it  their  vast  numbers 
that  drive  them  mad  ?  Or  are  they  so  vile  that  war 
is  their  normal  condition  and  peace  only  a  rest  from 
it?" 

For  the  first  time  Ultimus  responded  to  the  beauty 
of  the  world.  They  flew  low  over  mountains,  and 
great  rivers  and  wide  valleys.  The  variety  of  it  all 
entranced  him,  accustomed  as  he  was  to  the  monot- 
ony of  the  sea  and  the  narrow  limitations  of  the  is- 
land. Apart  from  the  horror  of  war  it  was  amaz- 
ing to  him  that  men  should  desert  such  loveliness  to 
spend  their  days  in  holes  dug  in  the  ground. 


U  L  T  I  M  U  S  97 


XV:  SIEBENHAAR  ON  SOCIETY 

MEANWHILE  on  the  island  the  philosopher  and  the 
chambermaid  lived  through  difficult  hours.  The 
girl  wept  without  ceasing  and  said  if  she  had  known 
how  dull  it  was  going  to  be  she  never  would  have 
come.  Remembering  Arabella's  dissatisfaction, 
Siebenhaar  said: 

'  Women  have  no  resources  within  themselves. 
They  take  life  too  seriously.  It  is  never  amusing  to 
them.  Society  is  organised  for  their  protection  and 
amusement  and  they  take  no  interest  in  it,  and  let 
men,  who  are  only  worried  or  irritated  by  it,  bring  it 
to  ruin  without  a  protest.  Women  are  the  criminals 
who  are  responsible  for  everything,  for  they  encour- 
age men  in  their  vanity  and  weaken  them  in  their 
power.  They  desire  safety,  and  detest  originality, 
intellect,  imagination." 

The  chambermaid  sobbed:  "I  thought  it  was 
going  to  be  fun  to  be  a  Queen,  but  there  is  no  fun  in 
reigning  over  sticks  and  stones." 

"  Women,"  said  Siebenhaar,  "  want  their  lovers 
and  their  babies  and  their  fun.  When  they  have  to 
choose  between  the  three,  they  choose  their  fun. 
No.  They  are  not  the  criminals;  it  is  men  who  are 
that  for  letting  them  have  their  fun  to  keep  them 


98  WINDMILLS 

quiet.     Oh!   Ultimus,   that  was  a  true  instinct  of 
yours  to  destroy  them  in  their  thousands !  " 


XVI :  PRACTICAL  CONSIDERATIONS 

ULTIMUS  was  gone  exactly  a  week,  during  which 
time  he  saw  all  the  preparations  for  the  war,  the 
countless  widows  and  orphans  created  by  it,  the  stop- 
page of  other  business,  the  immense  activity  at  arse- 
nals, boot  factories,  and  cloth  mills,  and  chemical 
laboratories,  the  soup  kitchens  for  the  starving, 
among  whom  he  was  horrified  to  see  thousands  of 
men  who  had  returned  maimed  from  the  trenches. 
What  perhaps  appalled  him  most  was  the  gaiety 
of  the  children. 

He  mentioned  this  to  Siebenhaar  on  his  return. 
The  philosopher  said : 

"  They  have  been  born  since  the  war  began  and 
do  not  conceive  of  life  being  otherwise." 

u  It  must  end,"  said  Ultimus,  and  he  sank  into  a 
deep  reverie.  The  strangest  result  of  his  experience 
was  that  the  sight  of  the  little  chambermaid  filled 
him  with  disgust.  When  he  thought  of  the  peaceful 
and  profoundly  stirring  existence  out  of  which  he  and 
Siebenhaar  had  come  he  could  not  but  contrast  it 
with  the  obscene  excitement  in  which  he  had  found 


U  L  T  I  M  U  S  99 

her.  That  she  could  accept  and  welcome  his  em- 
braces when  she  knew,  as  he  did  not,  the  bestiality 
towards  maintaining  which  the  energies  of  Europe 
were  devoted,  filled  him  with  so  bitter  an  anguish 
that  he  could  hardly  endure  the  sight  of  her.  When 
he  thought  that  he  and  she  might  be  bringing  an- 
other life  into  a  world  made  so  unworthy  of  human 
life,  then  he  thought  that  he  could  never  forgive  her. 
Hi's  impulse  was  to  escape,  to  leave  the  benighted 
nations  to  their  fate,  but,  when  he  thought  of  the  suf- 
fering he  had  seen,  he  found  that  he  was  bound  to 
them  by  more  than  curiosity.  He  had  seen  war  and 
could  not  rest  until  he  had  done  his  utmost  to  ex- 
punge it  from  the  minds  of  men.  He  had  lived  in  a 
pure  happiness  familiar  with  all  the  intellectual  dis- 
coveries of  the  human  mind;  now  he  had  gained  the 
love  of  beauty  and  a  more  passionate  incentive  to 
live.  What  room  was  there  now  among  all  those 
millions  of  men  for  intellect  and  beauty? 

Siebenhaar  had  made  good  use  of  the  newspapers. 

"  It  is  clear  to  me,"  he  said,  "  that  this  war  hap- 
pened through  stupidity  and  jealousy.  They  all  in- 
vented excuses  for  it  after  the  outbreak  of  hostilities. 
There  is  no  reason  why  it  should  not  end  as  suddenly 
as  it  began.  It  is  too  much  to  expect  men  debauched 
by  fifteen  years  of  war  to  see  reason,  but  they  will 
understand  force.  We  will  use  force." 

Together  they  drew  up  the  following  manifesto: 


100  WINDMILLS 

SAMWAYS  ISLAND, 

OFF  EUROPE. 

We,  the  undersigned,  lately  arrived  in  Europe,  on 
discovering  its  unanimous  betrayal  of  civilisation, 
hereby  declare  as  follows : 

1 i )  We  have  destroyed  Bondon. 

(2)  The   power   which    did   that   will   be   used 
against  any  of  the  present  belligerents  not  consenting 
to  lay  down  their  arms. 

(3)  Upon  the  declaration  of  peace  the  fleets  of 
the  hostile  nations  are  to  be  collected  and  sunk,  the 
guns    and    ammunition    of    the    various    disbanded 
armies  having  first  been  laded  in  them.     Neutral 
nations  will  then  be  invited  by  us  to  destroy  their 
fleets  and  disband  their  armies. 

(4)  Nations  in  future  will  have  no  high  political 
relations  with  each  other  except  through  a  central 
government. 

(5)  Recognising   the   natural   pugnacity   of   the 
human  race  and  its  love  of  spectacular  effect,  we  sug- 
gest that  in  future  nations  which  arrive  at  a  com- 
plete misunderstanding  should,  with  the  consent  of 
the  central  government,  declare  war  on  each  other 
for  a  period  of  not  less  than  one  week  and  not  more 
than  one  month,  the  nations  to  place  in  the  firing  line 
only  the  incurably  diseased,  the  incorrigibly  criminal, 
the  lunatic  and  the  imbecile,  and  all  of  those  con- 
victed of  exploitation  and  profit-sharing. 


ULTIMUS  101 

(6)  Not  more  than  two  thousand  men  are  to  be 
employed  on  either  side,  and  the  sphere  of  opera- 
tions is  to  be  narrowly  limited.     If  desired,  and  to 
encourage  a  knowledge  of  the  horror  of  war,  we  sug- 
gest that  such  wars  be  paid  for  by  admitting  specta- 
tors at  a  price. 

(7)  Wars  are  only  to  take  place  in  August. 

(8)  Naval  war  is  to  be  prohibited  altogether  as 
too  barbarous.     The  central  government  will  main- 
tain an  armed  fleet  for  the  suppression  of  pirates. 

(9)  Weapons  and  machines  designed  for  the  de- 
struction of  human  life  are  only  to  be  manufactured 
by  the  central  government. 

( 10)  Acknowledging  that  follies  do  not  die  easily 
and  that  nations  at  war  will  always  desire  territory 
as  a  trophy,  we  are  willing  to  place  the  island  at  the 
service  of  the  central  government  as  the  prize  to  be 
fought  for.     It  can  always  be  found  by  wireless. 

( 1 1 )  We  submit  that  there  shall  be  no  discussion 
of  the  terms  of  settlement  until  the  central  govern- 
ment is  set  up  and  a  proper  tribunal  is  constituted  to 
deal  with  all  claims.     The  first  step  in  the  interest  of 
parties  is  disarmament,  and  upon  that  we  insist. 

(Signed)  IGNATZ  SIEBENHAAR. 

ULTIMUS  SAMWAYS. 


102  WINDMILLS 


XVII:  PEACE 

THIS  manifesto  was  transmitted  by  wireless  to  all 
parts  of  the  world.  It  was  published  in  the  newspa- 
pers of  America,  and  therefore  could  not  be  sup- 
pressed by  the  various  National  Committees  for 
Keeping  the  Public  in  the  Dark.  Ultimus  received 
invitations  to  all  the  capitals  of  the  belligerent  na- 
tions. He  said  that  if  they  had  anything  to  say  they 
could  say  it  by  wireless.  Meanwhile  if  nothing  was 
said  the  Fatter  fleet  would  be  destroyed  within  a 
week:  the  Fattish  fleet  immediately  after  it:  and 
the  various  ports  and  capitals  would  one  by  one  meet 
the  fate  of  Bondon. 

A  great  deal  was  said.  Almost  every  day  mean 
little  men,  who  looked  as  though  they  had  been  fat 
only  a  short  time  before  and  then  scorched,  arrived 
to  offer  Ultimus  his  own  price  for  his  new  explosive. 
They  all  said  the  same  thing:  the  enemy  alone  was 
responsible  for  the  war  and  it  would  never  end  until 
the  enemy  was  destroyed.  Therefore,  in  the  inter- 
ests of  civilisation  and  universal  peace,  Mr.  Sam- 
ways  ought  to  sell,  nay,  give  to  humanity  the  secret 
of  his  invention. 

"  I  am  using  it  in  the  interests  of  civilisation,"  said 
he,  "and,  as  you  see,  I  am  resisting  all  temptation  to 
make  money  out  of  it.  The  proper  use  of  an  explo- 


U  L  T  I  M  U  S  103 

sive  is  that  for  which  I  made  mine,  namely,  to  de- 
stroy every  ugly  and  useless  thing  I  had  made." 

And  the  mean  little  men  went  away.  Two  of 
them  committed  suicide  on  their  way  back  to  shore, 
so  troubled  were  they  at  being  deprived  of  the  mo- 
nopoly which  had  enabled  them  to  drive  millions  of 
men  to  the  slaughter  that  the  rest  might  be  miserable 
slaves  in  their  hands. 

As  a  matter  of  fact,  these  two  had  been  ruined  by 
the  destruction  of  Bondon,  upon  which  they  had  been 
dependent  for  the  world-wide  circulation  of  their 
credit. 

Day  after  day  brought  the  news  of  the  suicide  of 
one  great  financier  after  another,  and  the  army  con- 
tractors, realising  that  they  might  not  be  paid  for 
their  efforts,  abandoned  them.  No  food  or  supplies 
reached  the  armies,  which  came  home  in  search  of 
food.  The  Emperors  of  Fatterland  and  Grossia 
fled  to  their  country  estates.  The  Emperor  of 
Waltzia  had  been  dead  for  ten  years,  though  his 
death  had  been  concealed. 

Before  long  a  number  of  intelligent  men  from 
every  country  had  met  in  Scandanavia  and  a  central 
government  was  proclaimed.  The  Fattish,  Fatter, 
Grossian,  Waltzian,  and  Coqdorian  fleets  were  col- 
lected in  the  North  Sea,  and  Ultimus  had  the  great 
satisfaction  of  driving  the  island  through  them. 


104  WINDMILLS 


XVIII:  THE  RETURN  OF  THE  ISLAND 

AND  now  Ultimus  could  breathe  again.  Came  the 
news  every  day  of  tremendous  rejoicings  in  all  the 
countries,  and  in  all  the  name  of  Ultimus  Samways 
was  blessed.  He  was  asked  by  every  one  of  them 
to  anchor  his  island  off  their  shores,  but  he  replied: 

"  Not  until  the  lunatic  that  is  in  every  European 
is  dead,  can  I  dwell  among  you.  It  is  easy  for  you, 
whose  lives  are  shallow  to  forget.  But  I  have  seen 
and  suffered  and  I  cannot  forget.  When  you  have 
discovered  the  depths  in  your  own  lives  and  each 
man  recognises  the  profound  wonder  of  every  other, 
then  will  the  thought  of  the  philosopher  Siebenhaar 
be  as  fertile  seed  among  you  and  you  will  reap  the 
harvest  of  brotherhood." 

When  he  had  sent  this  message  to  the  United 
States  of  Europe  he  sought  out  the  little  chamber- 
maid and  said  to  her: 

"  I  beg  your  forgiveness.  I  have  let  the  horror 
of  war  break  in  upon  my  devotion  to  you.  We  are 
making  for  the  Southern  Seas.  If  you  prefer  it  you 
can  retire  to  Bondon,  though  I  must  warn  you  that 
your  luxurious  hotel  is  now  a  hospital  for  the  cure  of 
astute  business  men." 

The  little  chambermaid  replied: 

"  I  did  want  to  go  to  see  the  fun  when  peace  was 


U  L  T  I  M  U  S  105 

declared,  having  seen  the  fun  in  the  streets  when 
they  declared  war.  But  it's  come  over  me  now  that 
I  love  you  and  only  you,  and  I  want  to  be  by  your 
side  to  give  you  all  the  happiness  you  have  brought 
into  my  heart." 

And  Siebenhaar  said: 

"  This  is  a  mystery  past  the  understanding  of 
men,  but  the  understanding  is  its  servant." 


Gynecologia 


I:  HISTORY 

I,  CONRAD  P.  LEWIS,  of  Crown  Imperial,  Pa., 
U.S.A.,  do  hereby  declare  that  the  following  narra- 
tive of  my  adventures  is  a  plain  truthful  tale  with 
nothing  added  or  taken  away.  At  the  end  of  a  long 
life  I  am  able  to  remember  unmoved  things  that  for 
many  years  I  could  not  call  to  mind  without  horror 
and  disgust.  Even  now  I  cannot  see  the  charming 
person  of  my  daughter  without  some  faint  discom- 
fort, to  be  rid  of  which  (for  I  would  die  in  peace)  I 
have  determined  to  write  my  story. 

The  whole  civilised  world  will  remember  how, 
during  the  years  when  Europe  was  sunk  under  the 
vileness  of  a  scientific  barbarism,  there  was  suddenly 
an  end  of  news  from  Fatland.  Our  ships  that  sailed 
for  her  ports  did  not  return.  Her  flag  had  disap- 
peared from  the  high  seas.  Her  trade  had  entirely 
ceased.  She  exported  neither  coal  nor  those  manu- 
factured goods  which  had  carried  her  language,  cus- 
toms, and  religion  to  the  ends  of  the  earth.  Her 
colonies  (we  learned)  had  received  only  a  message 
to  say  that  they  must  in  future  look  after  themselves, 
as,  indeed,  they  were  as  capable  of  doing  as  any 
other  collection  of  people.  In  one  night  Fatland 
ceased  to  be. 

109 


110  WINDMILLS 

It  was  at  first  assumed  that  her  enemies  the  Pat- 
ters had  invaded  and  captured  her,  but,  clearly,  they 
would  not  destroy  her  commerce.  Moreover,  the 
Patters  were  at  that  time  and  for  many  years  after- 
wards living  in  a  state  of  siege,  keeping  nine  hostile 
nations  at  bay  upon  their  frontiers.  This  was  the 
last  of  the  great  wars,  leading,  as  we  now  know,  to 
the  abolition  of  the  idea  of  nationality,  which  en- 
dowed a  nation  with  the  attributes  of  a  vain  and  in- 
solent human  being,  so  that  its  actions  were  childish 
and  could  only  be  made  effective  by  force.  When 
that  idea  died  in  the  apathy  and  suffering  and  bitter- 
ness of  the  years  following  the  great  wars  then  the 
glorious  civilisation  which  we  now  enjoy  became  pos- 
sible. 

The  disappearance  of  Fatland  took  place  shortly 
after  the  outbreak  of  hostilities,  which,  from  the 
practice  which  the  Europeans  had  in  those  days,  was 
always  accomplished  with  great  expedition.  Every 
four  years  or  so,  when  the  exhausted  nations  once 
more  had  enough  young  men  over  eighteen,  there 
would  be  some  little  quarrel,  or  an  arranged  assassi- 
nation, or  an  ambassador  would  be  indiscreet.  One 
war,  I  remember,  broke  out  over  a  scuffle  between 
two  bakers  in  the  streets  of  Bondon :  they  were  a  Fat- 
tishman  and  a  Fatter,  and  they  had  been  arguing 
over  the  merits  of  the  Fattish  loaf  and  the  continen- 
tal baton.  The  Press  of  both  countries  took  it  up : 


GYNECOLOGIA  III 

their  governments  had  a  good  class  of  troops  that 
year  and  they  did  not  hesitate  to  use  them.  We,  in 
the  Western  world,  were  accustomed  to  it  by  then 
and  knew  how  to  keep  our  trade  alive  through  neu- 
tral countries.  Also,  I  regret  to  say,  we  had  en- 
gaged upon  the  dreadful  traffic  in  war  material.  In 
those  days  we  were  still  bounded  by  the  primitive 
civilisation  of  Europe.  We  had  not  been  wakened 
to  manhood  and  the  way  of  life  and  eternity,  we  had 
not  been  taught  to  be  elemental  in  our  own  elemental 
continent  by  the  sublime  masterpiece  of  Junius  F. 
Hohlenheim. 

When  it  became  clear  that  Fatland  could  not  be 
in  the  hands  of  the  Patters:  when,  moreover,  we 
were  told  that  she  was  taking  no  part  in  the  last  and 
bloodiest  of  the  wars,  and  when,  after  many  months, 
there  came  no  news  of  any  kind,  then  our  merchant- 
monarchs  (now  happily  extinct)  fitted  out  an  expedi- 
tion, with  credentials  to  the  Fattish  Government,  if 
any.  Wild  rumors  had  spread  that  the  Gulf  Stream 
was  diverted,  making  the  Skitish  islands  uninhab- 
itable, but  I  had  just  then  returned  from  a  voyage  to 
Norroway  and  knew  that  it  was  not  so.  I  had  gazed 
at  the  coasts  of  the  mysterious  islands  with  pity,  with 
curiosity,  with  sad  and,  I  must  own  it,  sentimental 
longing.  Were  they  not  our  home  ?  We  were  still 
colonists  in  those  days,  always  looking  to  other  lands 
than  that  in  which  we  lived.  "  O  Fatland,"  I  cried. 


112  WINDMILLS 

"  O  mother  inviolate !  "  But  we  had  the  captain's 
wife  on  board  and  she  laughed  and  said  that  was  not 
the  adjective  to  apply  to  a  mother. 


II:  CASTAWAY 

ON  my  return  I  married  and  put  my  savings  into  my 
father-in-law's  brush-making  business,  which  was  al- 
most at  once  ruined,  and  I  had  to  go  to  sea  again. 
Government  money  had  been  got  for  the  expedition 
I  told  you  of,  and  I  knew  that  pay  would  be  higher 
on  that  account.  I  sent  in  an  application,  and,  hav- 
ing an  uncle  well  placed,  was  taken  on  as  third  of- 
ficer. A  dirty  little  gunboat  had  been  put  in  com- 
mission, and  directly  I  set  eyes  on  her  I  knew  the 
voyage  would  be  unlucky.  We  were  but  three  days 
out  when  we  had  trouble  with  the  propeller  shaft 
and  were  carried  far  north  among  the  ugliest  ice  I 
ever  saw,  and  narrowly  escaped  being  caught  in  a 
floe.  Fortunately  we  ran  into  a  southward  current 
in  the  nick  of  time  and,  with  a  fresh  wind 
springing  up,  were  quickly  out  of  danger.  How- 
ever, the  years  of  war  had  added  another  peril 
to  those  of  nature.  We  fouled  a  mine  among  the 
islands  of  Smugland  and  were  blown  to  bits.  At  the 
time  I  was  standing  near  a  number  of  petrol  cans, 
and  when  I  came  to  the  surface  of  the  water  I  found 


GYNECOLOGIA  1 13 

some  of  them  floating  near  me.  I  tied  six  of  them 
together  and  they  made  a  tidy  little  raft,  though  it 
was  very  uncomfortable.  On  them  I  drifted  for 
four  days  until  hunger  and  thirst  were  too  much  for 
me  and  I  swooned  away.  I  was  then  past  agony  and 
my  swoon  was  more  like  passing  into  an  enchantment 
than  a  physical  surrender. 

I  was  not  at  all  astonished,  therefore,  when  I  came 
to  my  senses  to  find  myself  in  a  bed  with  a  man  sit- 
ting by  my  bedside.  Very  glad  was  I  to  see  him,  and 
I  cried  out  in  a  big  voice : 

"  Kerbosh !  If  I  ain't  got  into  heaven  by  mis- 
take." 

The  man  shook  his  head  sadly  and  said: 

"Heaven?     No." 

But  I  could  not  shake  off  the  feeling  that  I  was  in 
Heaven.  The  man  had  long  hair  and  a  beard,  and 
I  could  be  pardoned  for  taking  him  for  Peter.  He 
wore  a  rough  shift,  a  long  kilt  below  his  knees,  and 
thick  stockings,  and  by  his  elbow  on  a  little  table, 
was  another  stocking  which  he  had  been  knitting. 
He  gave  me  food  and  drink,  and  I  at  once  felt 
stronger,  but  somewhat  squeamish,  so  that  the  sense 
of  hallucination  clung  about  me.  When  I  asked 
where  I  was,  the  man  tiptoed  to  the  door,  opened  it- 
and  listened,  then  returned  to  my  bedside  and  said  in 
a  whisper : 

"  It  is  as  much  as  my  place  is  worth,  but  I  would 


114  WINDMILLS 

warn  you  as  man  to  man  to  make  good  your  escape 
while  you  may.  As  man  to  man,  I  say  it,  man  to 
man." 

He  was  so  terribly  excited  as  he  said  this  that  I 
decided  in  my  own  mind  that  he  was  a  harmless  lun- 
atic, one  of  the  many  whom  the  great  wars  had  ren- 
dered idiotic.  To  humour  him  I  repeated: 

"  As  man  to  man." 

And  I  put  out  my  hand.  He  seized  it  and  said  in 
a  desperate  voice: 

"  I  am  old  enough  to  be  your  fa " 

Footsteps  sounded  on  the  stairs  and  in  absolute 
terror  he  stopped,  took  up  his  knitting  and  plied  the 
needles  frantically. 


Ill:  MY  CAPTOR 

THE  footsteps  came  up  to  the  door  of  the  room  in 
which  I  lay.  The  door  opened  to  reveal  a  truly  re- 
markable figure;  plump,  short,  with  a  tousled  mop 
of  reddish-grey  hair  and  a  wide,  pleasant,  weather- 
beaten  face.  This  figure  was  clad  in  a  loose  blue 
coat  and  Bulgarian  trousers,  very  baggy  about  the 
hips  and  tight  about  the  calves;  not  at  all  an  unbe- 
coming costume,  though  it  both  puzzled  and  pained 
me.  So  much  so  that  I  pretended  to  be  asleep,  for  I 


GYNECOLOGIA  11$ 

was  averse  to  being  made  to  speak  to  this  strange 
object.  A  woman's  voice  addressed  the  man  with 
the  knitting  and  asked  him  how  I  was.  He  replied 
that  I  had  come  to  my  senses  and  gone  to  sleep  again. 
As  luck  would  have  it,  the  food  I  had  eaten  so  has- 
tily began  just  then  to  cause  me  acute  discomfort, 
and  my  body,  escaping  my  control,  relieved  itself 
after  its  fashion.  Thereupon  the  woman,  perceiv- 
ing that  I  was  malingering,  fell  upon  me  and  shook 
me  until  my  teeth  rattled  and  delivered  herself  of  an 
oration  upon  the  deceitfulness  of  man.  I  was  still 
suffering  acutely  and  could  offer  no  resistance,  though 
I  cried  out  that  I  was  an  American  citizen  and  neu- 
tral and  should  have  the  matter  brought  to  the  ears 
of  my  Government. 

"In  this  country,"  said  my  assailant,  "  men  are 
men  and  are  treated  as  such,  and  we  do  not  recognize 
the  existence  of  any  other  country  in  the  world. 
You  will  get  up  now  and  place  your  superior  strength 
at  the  service  of  those  who  feed  you  and  as  far  as 
possible  justify  your  existence." 

The  man  with  the  knitting  had  crept  from  the 
room.  He  returned  with  a  shift,  a  kilt  and  stock- 
ings like  his  own.  I  was  made  to  put  these  on,  the 
woman,  in  defiance  of  all  decency,  watching  me  and 
talking  shrilly  all  the  time.  Then  she  drove  the 
man  and  myself  out  of  doors  and  set  us  to  work  at 
hoeing  in  a  field  of  turnips,  while  she  whistled  to  a 


Il6  WINDMILLS 

dog  that  came  bounding  over  a  hedge,  and  trudged 
off  in  the  direction  of  a  wood. 

"  Who  is  she?  "  said  I.     "  Is  she  your  wife?  " 

"Wife?"  answered  he.  "Wife!  There  is 
neither  marriage  nor  giving  in  marriage.  She  is  a 
farmer,  and  I,  who  was  once  a  Professor  of  Eco- 
nomics, am  her  labourer.  Intellectually  I  am  in  de- 
spair, but  physically  I  am  in  such  rude  health  that  I 
cannot  entertain  the  thought  of  self-destruction  long 
enough  to  commit  the  act.  She  is  my  niece,  and 
when  the  change  came  she  undertook,  as  all  women 
did,  to  provide  work  for  her  male  relatives  above  a 
certain  age." 

"  Change?"  I  whispered.     "  What  change?  " 

"  Have  you  not  heard?  "  he  said.  "  Is  the  coun- 
try severed  from  the  civilised  world?  " 

I  informed  him  of  the  expedition  which  I  had 
joined.  He  gave  a  long  hopeless  sigh  and  fell  into 
a  great  silence  which  moved  me  far  more  than  his 
words  had  done.  We  plied  our  hoes  in  the  immense 
field  which  was  situated  in  a  desolate  region  of  slight 
undulations  the  outlines  of  which  were  blurred  with 
rank  growth. 

Presently  I  broke  in  upon  his  silence  to  ask  his 
name. 

"I  was,"  he  murmured,  "I  was  Professor  Ian 
Baffin." 

"  Can  it  be  possible?"  I  cried,  for  the  fame  of 


GYNECOLOGIA  117 

that  great  man  was  world-wide,  and  during  the  no- 
torious Anti-Trust  elections  in  my  country  his  works 
had  been  in  every  cultured  home.  I  told  him  this, 
but  it  brought  him  no  comfort. 

"  At  the  time  of  the  change,"  he  said,  "  I  and 
fifty  other  Professors  and  Fellows  of  Colleges  pub- 
lished a  manifesto  in  which  we  pointed  out  the  dis- 
asters that  must  ensue,  and  we  even  went  so  far  as  to 
promise  them  degrees  at  the  major  universities,  but 
the  change  came  and  the  universities  were  de- 
stroyed." 

"  What  change?  "  I  asked  again. 

He  leaned  on  his  hoe  and  gazed  toward  the  setting 
sun. 

IV:  THE  CHANGE 

"  ABOUT  the  tenth  year  of  the  second  of  the  great 
wars,"  he  said,  "  there  was  a  convulsion  in  the  coun- 
try. A  young  idealist  appeared  who  with  fiery  and 
vulgar  eloquence  proclaimed  that  war  was  the  tri- 
umph of  the  old  over  the  young,  to  whom  since  the 
world  began  justice  had  never  been  done.  The  old, 
he  said,  were  in  the  position  of  trustees  who  had  be- 
trayed their  trust  and  instead  of  working  for  the 
benefit  of  the  endless  army  of  the  young  who  came 
after  them,  devoted  all  their  energies  to  robbing 
them  of  their  birthright.  To  extricate  themselves 


Il8  WINDM  ILLS 

from  the  punishment  which  must  otherwise  have  fal- 
len on  them  they  exploited  the  courage  and  love  of 
adventure  of  the  young  and  set  them  to  destroy  each 
other.  So  successful  had  they  been  in  this  device 
that  they  could  count  on  using  it  at  least  once  in  every 
generation,  and  politicians  knew  that  when  they  were 
at  the  end  of  their  tether  they  could  always  procure 
a  continuance  of  their  offices  and  emoluments  by  de- 
claring war.  This  had  been  the  condition  of  civil- 
ised existence  for  so  many  thousands  of  years  that 
it  was  generally  accepted  and  the  truth  was  never 
suspected  until  our  young  idealist  arrived  with  honey 
on  his  lips  for  the  young  and  gall  and  bitter  invective 
for  the  old.  He  rushed  up  and  down  the  country 
persuading  young  men  on  no  condition  to  take  up 
arms.  'Government?'  he  said.  'What  govern- 
ment do  you  need  except  such  as  will  provide  you 
with  roads,  railways,  lighting,  bread  for  the  incapac- 
itated, and  drainage  for  all?  '  I  signed  a  manifesto 
against  him  too.  His  ignorance  of  economics  was 
pitiful.  In  the  end  martial  law  was  proclaimed  and 
he  was  shot.  The  young  men  did  not  listen  to  him, 
but  the  young  women  did.  Shooting  him  was  a  mis- 
take. It  gave  his  name  the  magic  of  martyrdom. 
By  the  thousand,  women,  old,  young,  and  middle- 
aged,  cherished  his  portrait  in  their  bosoms,  prayed 
to  him  in  secret,  vowed  themselves  to  his  cause,  and 
remained  chaste.  Nunneries  were  founded  in  his 


GYNECOLOGIA  119 

name,  but  so  potent  was  the  spell  of  his  martyrdom, 
so  overwrought  were  the  women  of  this  country  by 
the  many  crises  through  which  we  have  passed,  that 
amid  all  the  temptations  of  life  they  were  dedicated 
to  his  memory  and  preserved  their  virginity.  They 
said  if  the  country  can  find  no  better  use  for  our  sons 
than  to  send  them  to  the  slaughter  and  disablement, 
we  will  breed  no  sons.  The  Government  was 
warned,  but  like  all  governments  they  could  not  see 
beyond  the  system  by  which  they  governed,  and 
when  at  last  they  were  convinced  that  something  seri- 
ous was  happening,  they  could  think  of  no  other  rem- 
edy than  that  of  giving  votes,  i.e.  a  share  in  the  sys- 
tem by  which  they  enjoyed  their  positions.  At  first, 
to  show  their  contempt  for  the  Government,  the 
women  did  not  use  their  votes  until  the  country  was 
shown  by  an  energetic  and  public-spirited  woman 
that  another  war  was  in  the  making.  An  election 
was  forced  and  the  Government  was  defeated.  At 
the  conclusion  of  the  second  great  war  you  may  re- 
member that  Bondon  was  destroyed,  and  with  it  the 
Houses  of  Parliament  and  the  Royal  Palace.  A 
new  capital  was  chosen,  but  as  Fatland  was  no  longer 
the  center  of  the  world's  credit  system,  finance  had 
lost  its  old  power.  A  new  type  of  politician  had 
arisen,  who,  in  order  to  win  favour  with  the  women, 
set  himself  to  do  all  in  his  power  to  make  government 
impossible.  The  enormous  numerical  superiority  of 


120  WINDMILLS 

the  women  made  their  leaders  paramount  in  the 
land,  though  there  was  still  officially  a  Cabinet  and  a 
House  of  Swells.  On  the  third  and  last  outbreak 
of  hostilities  the  officials  made  their  final  despairing 
effort  and  declared  war  on  Fatterland,  but  they  had 
no  army.  They  had  been  unable  to  rebuild  their 
fleet  as  all  the  other  countries  had  done.  They  were 
helpless.  The  Cabinet  and  the  House  of  Swells,  to 
set  an  example  to  the  country,  armed  themselves  and 
went  to  the  front,  taking  with  them  the  last  ten  thou- 
sand young  men  in  the  country.  They  never  re- 
turned and  the  country  was  left  populated  solely  by 
old  men,  cripples,  and  women,  of  whom  a  few  thou- 
sand were  pregnant.  These  were  interned.  A 
committee  of  influential  women  was  formed  and  is- 
sued a  decree  that  Fatland  would  henceforth  have  no 
share  in  male  civilisation.  Men  had,  to  cut  a  long 
story  short,  made  a  mess  of  things,  and  women 
would  now  see  what  they  could  do.  They  began  by 
abolishing  property  in  land.  The  first,  the  only  im- 
portant thing  was  to  feed  the  population.  The 
State  guaranteed  to  everybody  food,  housing,  and 
clothes.  Able-bodied  women  were  to  take  charge  of 
their  male  relatives  and  make  them  useful.  Decent 
women,  that  is  to  say  virgins,  were  to  work  on  the 
land.  All  women  guilty  of  childbirth  were  to  be 
sent  to  work  in  the  factories.  I  cannot  remember 
all  the  laws  made,  for  my  memory  has  been  impaired 


GYNECOLOGIA  121 

by  my  sufferings,  but  they  were  all  dictated  by  an 
unreasoning  and  venomous  hatred  of  men.  We  are 
little  better  than  slaves.  They  laugh  at  us  affec- 
tionately, but  they  despise  and  ignore  our  thoughts. 
They  have  defied  every  economic  law,  but  astonish- 
ingly they  continue  to  live." 

"  Indeed,"  said  I,  "  the  world  goes  on.  The  sun 
sets  and  will  rise  as  it  has  done  these  millions  of 
years,  with  change  upon  change,  folly  upon  folly  be- 
neath it.  We  turn  up  the  earth  for  the  food  we  eat 
and  so  we  live.  Truly  I  think  there  is  some  wisdom 
in  these  women." 

The  sun  went  down,  a  bell  rang  in  the  farmhouse, 
we  shouldered  our  hoes  and  returned  thither,  each 
busy  with  his  own  thoughts. 


V:  THE  HOMESTEAD 

To  my  annoyance  I  found  that  the  bell  was  not  a 
summons  to  a  meal,  but  to  a  meeting  of  the  family 
of  five  women  for  a  kind  of  a  service.  This  con- 
sisted in  reading  aloud  from  the  speeches  of  William 
Christmas,  the  idealist  who  had  provoked  this  mon- 
strous state  of  affairs.  His  portrait  hung  on  the 
wall  opposite  the  door,  and  I  must  confess  that  his 
face  was  singularly  beautiful.  The  woman  who 
had  roused  me  from  my  bed  read  a  passage  begin- 


122  WINDMILLS 

ning :  '  The  tyranny  of  the  old  is  due  to  their  stu- 
pidity, which  neither  young  men  nor  women  have 
yet  had  the  patience  to  break  through."  And  as  she 
closed  the  book  she  said,  "  Thus  spake  William 
Christmas."  Whereupon  the  other  women  mut- 
tered, "  of  blessed  memory,  which  endureth  for  ever 
and  ever.  Amen."  These  women  were  plain  and 
forbidding.  Their  eyes  were  fixed  on  the  portrait 
with  a  dog-like  subjection  which  I  found  most  repul- 
.  sive.  They  stood  transfixed  while  the  woman- 
farmer  declaimed :  "  For  guidance,  William  Christ- 
mas, spirit  of  woman  incarnate,  we  look  to  thee  in 
the  morning  and  in  the  evening,  in  our  goings  out  and 
our  comings  in,  and  woe  to  her  who  stumbles  on  the 
way  of  all  flesh  into  the  snares  of  men."  On  that 
the  five  of  them  turned  and  glared  sorrowfully  at  my 
old  friend  and  me  until  I  was  hard  put  to  it  not  to 
laugh.  The  meeting  then  came  to  an  end,  and  we 
were  told  to  prepare  supper.  We  withdrew  to  the 
kitchen,  and  there  Professor  Baffin  began  to  snigger, 
and  when  I  asked  him  what  amused  him  he  said : 

"  The  joke  of  it  is  that  this  Christmas,  like  all 
idealists,  was  as  great  a  lecher  as  Julius  Caesar.  It 
was  his  lechery  made  his  position  in  the  old  order 
of  society  impossible." 

I  laughed  too,  for  I  had  begun  dimly  to  under- 
stand the  passion  which  moved  these  virgins  in  their 
chastity,  and  I  was  filled  with  a  fierce  hatred  of  the 


GYNECOLOGIA  123 

lot  of  them,  and  resolved  as  soon  as  possible  to  es- 
cape. 

We  cooked  a  meal  of  fish  and  eggs,  and  having 
laid  the  table  we  had  to  wait  on  the  family.  I  was 
struck  by  the  triviality  of  their  discourse  and  the  ab- 
sence from  it  of  any  general  argument.  The  five 
women  twittered  like  sparrows  in  mid-winter  and  not 
once  did  they  laugh.  They  talked  of  the  condition 
of  their  beasts  and  their  crops,  and  so  earnest,  so 
careful  were  they  that  I  understood  that  it  must  be 
barren  soil  indeed  that  would  resist  their  efforts. 
They  were  discussing  what  goods  they  would  requi- 
sition from  the  district  store  in  return  for  their  con- 
tribution to  the  State  granaries.  I  wondered  if  they 
had  succeeded  in  abolishing  money,  and  upon  enquiry 
I  found  that  they  had.  The  Professor  told  me  that 
they  had  abolished  everything  which  before  the 
change  had  made  them  dependent  upon  men  and 
their  pleasure. 

"  But  why  do  you  men  stand  it?  "  I  cried. 

'  We  would  starve  else.  We  have  no  credit. 
Contributions  to  the  State  granaries  are  not  accepted 
from  men,  nor  are  men  allowed  to  trade  direct  with 
the  stores." 

"  But  cannot  they  revolt  and  use  their  strength?  " 

"  The  strange  thing  is,"  said  the  Professor,  "  that 
men  cannot  now  endure  the  sight  of  each  other. 
They  are  as  jealous  of  each  other  as  women  were  in 


124  WINDMILLS 

the  old  days.  Besides,  writing  is  forbidden,  and  no 
book  is  allowed  save  the  posthumous  works  of  the 
lecherous  William.  The  libraries  were  destroyed 
on  the  same  day  as  the  arsenals.  Intelligence  is 
gagged.  Thrift  and  a  terrible  restless  activity  are 
now  our  only  virtues." 

"And  art?" 

"  Art?  How  should  there  be  art?  It  was  never 
more  than  the  amusement  of  women  in  their  idle- 
ness. They  are  no  longer  idle  and  I  must  admit 
that  they  are  admirably  methodical  in  their  work, 
energetic  and  straightforward  as  men  never  were. 
But  it  is  ill  living  in  a  woman-made  world  and  I  shall 
not  be  sorry  when  death  comes." 


VI:  OBSEQUIES 

DEATH  came  to  the  old  man  that  night,  and  so  sur- 
prised him  that  he  was  unable  to  feel  anything.  I 
had  been  put  to  sleep  in  the  same  room  with  him  and 
was  awakened  by  his  talking.  He  was  delivering 
himself  of  what  sounded  like  a  lecture,  but  he  broke 
off  in  the  middle  to  say : 

'  This  is  very  astonishing.     I  am  going  to  die." 

I  struck  a  light,  and  there  he  was  lying  with  a 

smile  of  incredulity  upon  his  face,  and  I  thought  that, 


GYNECOLOGIA  12$ 

if  we  were  sentient  beings  when  we  were  born,  so 
and  not  otherwise  we  would  accept  the  gift  of  life. 
So  and  not  otherwise  do  we  greet  all  manifesta- 
tions of  life  which  have  not  become  familiar  through 
habit. 

I  was  grateful  to  the  old  man  for  giving  me  the 
key  to  my  own  frame  of  mind.  I  spoke  to  him,  but 
he  was  dead. 

His  loud  discourse  had  roused  the  mistress  of  the 
house  who  came  knocking  at  the  door,  saying: 

"  Baffin,  if  you  don't  behave  yourself  I  shall  come 
and  tickle  you." 

So  astounded  and  outraged  was  I  at  this  address 
that  I  leapt  out  of  my  bed,  donned  my  kilt,  and  said: 

"  Come  in,  woman,  and  see  what  you  have  done. 
This  learned  old  man,  whose  mind  was  one  of  the 
glories  of  the  world,  has  been  driven  to  his  death, 
starved,  deprived  of  the  intellectual  habits  through 
which  a  long  life  had  been " 

I  got  no  further,  for  the  woman  flung  herself  upon 
me  and  tickled  my  sides  and  armpits  until  I  shrieked. 
Two  other  women  came  rushing  up  and  held  me  on 
the  floor,  and  then  with  a  feather  they  tickled  my 
feet  until  I  was  nearly  mad.  I  wept  and  cried  for 
mercy,  and  at  last  they  desisted  and  withdrew,  leav- 
ing me  with  the  corpse,  to  which  they  paid  not  the 
slightest  attention. 

The  next  morning  I  was  told  to  dig  a  grave  and 


126  WINDMILLS 

to  prepare  the  body  for  burial.  There  was  no  more 
ceremony  than  in  a  civilised  country  is  given  to  the 
interment  of  a  dog,  and  in  the  house  I  only  heard  the 
old  man  referred  to  twice.  The  youngest  of  the 
women  said,  "  He  was  a  dear  old  idiot,"  but  the  mis- 
tress of  the  house  shut  her  mouth  like  a  trap  on  the 
words:  "  One  the  less." 

But  a  day  or  two  later  I  found  upon  the  grave  a 
pretty  wreath  of  wild  flowers,  and  that  evening  un- 
der a  hedge  I  came  on  a  little  girl,  who  was  crying 
softly  to  herself.  I  had  not  seen  her  before  and  was 
puzzled  to  know  where  she  came  from.  She  said 
her  name  was  Audrey  and  she  lived  at  the  next  farm, 
where  they  were  very  unkind  to  her,  and  she  used  to 
meet  the  old  man  in  the  fields  and  he  was  very  nice 
to  her,  and  when  she  heard  he  was  dead  she  wanted 
to  die  too.  The  men  on  the  farm  were  rough  and 
dirty,  and  the  women  were  all  spiteful  and  suspicious. 

When  I  asked  her  if  she  had  put  the  wreath  on  my 
old  friend's  grave,  she  was  frightened  and  made  me 
promise  not  to  tell  anyone.  Of  course  I  promised, 
and  I  took  her  home.  As  we  parted  we  engaged  to 
meet  again  in  the  wood  half-way  between  our  two 
houses. 


GYNECOLOGIA  127 


VII:  SLAVERY 

IN  my  own  country  I  have  often  remarked  the  cruel 
lack  of  consideration  with  which  women  treat  their 
servants,  but  here  I  was  appalled  by  the  bland  inhu- 
manity of  the  conduct  of  these  women  toward  my- 
self. I  was  given  no  wages  and  no  liberty.  (I 
could  not  keep  my  engagement  with  Audrey.)  I 
was  a  hind,  and  lived  in  horror  of  the  degradation 
into  which  I  saw  that  I  must  sink.  Day  after  day 
of  the  cruel  work  of  the  fields  brought  me  to  a  torpid 
condition  in  which  I  could  but  blindly  obey  the  orders 
given  me  when  I  returned  home.  Especially  I 
dreaded  the  evenings  on  those  days  when  the  mis- 
tress of  the  house  went  to  the  district  stores,  for  she 
always  returned  out  of  temper  and  found  fault  with 
everything  I  did.  Also,  when  she  was  out  of  tem- 
per, her  readings  from  the  Book  of  Christmas  were 
twice  as  long  as  usual. 

I  was  some  weeks  in  this  melancholy  condition, 
not  knowing  how  I  could  make  my  escape  and  in- 
deed despairing  of  it,  when  I  was  sent  on  a  message 
to  the  next  farm.  On  the  way  back  I  met  Audrey, 
at  the  sight  of  whose  young  beauty  I  forgot  the  de- 
spair which  latterly  had  seized  me.  I  rushed  to 
her  and  caught  her  up  in  my  arms  and  kissed  her. 
Thereupon  she  said  she  would  never  go  back,  but 


128  WINDMILLS 

would  stay  with  me  forever.  I  could  not  deny  her, 
for  I  had  found  in  her  the  incentive  which  I  had  lost 
in  my  growing  indifference  to  my  fate.  She  was  but 
a  child,  and  the  only  gracious  being  I  had  met  in  this 
ill-fated  country.  Hand  in  hand  we  wandered  until 
dusk,  when  I  hid  her  in  the  hay-loft  and  returned  to 
my  duties. 

I  was  severely  chidden  for  my  long  absence  and 
ordered  during  the  next  week  to  wear  the  Skirt  of 
Punishment,  a  garment  of  the  shape  fashionable 
among  women  at  the  time  of  the  great  change. 
Poor  Audrey  could  not  help  laughing  when  she  saw 
me  in  it,  but  having  no  other  clothes  I  had  to  put  off 
all  thought  of  escape  until  I  was  released  from  pun- 
ishment. Never  before  had  I  realised  how  cramped 
the  mind  could  become  from  the  confinement  of  the 
legs.  My  week  in  a  skirt  came  very  near  to  break- 
ing my  spirit.  Another  four  days  of  it  and  I  believe 
I  should  have  grovelled  in  submissive  adoration  be- 
fore my  tyrant.  Only  my  nightly  visits  to  Audrey 
kept  me  in  courage  and  resolution. 

VIII:  A  STRANGE  WOOING 

THE  youngest  of  the  women  in  the  homestead  was 
the  last  to  speak  to  me.  She  was  dark  and  not  un- 
comely, and  I  had  often  noticed  her  at  the  readings 
smile  rather  fearfully  at  her  own  thoughts.  Once 


GYNECOLOGIA  1 29 

my  eyes  had  met  hers  and  I  was  shocked  by  the  di- 
rect challenge  of  her  gaze.  At  the  time  I  was  dis- 
turbed and  uneasy,  but  soon  forgot  and  took  no  no- 
tice of  the  woman  except  that  I  felt  vaguely  that  she 
was  unhappy.  But  soon  I  was  always  meeting  her. 
I  would  find  her  lurking  in  the  rooms  as  I  came  to 
scrub  and  clean  them.  Or  she  would  appear  in  the 
lane  as  I  came  home  from  the  fields,  or  I  would  meet 
her  in  the  doorway,  so  that  I  could  not  help  brushing 
against  her.  A  little  later  I  missed  one  of  my  stock- 
ings as  I  got  up  in  the  morning  and  had  to  go  bare- 
foot until  I  had  knitted  another  pair. 

One  night  as  I  was  creeping  off  to  my  poor  Aud- 
rey, now  deadly  weary  of  her  close  quarters  in  the 
hay,  to  my  horror  I  met  this  woman  clad  in  her 
night  attire.  She  vanished  and  I  went  my  way 
thoroughly  frightened.  I  told  Audrey  to  be  ready 
to  come  with  me  next  day,  for  we  were  spied  upon 
and  could  not  now  wait,  as  we  had  planned,  until  my 
little  thefts  from  the  larder  had  given  us  a  sufficient 
store  of  food. 

Nothing  happened  the  next  day  and  I  gave  up  my 
determination  to  ransack  the  larder.  That  night  as 
I  opened  the  door  I  found  the  woman  pressed 
against  it,  so  that  she  fell  almost  into  my  arms.  She 
clung  to  me  wildly,  assured  me  that  I  was  the  most 
beautiful  man  she  had  ever  seen,  and  tried  to  press 
me  back  into  my  room,  her  tone,  her  whole  bearing 


130  WINDMILLS 

conveying  an  invitation  about  which  it  was  impossi- 
ble to  be  mistaken.  It  chilled  me  to  the  heart,  com- 
ing as  it  did  so  suddenly  out  of  the  coldness  engen- 
dered by  the  rigid  separation  of  the  sexes  and  the 
deliberate  humiliation  of  men  in  that  woman-ridden 
region.  As  gently  as  I  could  I  put  her  from  me, 
though  it  was  not  so  easy,  and  I  rushed  out  into  the 
night.  I  could  not  tell  Audrey  what  had  happened, 
but  as  soon  as  I  saw  her  I  felt  that  the  moment  for 
our  escape  had  come.  If  we  did  not  seize  it  I  should 
be  denounced  and  tickled,  if  not  worse.  We  crept 
away  and  made  straight  across  the  fields  and  at  dawn 
hid  in  a  wood. 


IX:  THE  RUINED  CITY 

I  WAS  relieved  to  hear  from  Audrey  that  there  were 
no  newspapers.  She  told  me  that  a  man  from  her 
farm  had  run  away  but  was  never  found.  There 
were  always  new  men  coming,  because  it  was  impos- 
sible for  them  to  obtain  food  except  what  they  could 
kill.  In  the  summer  there  were  always  men  wan- 
dering about  the  country,  but  they  came  back  in  the 
winter  and  were  glad  to  work  for  their  board  and 
lodging.  I  soon  understood  this,  for  when  we  had 
exhausted  our  store  we  were  often  a  whole  day  with- 
out a  morsel  passing  our  lips,  and  I  began  to  see  the 


GYNECOLOGIA  131 

foolhardiness  of  my  attempt  at  liberty.  Again  and 
again  I  besought  Audrey  to  leave  me,  but  she  would 
not.  She  could  always  have  obtained  a  meal  for 
herself  had  she  gone  alone  to  a  house,  but  wherever 
I  went  I  was  asked  for  my  registered  number,  and 
at  first  had  not  the  readiness  to  invent  one.  At  last 
I  told  one  woman  I  was  8150.  She  asked  me  what 
district  and  I  did  not  know.  On  that  she  bundled 
me  out  and  I  was  lucky  to  escape  detention.  When 
I  asked  Audrey  about  the  registration  she  said  all 
men  were  registered  with  a  number  and  a  letter. 
The  men  on  her  farm  had  been  L.D.  Next  time  I 
s'aid  I  was  L.D.  8150,  and  when  asked  my  business  I 
said  I  was  taking  my  young  miss  to  the  nunnery  at 
O.  Either  my  answer  was  satisfactory  or  Audrey's 
beauty  was  the  passport  it  would  be  in  any  normal 
country,  for  we  were  handsomely  treated  and  given 
a  present  of  three  -cheeses  to  take  to  the  nuns. 

We  ate  the  cheeses  and  were  kept  alive  until, 
after  a  fortnight's  journey,  we  came  on  a  dismal 
mass  of  blackened  buildings.  We  entered  the  city, 
once  world-famous  for  its  textiles,  and  never  have  I 
been  so  near  the  hopelessness  of  the  damned.  The 
remains  of  a  dead  civilisation;  decomposing  and  fes- 
tering; grass  grew  in  between  the  cobbles  of  the 
streets;  weeds  were  rank;  creepers  covered  the  walls 
of  the  houses  and  their  filthy  windows.  Huge  fac- 
tories were  crumbling  away,  and  here  and  there  we 


132  WINDMILLS 

came  on  immense  piles  of  bricks  where  the  chimneys 
had  tumbled  down.  For  miles  we  walked  through 
the  streets  and  never  saw  a  soul  until  as  we  turned  a 
corner  into  a  square  we  came  on  a  sight  that  made  me 
think  we  had  reached  the  lowest  Hell. 


X:  THE  OUTLAWS 

THERE  was  a  great  fire  in  the  middle  of  the  square, 
and  round  this  was  a  tatterdemalion  crew  of  men 
and  women.  They  were  roasting  an  ox,  and,  as 
they  waited  for  it,  they  sang  and  danced.  When  we 
approached  near  enough  to  hear  what  they  were 
singing  I  blushed  and  felt  aggrieved  for  Audrey. 
Many  of  the  men  and  women  were  perfectly  shame- 
less in  their  gestures,  and  I  wished  to  go  back  the 
way  we  had  come.  However,  we  had  been  seen, 
and  were  drawn  into  the  light  of  the  fire  and  asked 
to  give  an  account  of  ourselves.  I  told  them  I  was 
an  American  citizen  only  too  anxious  to  return  to  my 
own  country  now  I  had  seen  the  pass  to  which  theirs 
had  been  brought.  Audrey  clung  to  me,  and  I  said 
she  was  my  little  cousin  whom  I  had  come  to  deliver, 
and  that,  having  wandered  hungry  for  so  many  days, 
we  had  taken  refuge  in  the  town  in  the  hope  of  far- 
ing better.  We  were  given  stools  to  sit  on,  and 
slices  of  the  best  cut  of  the  ox  were  put  before  us. 


GYNECOLOGIA  133 

The  rest  drank  spirits  and  wine  from  some  cellar  in 
the  town  and  were  soon  more  crazy  than  ever,  and 
more  obscene,  but  with  my  belly  full  of  good  meat 
I  was  not  offended  and  preferred  their  debauchery 
to  the  icy  virtue  which  had  so  horribly  oppressed  me 
at  the  homestead.  Audrey  was  excited  by  it  all,  but 
I  knew  that  her  innocence  could  take  no  harm. 

Presently  there  was  only  one  man  sober  besides 
myself.  He  came  towards  me  and  invited  me  to 
stay  the  night  in  his  house  where  he  lived  alone 
with  his  son.  I  liked  the  looks  of  the  man.  He 
was  poorly  clad,  but  in  the  old  fashion  of  coat  and 
trousers,  whereas  the  costumes  of  the  men  in  the 
square  were  strange  and  bizarre. 

As  we  walked  through  the  dark  streets  our  new 
friend  told  me  that  all  the  great  cities  of  Fatland 
were  in  this  condition,  abandoned  to  the  dregs  of  the 
population,  degraded  men  and  women,  idle  and  law- 
less, with  the  leaven  of  the  few  proud  spirits  who 
would  not  accept  the  new  regime  and  found  a  world 
governed  by  women  as  repulsive  as  a  world  governed 
by  men.  I  was  astonished  at  this,  for  I  could  not 
then  see,  as  later  I  saw,  the  abomination  of  civilised 
life  as  I  had  known  it  at  home.  Perhaps  a  sailor, 
for  whom  life  ashore  means  pleasure  and  relief  from 
responsibilities,  cannot  feel  injustice  and  inequality. 
On  the  sea  he  has  his  own  way  of  dealing  with  those 
poisons. 


134  WINDMILLS 

The  house  we  came  to  was  small  but  comfortable. 
My  new  friend  explained  that  he  was  able  to  keep 
alive  by  dealing  with  the  outlaws,  who  kept  money 
current  among  themselves,  and,  indeed,  had  come  to 
regard  him  as  their  counsellor  and  peacemaker,  and 
never  returned  from  their  raids  without  bringing  him 
some  tribute.  Seeing  me  dubious  of  the  morality 
of  this,  he  explained  that  under  the  old  order  he  had 
been  a  shareholder  in  joint-stock  companies  and  ac- 
cepted his  share  of  the  profits  without  scruple  as  to 
how  they  had  been  obtained.  He  told  me  further 
that  he  was  quite  alone  in  the  city,  and  that  no  one 
else  maintained  the  old  life.  He  had  registered 
himself  in  compliance  with  the  law,  but  could  not 
leave  the  mathematical  work  to  which  his  life  had 
been  devoted,  for  he  believed  that  he  would  achieve 
results  which  would  survive  all  the  vicissitudes  of 
Fattish  civilisation  even  as  the  work  of  Pythagoras 
had  survived  ancient  Greece.  The  number  of  out- 
laws, he  said,  was  growing,  and  there  would  eventu- 
ally be  a  revolution,  to  lead  which  he  was  preparing 
and  educating  his  son,  Edmund.  His  own  sympa- 
thies, he  declared,  had  at  first  been  with  the  women, 
who  had  been  driven  to  extricate  the  country  from 
the  vicious  circle  of  war  into  which  it  had  been 
drawn  by  the  egregious  folly  of  men.  But  when, 
having  achieved  this,  they  abused  their  power  and, 
in  the  intoxication  of  their  success,  defied  nature  her- 


GYNECOLOGIA  135 

self,  then  he  had  abandoned  all  hope  and  had  taken 
the  only  means  of  dissociating  himself  from  the  life 
of  his  country,  namely,  by  staying  where  he  was. 
To  be  sure  the  women  had  established  agriculture  on 
a  sound  basis,  but  it  was  vain  for  them  to  breed  cattle 
if  they  would  not  breed  themselves. 

I  asked  him  if  he  was  a  widower.     He  said  No. 


XI:  EDMUND 

THIS  man's  son  was  the  most  charming  boy  I  ever 
set  eyes  on.  He  was  eighteen,  but  had  the  carriage 
and  assurance  of  a  young  man  in  his  prime,  most  res- 
olute and  happy.  He  liked  talking  to  me  and  was 
more  communicative  than  his  father.  For  a  fort- 
night he  would  work  steadily  at  his  books,  imbibing 
the  principles  of  government  in  the  philosophers 
from  Plato  down.  He  thought  they  were  all  wrong, 
said  so,  and  but  for  his  simplicity  I  should  have  put 
him  down  as  conceited.  It  was  very  slowly  as  I 
talked  to  him  that  I  came  to  realise  the  revolution  in 
thought  produced  by  the  great  European  wars  and 
the  terrible  consequences,  how  fatal  they  had  been 
to  the  old  easy  idealism.  The  new  spirit  in  its  gen- 
erous acceptance  of  the  gross  stuff  of  human  nature 
and  its  indomitable  search  for  beauty  in  it  has  been 
expressed  for  all  time  by  our  poet,  Hohlenheim,  and 


136  WINDMILLS 

I  only  need  state  here  that  I  encountered  it  for  the 
first  time  in  that  ruined  city.  Not,  however,  till 
Hohlenheim  expressed  it  did  I  recognise  it. 

But  for  Hohlenheim  I  could  believe  in  a  Provi- 
dence when  I  think  of  Edmund  and  Audrey.  They 
were  as  bee  and  flower.  The  honey  of  her  beauty 
drew  him  and  he  was  hers,  she  his,  from  the  first  mo- 
ment. I  had  regarded  her  as  a  child  and  was 
amazed  to  see  how  she  rejoiced  in  him.  I  had  ex- 
pected more  modesty  until  I  reflected  how  in  such 
darkness  as  that  which  enveloped  Fatland  love  must 
blaze.  It  flared  up  between  them  and  burned  them 
into  one  spirit.  So  moved  was  I  that  all  other  mar- 
riage, even  my  own,  has  always  seemed  a  mockery 
to  me. 

How  gracious  Audrey  was  to  me !  She  promised 
me  that  Edmund  would  hurry  up  his  revolution  so 
that  I  could  return  to  my  own  country,  but  I  was 
given  to  understand  that  the  position  was  very  diffi- 
cult, because  his  own  mother  was  Vice-Chairwoman 
of  the  Governing  Committee.  For  a  week  at  a  time 
Edmund  would  be  away  rounding  up  outlaws,  and, 
at  great  risk,  preaching  to  the  kilted  and  registered 
men  in  the  fields.  Had  he  been  caught  he  would 
have  been  tickled  to  death. 

After  a  time  I  went  with  him  on  his  expeditions. 
It  was  amazing  how  his  eloquence  and  his  personal- 
ity produced  their  effect  even  on  the  dullest  minds. 


GYNECOLOGIA  137 

The  stream  of  men  proceeding  to  the  ruined  city  in- 
creased every  day,  and  we  began  to  have  enough 
good  people  to  suppress  the  reckless  rioters  some- 
what and  to  organise  the  life  of  the  town  something 
after  the  fashion  of  the  Italian  city-state,  except  that 
we  made  no  warlike  preparations  whatsoever. 
Most  encouraging  of  all,  we  had  a,  growing  number 
of  young  women  coming  into  the  place,  and  thankful 
as  they  were  to  escape  the  nunneries  or  the  spinster- 
hood  of  the  farms,  they  quickly  found  mates  and  pro- 
duced children.  The  birth  of  every  baby  was  made 
a  matter  of  public  rejoicing. 

But  alas !  my  ill-luck  pursued  me.  On  one  of  our 
expeditions  we  were  cut  off  and  surrounded  in  a  field 
by  a  patrol  of  women.  Edmund  managed  to  escape, 
but  I  was  captured  and  tortured  into  making  a  con- 
fession of  what  was  going  on  in  the  ruined  city.  I 
did  not  see  how  my  confession  could  do  any  harm, 
and  I  don't  know  what  happened,  but  though  my 
friends  must  have  known  where  I  was  they  made  no 
attempt  to  rescue  me  or  to  communicate  with  me. 
I  think  I  should  have  died  rather  than  confess  but 
for  the  thought  of  my  wife.  My  strongest  passion 
then  was  to  see  her  again.  Let  that,  if  excuse  is 
needed,  be  mine. 


138  WINDMILLS 


XII:  THE  NUNNERY 

As  Edmund  disappeared  through  a  gap  in  the 
hedge  I  was  attacked  by  a  mob  of  women,  screaming 
at  the  top  of  their  voices.  They  talked  me  into  a 
state  of  stupefaction  and  led  me  dazed  in  the  direc- 
tion of  a  great  building  which  I  had  taken  for  a  fac- 
tory or  workhouse.  Here  with  the  leader  of  my 
captors  I  was  hustled  through  a  little  gate  with  the 
mob  outside  hooting  and  yelling : 

"Man!     Man!     Man!" 

I  was  flung  into  a  cell  and  left  there  to  collect  my 
wits,  which  I  found  hard  of  doing,  for  I  was  near 
the  limits  of  my  endurance,  and  I  did  not  see  how  I 
could  hold  out  against  the  numbing  influence  of  such 
absolute  feminism.  In  the  society  to  which  I  had 
been  accustomed  men,  whatever  their  misdeeds,  had 
always  treated  women  with  indulgence,  but  here  the 
life  of  a  man  was  one  long  expiation  for  the  crime  of 
having  been  born.  I  had  spirit  enough  left  in  me  to 
revolt,  but  my  feeling  could  only  express  itself  in 
bitter  tears.  I  wept  all  night  without  ceasing,  and 
the  next  day  I  was  so  weak  and  ill  that  I  slept  from 
utter  exhaustion. 

Bread  and  water  were  handed  in  to  me  through  a 
hole  in  the  door,  but  the  bread  was  sour  and  the  wa- 
ter was  foul  to  my  taste.  Once  again  I  fell  a  vie- 


GYNECOLOGIA  139 

tim  to  the  sense  of  hallucination,  and  when  at  last 
the  door  of  my  cell  was  opened  and  a  human  figure 
entered  I  was  half-convinced  that  I  was  honoured 
with  a  visitation  by  an  angel.  I  fell  on  my  knees 
and  the  "  angel  "  called  me  to  my  senses  by  saying: 
"  Fool,  get  up." 

I  obeyed  and  my  visitor  informed  me  that  she  was 
the  Medical  Superintendent  come  to  inspect  me.     I 
was  ordered  to  strip  and  stand  in  the  middle  of  the 
cell  while  the  superintendent  walked  round  me  and 
surveyed  me  as  farmers  do  with  cattle.      She  prodded 
my  flesh  and  asked  me  my  age  and  what  illnesses  I 
had  had.     She   sounded  my  lungs  and  tested  my 
heart  and  appeared  to  be  well  satisfied.     As  she 
scanned  my  person  there  came  into  her  eyes  a  quiz- 
zical, humorous  look,  in  which  there  was  a  certain 
kindly  pity,  so  that  I  was  reassured  and  plucked  up 
courage  to  ask  where  I  was  and  what  was  going  to  be 
done  with  me.     I  was  told  that  I  was  in  the  great 
nunnery  of  O,  and  that  my  destiny  depended  upon 
her  report.     I  asked  her  to  make  it  a  good  one  and 
she  laughed.     I  laughed  too,  for  indeed  mine  was  a 
most  ridiculous  position,  standing  there  stark  naked 
under  her  scrutiny.     It  became  necessary  for  me  to 
cover  myself,  and  when  I  had  done  so  we  still  stood 
there  laughing  like  two  sillies.     She  said: 

II  You'll  do." 
"  For  what?" 


140  WINDMILLS 

"  I  can  give  you  a  certificate  for  fatherhood." 

I  gasped  and  protested  that  I  was  married,  and 
expressed  my  horror  of  any  such  misconduct  as  she 
proposed.  She  ignored  my  protest  and  said: 

"  The  mothers  of  your  children  will  be  carefully 
chosen  for  you." 

On  that  I  roared  with  laughter.  The  idea  was 
too  preposterous.  The  superintendent  reproved  me 
and  said  that  any  ordinary  man  would  give  his  eyes 
to  be  in  my  position,  which  I  owed  entirely  to  my 
wonderful  physique.  I  declared  my  unwillingness 
and  demanded  as  an  American  citizen  to  be  set  at 
liberty.  She  told  me  that  the  idea  of  nationality 
was  not  recognised  and  that  I  must  serve  the  human 
race  in  the  way  marked  out  for  me.  "  How?  "  said 
I.  "Marked  out  for  me?  By  whom?"  I  was 
assured  by  my  own  physical  fitness.  I  protested  that 
I  could  not  look  upon  fatherhood  as  a  career,  but 
was  told  that  I  must  consider  it  among  the  noblest. 
I  maintained  that  it  could  never  be  for  a  man  more 
than  an  incident,  significant  and  delightful  no  doubt, 
but  no  more  to  be  specialized  in  than  any  other  natu- 
ral function.  Argument,  however,  was  impossible, 
for  on  this  subject  the  superintendent's  humour  de- 
serted her.  However,  her  interest  was  roused  and 
she  was  more  friendly  in  her  attitude,  and  consented 
to  explain  to  me  the  institution  which  she  served.  It 
was  not  in  the  old  sense  a  nunnery,  for  its  inmates 


GYNECOLOGIA  141 

were  not  vowed  to  seclusion,  and  though  portraits 
of  William  Christmas  were  plentiful  on  its  walls, 
there  was  no  formal  devotion  to  his  memory.  It 
was  literally  a  garden  of  girls.  Female  children 
were  brought  from  the  affiliated  creches  to  be  trained 
and  educated  for  the  functions  of  life  to  which  they 
were  best  fitted.  The  intelligent  were  equipped  for 
the  sciences,  the  strong  for  agriculture,  the  quick 
and  cunning  for  industry,  the  beautiful  for  maternity. 
Male  children  were  farmed  out  and  given  no  instruc- 
tion whatever,  since  they  needed  no  intelligence  for 
the  duties  they  had  to  perform.  "  But  the  birth- 
rate?" I  said,  and  received  the  answer:  "Should 
never  be  such  as  to  complicate  the  problem  of  food. 
It  is  better  to  have  a  small  sensible  population  than 
one  which  is  driven  mad  by  its  own  multitude." 

I  was  far  from  convinced  and  said :  "  Such  a 
world  might  a  student  of  bees  dream  of  after  a  late 
supper  of  radishes." 

My  new  friend  replied  that  I  had  not  lived 
through  the  nightmare  of  the  great  wars,  or  I  would 
be  in  a  better  position  to  appreciate  the  blessings  of  a 
scientific  society.  She  admitted  that  men  were 
perhaps  treated  with  undue  severity,  but  added  that, 
for  her  part,  she  believed  it  to  be  necessary  for  the 
gradual  suppression  of  the  masculine  conceit  and 
folly  which  had  for  so  long  ravaged  the  world.  In 
time  that  would  right  itself,  the  severity  would  be 


142  WINDMILLS 

relaxed,  and  men  would  assert  an  undeniable  claim  to 
a  due  share  in  the  benefits  of  civilisation.  In  the 
meanwhile,  she  would  do  all  in  her  power  to  befriend 
me.  I  implored  her  to  certify  me  unfit  for  father- 
hood, but  she  would  only  yield  so  far  as  to  declare 
that  I  was  in  need  of  a  month's  recuperation  and 
distraction. 

With  that  ended  my  interview  with  that  extraor- 
dinary woman,  who  in  happier  circumstances  would 
have  been  a  glory  to  her  sex. 

I  was  presently  removed  from  my  cell  to  a  pleas- 
ant room  in  the  lodge  by  the  gate,  and  I  was  made 
to  earn  my  keep  by  working  in  the  garden.  At  the 
end  of  a  week  I  was  despatched  by  road  to  the  capi- 
tal to  appear  there  before  the  examining  committee 
of  the  department  of  birth. 


XIII:  IN  THE  CAPITAL 

As  luck  would  have  it  my  guardian  on  the  long  jour- 
ney by  road  —  for  motor-cars  had  not  been  re- 
nounced —  was  a  little  chatterbox  of  a  woman,  who 
coquetted  with  me  in  the  innocent  and  provocative 
manner  of  the  born  flirt.  She  meant  no  harm  by  it, 
but  could  not  control  her  eyes  and  gestures.  I  en- 
couraged her  to  make  her  talk,  and  she  told  me  it 
would  have  gone  hardly  with  me  but  that  the  medi- 


GYNECOLOGIA  143 

cal  superintendent  had  been  passing  by  the  gate  of 
the  nunnery  as  I  was  thrust  in.  But  for  her  I  should 
have  been  condemned  to  work  in  the  sewers  or  to  sell 
stamps  in  the  post  office,  menial  work  reserved  for 
criminals,  for  the  authorities  were  becoming  exas- 
perated with  the  agitation  for  the  rights  of  men. 
The  outlaws  no  one  minded.  They  inhabited  the 
ruined  cities  and  sooner  or  later  would  be  starved 
out.  It  was  absurd  to  expect  the  new  society  to  be 
rid  altogether  of  the  pests  which  had  plagued  the 
old,  but  every  reasonable  woman  was  determined 
that  for  generations  men  should  not  enjoy  the  rights 
which  they  had  so  wantonly  abused. 

u  But,"  I  said,  "  men  never  claimed  rights." 

"  No,"  answered  my  coquette,  "  they  stole  them 
when  we  were  not  looking.  They  insisted  that  we 
should  all  be  mothers,  so  that  we  should  be  too  busy 
to  keep  them  out  of  mischief." 

"  My  dear  child,"  said  I,  "  it  is  the  women  who 
have  kept  us  in  mischief." 

"  No  one  can  say,"  she  replied,  "  that  we  do  not 
keep  you  out  of  it  now."  And  she  gave  me  one  of 
those  arch  involuntary  invitations  which  have  before 
now  been  the  undoing  of  Empires.  I  could  not  re- 
sist it.  I  seized  her  in  my  arms  and  kissed  her  full 
on  the  lips. 

I  half  expected  her  to  stop  the  car  and  denounce 
me,  but  when  she  had  made  sure  that  the  girl  driving 


144  WINDMILLS 

had  not  seen  she  was  undisturbed  and  remarked  with 
a  charming  smile : 

"  Some  foreign  ways  are  rather  pretty." 

I  repeated  the  offence,  and  by  the  journey's  end  we 
were  very  good  friends  and  understood  each  other 
extremely  well.  She  agreed  with  me  when  I  said 
that  all  forms  of  society  were  dependent  upon  a  lot 
of  solemn  humbug.  She  said  yes,  and  she  expected 
that  before  she  had  done  she  would  be  put  upon  her 
trial.  I  did  not  then  understand  her  meaning,  for 
we  parted  at  the  door  of  a  large  house,  where  she 
was  given  a  receipt  for  me.  She  saluted  me,  the 
dear  little  trousered  flirt,  by  putting  her  finger  to  her 
lips  as  the  car  drove  off. 

There  were  no  women  in  that  house.  Its  inhab- 
itants were  a  number  of  young  men  like  myself,  all 
superb  in  physique  and  many  of  them  extremely 
handsome,  but  they  were  all  gloomy  and  depressed. 
I  was  right  in  guessing  them  to  be  other  candidates 
for  fatherhood.  They  were  guarded  and  served  by 
very  old  men  in  long  robes  like  tea-gowns.  Horri- 
ble old  creatures  they  were,  like  wicked  midwives 
who  vary  their  habit  of  bringing  human  beings  into 
the  world  by  preparing  their  dead  bodies  to  leave 
it.  But  the  young  men  were  hardly  any  better: 
they  were  dull,  stupid,  and  listless,  and  their  conver- 
sation was  obscene.  I 

We  had  to  spend  our  time  in  physical  exercise,  in 


GYNECOLOGIA  145 

taking  baths  and  anointing  our  bodies  with  unguents 
and  perfumes.  We  were  decked  out  in  beautiful 
clothes.  Embroidered  coats  and  white  linen  kilts. 
In  the  evenings  there  were  lectures  on  physiology, 
and  we  were  made  to  chant  a  poetical  passage  from 
the  works  of  William  Christmas,  a  description  of  the 
glory  of  the  bridegroom,  of  which  I  remember  noth- 
ing except  an  offensive  comparison  with  a  stallion. 

The  humiliation  was  terrible,  and  when  I  remem- 
bered the  superintendent  speaking  of  "  the  mothers 
of  my  children  "  I  was  seized  with  a  nausea  which  I 
could  not  shake  off,  until,  two  days  after  my  arrival, 
an  epidemic  of  suicide  among  the  candidates  hor- 
rified me  into  a  wholesome  reaction  against  my  sur- 
roundings. I  found  it  hard  to  account  for  the  epi- 
demic until  I  noticed  the  coincidence  of  the  disap- 
pearance of  the  most  comely  of  the  young  men  with 
the  periodic  visits  of  the  high  officials.  This 
pointed,  though  at  first  I  refused  to  believe  it,  to  the 
vilest  abuse  of  the  system  set  up  by  the  women  in 
their  pathetic  attempt  to  solve  the  problem  of  popu- 
lation scientifically.  Far,  far  better  were  it  had 
they  been  content  with  their  refusal  to  bear  children 
and  to  impose  chastity  upon  all  without  exception, 
and  to  let  the  race  perish.  Must  the  stronger  sex 
always  seek  to  degrade  the  weaker?  My  experi- 
ence in  that  house  filled  me  with  an  ungovernable 
hatred  of  women.  The  sight  of  them  with  the  ab- 


146  WINDMILLS 

surdities  of  their  bodies  accentuated  by  the  trousered 
costumes  they  had  elected  to  adopt  filled  me  with 
scorn  and  bitter  merriment.  The  smell  of  them,  to 
which  in  my  hatred  I  became  morbidly  sensitive, 
made  me  sick.  The  sound  of  their  voices  set  my 
teeth  on  edge. 

Such  was  my  condition  when,  after  three  weeks' 
training,  I  was  called  before  the  examination  com- 
mittee. 


XIV:  THE  EXAMINATION 

NOTHING  in  all  my  strange  experiences  astonished 
me  so  much  as  the  lack  of  ceremony  in  this  matter  of 
fatherhood.  It  was  approached  with  a  brutal  dis- 
interestedness, a  cynical  disregard  of  feeling  equalled 
only  by  men  of  pleasure  in  other  countries.  I  was 
filled  with  rage  when  I  was  introduced  to  the  com- 
mittee of  middle-aged  and  elderly  women  and  ex- 
posed to  their  cold  scrutiny.  First  of  all  I  was  told 
to  stand  at  the  end  of  the  hall  and  repeat  the  poem 
of  William  Christmas.  I  had  been  made  to  get  it  by 
heart,  but  in  my  distress  I  substituted  the  word  Ram 
for  the  word  Stallion.  The  chairwoman  rapped 
angrily  on  the  table. 

"  Why  do  you  say  Ram  for  Stallion?  " 


GYNECOLOGIA  147 

"I  replied:  "Because  it  more  aptly  describes 
my  condition.  There  is  nobility  in  the  stallion,  but 
the  ram  is  a  foolish  beast." 

There  was  a  consultation,  after  which  the  chair- 
woman bade  me  approach  and  said: 

"  Your  medical  report  is  excellent  but  we  are 
afraid  you  lack  mental  simplicity.  You  are  an  edu- 
cated man." 

"  I  am  an  American  citizen,"  I  replied  proudly, 
"  and  I  protest  against  the  treatment  to  which  I  have 
been  subjected." 

"  We  know  nothing  of  that,"  retorted  the  chair- 
woman. "  You  are  before  us  as  L.D.  8150,  recom- 
mended for  paternal  duties  and,  if  passed,  to  be  en- 
tered in  the  stud-book.  Your  record  since  you  have 
been  in  the  country  is  a  bad  one,  but  points  to  the 
possession  of  a  spirit  which  for  our  purposes  may  be 
valuable." 

I  said:  "  You  may  call  me  what  you  like;  you 
may  register  me  in  any  book  you  please,  send  me 
where  you  choose,  but  I  am  a  married  man  and  will 
not  oblige  you." 

Then  a  fury  seized  me  and  I  shouted : 

"  Can  you  not  see  that  you  are  driving  your  peo- 
ple into  madness  or  disaster,  that  you  will  soon  be 
plunged  again  into  barbarism,  that  your  science  is  de- 
stroying the  very  spirit  of  civilisation?  I  tell  you 
that  even  now,  as  you  work  and  plan  and  arrange, 


148  WINDMILLS 

there  is  growing  a  revolt  against  you,  a  revolt  so 
strong  that  it  will  ignore  you,  as  life  in  the  end  ig- 
nores those  who  would  measure  it  with  a  silver  rod." 
The  chairwoman  smiled  as  she  rejoined: 
"  Those  are  almost  identically  the  words  I  ad- 
dressed to  the  late  Prime  Minister  of  Fatland  when, 
after  thirty  years  of  prevarication,  he  was  persuaded 
to  receive  a  deputation.  I  am  afraid  we  must  reject 
you  as  a  candidate  for  the  duties  for  which  you  have 
been  trained.  In  the  ordinary  course  you  would  be 
put  upon  your  trial  and  committed  to  a  severe  cross- 
examination,  an  art  which  has  been  raised  by  us  to 
the  pitch  of  perfection.  As  it  is,  we  are  satisfied 
that  you  are  labouring  under  the  disadvantage  of 
contamination  from  a  man-governed  society  and  are 
probably  not  guilty  of  the  usual  offences  which  ren- 
der candidates  unfit.  We  therefore  condemn  you  as 
a  man  of  genius,  and  order  you  to  be  interned  in  the 
suburb  set  apart  for  that  class." 

I  bowed  to  cover  my  amazement,  a  bell  was  rung, 
and  I  was  conducted  forth.  Outside,  meeting  an- 
other candidate,  green  with  nervousness,  I  told  him 
I  had  been  rejected,  whereupon  he  plucked  up  cour- 
age and  asked  me  how  I  had  managed  it.  I  told 
him  to  say  Billy-Goat  instead  of  Stallion. 


GYNECOLOGIA  149 


XV:  MEN  OF  GENIUS 

I  HAD  not  then  met  Hohlenheim  and  did  not  know 
what  a  man  of  genius  was,  and  for  genius  I  still  had 
a  superstitious  reverence.  Before  I  left  the  com- 
mittee hall  I  was  given  a  coloured  ribbon  to  wear 
across  my  breast  and  a  brass  button  to  pin  into  my 
hat.  On  the  button  was  printed  M.G.  1231. 
What!  said  I  to  myself,  Over  a  thousand  men  of 
genius  in  the  country!  never  dreaming  that  some  of 
them  might  be  of  the  same  kind  as  myself,  so  obsti- 
nate are  superstitions  and  so  completely  do  they  hide 
the  obvious. 

As  I  passed  through  the  streets  of  the  capital  I 
found  that  I  was  the  object  of  amused  contemptuous 
glances  from  the  women,  who  walked  busily  and  pur- 
posefully along.  There  were  no  shops  in  the  streets, 
which  were  bordered  with  trees  and  gardens  and 
seemed  to  be  very  well  and  skilfully  laid  out.  I  was 
free  to  go  where  I  liked,  or  I  thought  I  was,  and  I 
determined  not  to  go  to  the  suburb,  but  to  find  a 
lodging  where  I  could  for  a  while  keep  out  of  trouble 
and  at  my  leisure  discover  some  means  of  getting 
out  of  the  abominable  country.  Coming  on  what 
looked  like  an  eating-house,  I  entered  the  folding 
doors,  but  was  immediately  ejected  by  a  diminutive 


150  WINDMILLS 

portress.  When  I  explained  that  I  was  hungry  she 
told  me  to  go  home. 

I  was  equally  unfortunate  at  other  places,  and  at 
last  put  their  unkind  receptions  down  to  my  badges. 
Is  this,  I  thought,  how  they  treat  their  men  of 
genius?  My  applications  for  lodgings  were  no  more 
prosperous,  and  I  was  preparing  to  sleep  in  the 
streets  when  I  met  an  enormously  fat  man  wearing 
a  ribbon  and  button  like  my  own.  He  hailed  me  as 
a  comrade,  flung  his  arm  round  my  shoulder  and 
said:  "The  cold  winds  of  misfortune  may  blow 
through  an  aeolian  harp,  but  they  make  music.  Ah ! 
Divine  music,  in  paint,  in  stone,  in  words,  and  many 
other  different  materrials."  "  I  beg  your  pardon," 
said  I,  "  but  the  wind  of  misfortune  is  blowing  an  in- 
fernal hunger  through  my  ribs,  and  I  should  be 
obliged  if  you  will  lead  me  to  a  place  where  I  can  be 
fed."  "  Gladly,  gladly.  We  immortals,  living  and 
dead,  are  brothers."  So  saying  he  led  me  through 
a  couple  of  gardens  until  we  came  to  a  village  of 
little  red  houses  set  round  a  green,  in  the  center  of 
which  was  a  statue.  "  Christmas !  "  I  cried. 
"  Christmas  it  is,"  said  my  guide,  "  the  only  statue 
left  in  the  country,  save  in  our  little  community, 
where  the  rule  is,  Every  man  his  own  statue." 

Community  within  community!  This  society  in 
which  I  was  floundering  was  like  an  Indian  puzzle- 
box  which  you  open  and  open  until  you  come  to 


GYNECOLOGIA 

a  little  piece  of  cane  like  a  slice  of  a  dried  pea. 

However,  I  was  too  hungry  to  pursue  reflection 
any  further  and  without  more  words  followed  my 
companion  into  one  of  the  little  red  houses,  where 
for  the  first  time  for  many  months  I  was  face  to  face 
with  a  right  good  meal.  Here  at  any  rate  were  sen- 
sible people  who  had  not  forgotten  that  a  man's  first 
obligation  is  to  his  stomach.  I  ate  feverishly  and 
paid  no  heed  to  my  companions  at  table,  two  little 
gentlemen  whom  at  home  I  would  have  taken  for 
elderly  store-clerks.  When  at  last  I  spoke,  one  of 
the  little  gentlemen  was  very  excited  to  discover  that 
I  was  an  American.  "  Can  you  tell  me,"  he  said, 
"  can  you  tell  me  who  are  now  the  best  sellers?  " 

"  What,"  I  asked,  "  are  they?  " 

They  looked  at  each  other  in  dismay. 

"  We  were  best  sellers,"  they  cried  in  chorus. 

After  the  meal  they  brought  out  volumes  of  cut- 
tings from  the  American  newspapers,  and  I  recog- 
nised the  names  of  men  who  had  in  their  works 
brought  tears  to  my  eyes  and  a  smile  to  my  lips. 

"  Do  I  behold,"  I  said,  "  the  authors  of  those  de- 
lightful books  which  have  made  life  sweeter  for 
thousands?  " 

They  hung  their  heads  modestly,  each  apparently 
expecting  the  other  to  speak.  At  last  my  fat  friend 
said: 

"  Brothers,  we  will  have  a  bottle  of  port  on  this." 


WINDMILLS 

The  port  was  already  decanted  and  ready  to  his 
hand.  Over  it  they  poured  out  their  woes.  Publi- 
cation had  stopped  in  Fatland.  There  was  no  pub- 
lic, and  the  public  of  America  had  been  made  inacces- 
sible. How  can  a  man  write  a  book  without  a  pub- 
lic? It  would  be  sheer  waste  of  his  genius.  When 
a  man  has  been  paid  two  hundred  dollars  for  a  story 
he  could  not  be  expected  to  work  for  less,  could  he  ? 
I  supposed  not,  and  the  little  man  with  the  long  hair 
and  pointed  Elizabethean  beard  cried  hysterically: 

"  But  these  women,  these  harpies,  expect  us  to 
work  for  their  bits  of  paper,  their  drafts  on  their 
miserable  stores.  When  they  drew  up  their  con- 
founded statutes  they  admitted  genius :  they  acknowl- 
edged that  we  should  be  useless  on  farms  or  in  fac- 
tories. They  allowed  us  this,  the  once-famous  gar- 
den suburb,  for  our  residence  and  retreat,  but  they 
made  us  work  —  work  —  us,  the  dreamers  of 
dreams !  But  what  work?  The  sweet  fruits  of  our 
inspiration?  No.  We  have  been  set  to  edit  the 
works  of  William  Christmas,  to  write  the  biography 
of  William  Christmas,  to  prepare  the  sayings  of 
William  Christmas  for  the  young.  No  Christmas, 
no  dinner,  and  there  you  are.  Is  such  a  life  toler- 
able?" 

"  Nol  "  cried  the  fat  man. 

'  What  is  more,"  continued  the  indignant  one, 
"  we  are  asked  to  dwell  among  nincompoops  who 


GYNECOLOGIA 

have  never  had  and  never  could  have  any  reputation, 
young  men  who  used  to  insult  us  in  the  newspapers, 
cranks  and  faddists  who  have  never  reached  the 
heart  of  the  great  public  and  are  jealous  of  those 
who  have.  And  these  men  are  set  to  work  with  us 
in  our  drudgery,  and  they  are  paid  exactly  at  the 
same  rate.  Fortunately  many  of  them  waste  their 
time  in  writing  poetry  and  drama  while  we  do  their 
work  and  make  them  pay  in  contributions  to  our 
table.  Pass  the  port,  brother." 

They  spent  the  evening  reading  aloud  from  their 
volumes  of  press  cuttings,  living  in  the  glorious  past, 
while  they  appealed  to  me  every  now  and  then  for 
news  of  the  publishing  world  in  America.  I  in- 
vented the  names  of  best  sellers  and  made  my  hosts' 
mouths  water  over  the  prices  I  alleged  to  be  then 
current.  They  were  so  pleased  with  me  that  they 
pressed  me  to  stay  with  them  and  to  work  on  the  new 
Concordance  of  Christmas. 


XVI:  REVOLUTION 

WORK  on  the  Index,  I  soon  found,  meant  preparing 
the  whole  mighty  undertaking,  while  my  three  men 
of  genius  smoked,  ate,  drank,  slept,  talked,  and  went 
a-strolling  in  the  capital.  There  was  this  advantage 
about  being  a  man  of  genius  that  I  was  free  to  come 


WINDMILLS 

and  go  as  and  when  I  liked,  though  I  was  everywhere 
scoffed  at  and  treated  with  good-humoured  scorn.  I 
was  always  liable  to  insult  at  the  hands  of  the  high- 
spirited  young  women  of  the  capital  who  held  places 
in  the  Government  offices  and  had  acquired  the  inso- 
lent manners  of  a  ruling  class.  However,  I  soon 
learned  to  recognise  the  type  and  to  avoid  an  en- 
counter, though  my  poor  old  friends  often  came 
home  black  and  blue. 

There  was  a  great  deal  more  sense  in  Christmas 
than  I  had  at  first  supposed,  and,  as  I  progressed 
with  my  work,  I  saw  that  what  he  meant  was  very 
near  what  Edmund  and  his  father  had  been  at, 
namely,  that  men  and  women,  if  only  they  set  about 
it  the  right  way,  can  find  in  each  other  the  interest, 
amusement,  and  imaginative  zest  to  dispel  the  bore- 
dom which  is  alone  responsible  for  social  calamities. 
His  appeal  had  been  to  men,  but  he  had  only  reached 
the  ears  of  women,  anad  they  had  hopelessly  mis- 
understood him.  They  had  expected  him  to  have  a 
new  message  and  had  taken  his  old  wisdom  for  nov- 
elty by  identifying  it  with  his  personality.  He  had 
not  taken  the  precaution  to  placate  the  men  of  genius 
of  his  time.  Without  a  marketable  reputation  they 
could  not  recognise  him.  They  refused  to  acknowl- 
edge him  and  drove  him  into  the  strange  courses 
which  made  him  seem  to  the  nerve-ridden  women  of 


GYNECOLOGIA 

the  country  new,  fresh,  and  Heaven-sent.  Cer- 
tainly he  had  genius,  as  my  professional  men  of 
genius  had  it  not,  and  it  came  into  too  direct  a  con- 
tact with  the  public  mind.  The  smouldering  indig- 
nation of  ages  burst  into  flame.  More  and  more  as 
I  worked  I  was  filled  with  respect  for  this  idealist 
and  with  pity  for  the  human  beings  who  had  fol- 
lowed him  to  their  undoing.  His  insight  was  re- 
markable, and  I  made  a  collection  of  his  works  to 
take  back  with  me  to  America,  if  I  should  ever  go 
there. 

I  stayed  in  the  Suburb  of  Genius  for  a  couple  of 
years,  very  pleased  to  be  away  from  the  women,  and 
among  people  many  of  whom  were  amusing.  There 
were  painters  and  sculptors,  who  spent  their  time 
making  Christmas  portraits  and  effigies,  cursing 
like  sailors  as  they  worked.  Very  good  company 
some  of  these  men,  and  most  ingenious  in  their  shifts 
and  devices  to  dodge  the  rules  and  regulations  with 
which  they  were  hemmed  in.  Some  of  them  had 
smuggled  women  into  their  houses  and  lived  in  a 
very  charming  domesticity.  I  envied  them  and  was 
filled  with  longing  for  my  home. 

One  day  as  I  was  at  my  work  I  came  on  an  unpub- 
lished manuscript  of  Christmas.  It  contained  a 
poem  which  I  liked  and  a  saying  which  fired  me. 
This  was  the  poem: 


156  WINDMILLS 

"  The  woman's  spirit  kindles  man's  desire, 
And  both  are  burned  up  by  a  quenchless  fire. 
Let  but  the  woman  set  her  spirit  free, 
Then  it  is  man's  unto  eternity. 
It  is  a  world  within  his  hands,  and  there 
They  two  may  dwell  encircled  in  a  square." 

I  could  never  quite  make  sense  of  it,  but  it  seized 
my  imagination  as  nonsense  sometimes  will,  and  pre- 
pared it  for  the  convulsion  which  was  to  happen. 

This  was  the  saying : 

"  There  will  come  one  after  me  who  shall  build 
where  I  have  destroyed,  and  he  shall  capture  the 
flame  wherewith  I  have  burned  away  the  dying 
thoughts  of  men." 

The  words  haunted  me.  They  were  in  none  of 
the  Christmas  books,  nor  in  the  biography.  I  in- 
serted it  in  the  Concordance  and  in  a  new  edition  of 
the  Speeches,  on  my  own  responsibility  and  without 
saying  a  word  to  my  employers.  There  might  or 
might  not  be  trouble,  but  I  knew  that  the  Chairwo- 
man of  the  Governing  Committee  was  a  vain  old 
creature  and  would  take  the  words  to  mean  herself. 
To  my  mind  they  pointed  straight  to  Edmund.  I 
knew  that  his  cause  was  gaining  ground  and  that,  if 
I  could  gain  sufficient  publicity  for  the  saying,  his 
following  would  be  vastly  increased. 

I  was  on  good  terms  with  the  chief  of  the  publish- 
ing department  and  was  able  to  persuade  her  to  an- 
nounce that  the  new  edition  of  the  Speeches  was  the 


GYNECOLOGIA  ItJ7 

only  one  authorised  by  the  Governing  Committee; 
all  others  to  be  called  in.  The  success  of  my  trick 
exceeded  all  my  dreams.  There  was  something  like 
an  exodus  from  the  capital. 

I  met  my  dear  Audrey  one  day.  She  had  come  to 
spy  out  the  land.  Her  news  was  glorious.  For 
miles  round  the  once  ruined  city  the  farms  were  oc- 
cupied with  happy  men  and  women  working  together 
to  supply  food  for  the  towns,  which  in  return  fur- 
nished their  wants  from  its  workshops,  which  the 
toilers  filled  with  song  as  they  worked.  The  fame 
of  it  was  everywhere  growing.  Other  ruined  cities 
had  been  occupied.  Two  of  the  great  nunneries 
were  deserted.  Edmund  with  a  great  company  of 
young  men  had  taken  possession  of  a  town  by  the 
sea  and  opened  the  harbour  and  released  the  ships. 

"  Ships !  "  I  said.  "  There  are  ships  sailing  on 
the  sea !  " 

That  settled  it.  No  more  men  of  genius  for  me. 
That  night  I  spent  in  chalking  up  the  saying  of  Wil- 
liam Christmas  on  the  walls  of  the  capital.  The 
next  morning  I  was  with  Audrey  wandering  about 
the  streets,  hearing  Edmund's  name  on  all  lips,  and 
then,  satisfied  that  all  would  be  well,  I  made  for  the 
sea-board. 

It  was  good  to  see  America  again,  but  I  suffered 
there  as  acutely  as  I  had  done  in  Fatland.  I  had 
been  among  women  who,  if  misguided,  were  free. 


158  WINDMILLS 

My  dear  wife  and  I  could  never  understand  one  an- 
other and  she  died  within  a  very  few  years  after  my 
return  of  a  broken  heart.  I  thought  I  could  not  sur- 
vive her,  and  should  not  have  done  but  for  my  fortu- 
nate encounter  with  Hohlenheim,  who  could  under- 
stand my  loathing  of  woman  in  Fatland,  of  man  in 
America,  draw  it  up  into  his  own  matchless  imagina- 
tion and  distil  the  passion  of  it  into  beauty. 


Out  of  Work 


I:  MR.  ELY'S  HEART  BREAKS 

IN  a  little  house,  one  of  many  such  houses,  in  a  town, 
one  of  many  such  towns  in  Fatland,  sat  Nicholas  Ely, 
a  small  stationer  and  newsagent,  by  the  bedside  of 
his  wife.  She  said:  "Ain't  I  thin,  Nick?"  and 
again  she  said:  "  My  hair  is  only  half  what  it 
was."  And  he  said:  "It's  very  pretty  hair." 
She  smiled  and  took  his  hand  in  hers  and  she  died. 
When  Nicholas  Ely  was  quite  sure  that  she  was 
dead,  when  he  could  believe  that  she  was  dead,  he 
did  not  weep,  for  there  were  no  tears  in  his  eyes. 
He  said  nothing,  for  there  were  no  words  in  his 
mind.  He  felt  nothing,  for  his  heart  was  breaking, 
and  so  little  was  he  alive  that  he  did  not  know  it. 
His  wife  was  dead,  his  two  children  were  dead,  his 
shop  was  closed,  and  he  had  two  shillings  in  the 
world,  and  they  were  borrowed. 

He  went  out  into  the  street  and  when  he  saw  a 
well-fed  man  he  hated  him :  and  when  he  saw  a  thin 
hungry  man  he  despised  him;  on  returning  to  his 
house  he  found  there  a  Doctor  and  a  Parson.  The 
Doctor  said  his  wife  had  died  of  something  with  two 

long  Latin  names. 

161 


162  WINDMILLS 

"  She  starved,"  said  Nicholas  Ely. 

The  Parson  said  something  about  the  will  and  the 
love  of  God. 

"  The  devil's  took  her,"  said  Nicholas  B-ly. 

The  Parson  cast  up  his  eyes  and  exhorted  the 
blasphemer  to  seek  comfort  in  duty  and  distraction 
in  hard  work. 

"I'm  out  of  work,"  said  Nicholas  Ely;  "the 
devil's  took  my  work  and  my  wife  and  my  two  chil- 
dren. Hell's  full  up  and  overflowed  into  this  'ere 
town  and  this  'ere  street.  We  must  fight  the  devil 
with  fire  and  bloody  murders." 

The  Parson  and  the  Doctor  agreed  that  the  poor 
fellow  was  mad. 


II:  MR.  ELY  IS  IMPRISONED 

NICHOLAS  ELY'S  stomach  was  full  of  emptiness,  the 
heat  of  his  blood  parched  his  brains,  and  his  sleep 
was  crowded  with  huddling  bad  dreams.  He  ate 
crusts  and  cabbage  stalks  picked  up  out  of  the  gut- 
ter, and  when  he  was  near  mad  with  thirst  he 
snatched  beer  jugs  from  children  as  they  turned 
into  the  entries  leading  to  their  houses.  His  days 
he  spent  looking  for  the  devil.  Three  nights  he 
spent  moving  from  one  square  with  seats  round  it  to 
another,  and  on  the  fourth  night  he  heard  of  a  brick- 


OUTOFWORK  163 

field  where  there  was  some  warmth.  He  slept  there 
that  night  and  was  arrested.  The  magistrate  said: 

"  I  am  satisfied  that  you  are  a  thoroughly  worth- 
less character,  an  incurable  vagabond,  and  if  not  yet 
a  danger,  a  nuisance  to  society.  .  .  ." 

(The  magistrate  said  a  great  deal  more.  He  was 
newly  appointed  and  needed  to  persuade  himself  of 
his  dignity  by  talk.) 

Nicholas  Ely  was  sent  to  prison. 


Ill:  THE  DARK  GENTLEMAN 

WHEN  he  left  the  prison  Nicholas  Ely  realised  that 
he  had  legs  to  walk  with  but  nowhere  to  go,  hands 
to  work  with  but  nothing  to  do,  a  brain  to  think  with 
but  never  a  thought.  He  was  almost  startled  to 
find  himself  utterly  alone,  and  his  loneliness  drove 
him  into  a  hot  rage.  In  prison  he  had  thought 
vaguely  of  the  world  as  a  warm  place  outside,  to 
which  in  the  course  of  days  he  would  return.  Now 
that  he  had  returned  the  world  had  nothing  to  do 
with  him  and  he  had  nothing  to  do  with  it.  He 
prowled  through  the  streets,  but  a  sort  of  pride  for- 
bade him  to  eat  the  cabbage  stalks  and  crusts  of  the 
gutters,  and  to  rob  children  of  their  parents'  beer 
he  was  ashamed.  He  looked  for  work,  but  was 
everywhere  refused,  and  he  said  to  himself: 


164  WINDMILLS 

"  Prison  is  the  best  the  world  can  do  for  men  like 


me." 


But  he  was  determined  to  give  the  world  a  better 
reason  for  putting  him  in  prison  than  sleeping  in  a 
brick-field  because  it  was  warm.  The  world  was 
cold.  He  would  make  it  warm.  The  devil  was  in 
the  world:  he  would  burn  him  out,  use  his  own  ele- 
ment against  him. 

He  chose  the  largest  timber-yard  he  could  find, 
and  that  night  he  stole  a  can  of  petrol,  and  when  he 
had  placed  it  in  a  heap  of  shavings  went  out  into  the 
street  to  find  some  matches.  He  met  a  seedy  indi- 
vidual in  a  coat  with  a  fur  collar  and  a  broad- 
brimmed  hat,  who  looked  like  an  actor,  and  he  asked 
him  if  he  could  oblige  him  with  a  match. 

"  Lucifers,"  said  the  seedy  individual  and  gave 
him  three. 

Nicholas  Ely  returned  to  the  timber-yard  with  the 
matches.  He  struck  one.  It  went  off  like  a  rocket. 
The  second  exploded  like  a  Chinese  cracker,  and  he 
was  just  lighting  the  third  when  he  heard  a  melan- 
choly chuckle.  He  turned  his  head  and  found  the 
seedy  individual  gazing  at  him  with  an  expression  of 
wistfulness. 

"  Like  old  times,"  said  the  seedy  individual. 

Nicholas  Ely  lit  the  third  match  and  it  flooded  the 
whole  yard  with  Bengal  light,  and  still  he  had  not  set 
fire  to  his  petrol. 


OUT    OF    WO 

"  Gimme    another   match,"    * 
"  watch  me  set  fire  to  the  yard  ai 

"  I     have     no     more,"     rep' 
"  Those  were  my  last.     I  no  lont 
struments  of  fire.     No  one  wants  m> 
lost  everything  and  am  doomed." 

"  I  have  lost  my  wife,  my  children  and  m^  .. 

"  I  have  lost  my  kingdom,  my  power  and  n 
glory." 

"  The  devil  took  them,"  answered  Nicholas  Ely. 

"  I  wish  I  had,"  replied  the  stranger. 


IV:  THE  DARK  GENTLEMAN'S  STORY 

NICHOLAS  ELY  fetched  a  screech  loud  enough  to 
wake  a  whole  parish.  The  dark  gentleman  pounced 
on  him  firmly  and  gagged  him  with  his  hand,  and  his 
fingers  burnt  into  the  newsagent's  cheek. 

"  Be  silent,"  said  the  dark  gentleman,  "  you'll 
have  them  coming  and  taking  you  away  from  me. 
Will  you  be  silent?  " 

Nicholas  Ely  nodded  to  say  he  would  be  silent. 
Then  he  said : 

"  If  you  didn't  take  them,  who  did?  " 

"Jah!"  said  the  devil,  for  the  dark  gentleman 
was  no  other.  "  Jah  took  them.  Jah  does  every- 


WINDMILLS 

I  am  forced  to  the  conclusion  that 
d  everything  going  on  much  the 
/  it  would  be.     I  knew  he  would 
ealing  with  virtuous  people.     It 
I  was  deposed  without  any  no- 
,  middle  of  the  busiest  time  I'd  had  for 
I  have  had  a  horrible  time.     No  one  be- 
>cd  in  me.     For  years  now  I  have  only  been  used 
.o  frighten  children,  and  have  occasionally  been  al- 
lowed to  slip  into  their  dreams.     You  must  agree 
that  it  is  galling  for  one  who  has  lived  on  the  fat  of 
human  faith  —  for  in  the  good  old  days  I  had  far 
more  souls  than  Jah.     I  haven't  been  in  a  grown 
man's  mind  for  years  until  I  found  yours  open  to 
me." 

"  I  don't  know  about  that,"  said  Nicholas  Ely. 
"  I  want  my  wife.  I  want  my  two  children.  I 
want  my  work." 

"  Anything  may  be  possible  if  you  will  believe  in 


me." 


"  I'll  believe  in  anything,  I'd  go  to  Hell  if  I  could 
get  them  back." 

"  There  is  no  Hell,"  said  the  devil. 


OUTOFWORK  167 


V:  COGITATION 

THIS  was  a  little  difficult  for  Nicholas  Ely.  For  a 
long  time  they  sat  brooding  in  the  darkness  of  the 
timber-yard.  Then  said  Nicholas  Ely: 

"  Seeing's  believing.  I  see  you.  I  believe  m  you. 
You're  the  first  critter  that's  spoke  to  me  honest  and 
kindly  this  many  a  long  day.  You  seem  to  be  worse 
off  than  I  am.  We're  mates." 

'  Thank  you,"  said  the  devil.  "  In  the  old  days 
I  used  to  offer  those  who  believed  in  me  women, 
wine,  song  and  riches.  But  now  we  shall  have  to  see 
what  we  can  do." 

"  I  want  to  spite  that  there  Jah." 

"  We  will  do  our  best,"  said  the  devil. 

With  that  they  rose  to  their  feet,  and  as  they  left 
the  timber-yard  the  devil  shook  a  spark  out  of  his 
tail  on  to  the  petrol,  so  that  they  had  not  gone  above 
a  mile  when-  the  wood  was  ablaze  and  they  could  see 
the  red  glow  of  the  fire  against  the  sky. 


VI:  CONFLAGRATION 

GLEEFULLY  the  devil  took  Mr.  Ely  back  to  watch 
the  blaze,  and  they  were  huddled  and  squeezed  and 


168  WINDMILLS 

pressed  in  the  crowd.     A  fat  woman  took  a  f ancy  to 
the  devil  and  put  her  arm  round  his  waist. 
"  Where  are  you  living,  old  dear?  "  she  said. 
"  You  leave  my  pal  alone,"  said  Nicholas  Ely. 
But  the  devil  gave  her  a  smacking  kiss,  and  she 
slapped  his  face  and  giggled,  saying: 

"  Geeh!     That  was  a  warm  one  that  was." 
And  she  persisted  until  the  devil  had  confessed 
his  name  to  be  Mr.  Nicodemus.     Then  she  said  she 
had  a  snug  little  room  in  her  house  which  he  could 
have  —  his  pal  too  if  they  were  not  to  be  separated. 
Mr.  Ely  demurred,  but  Mr.  Nicodemus  said: 
"  You  can  only  get  at  Jah  through  the  women." 
So  they  pursued  the  adventure  and  went  home 
with  the  fat  woman,  but  when  she  reached  her  par- 
lour she  plumped  down  on  her  knees  and  said  her 
prayers,  and  the  devil  vanished,  and  she  was  so  en- 
raged that  she  swept  Nicholas  Ely  out  with  her 
broom.     He  hammered  on  her  door  and  told  her 
why  his  friend  had  vanished,  and  that  if  she  would 
say  her  prayers  backward  he  would  return.     She 
said  her  prayers  backwards  and  Mr.  Nicodemus  re- 
turned. 


OUTOFWORK  169 


VII:  TIB  STREET 

THE  fat  woman's  name  was  Mrs.  Martin,  and  when 
she  found  that  her  beloved  had  a  tail  she  was  not  at 
all  put  out,  but  to  avoid  scandal,  cut  it  off. 

All  the  same  there  was  a  scandal,  for  the  fascina- 
tion of  Mr.  Nicodemus  was  irresistible,  and  the 
house  was  always  full  of  women,  and  whenever  he 
went  out  he  was  followed  by  a  herd  of  them.  Mrs. 
Martin  was  jealous,  Mr.  Ely  sulked  and  Mr.  Nic- 
odemus had  a  busy  time  placating  indignant  hus- 
bands and  lovers.  Not  a  house  in  Tib  street  but 
was  in  a  state  of  upheaval.  The  men  sought  conso- 
lation in  drink,  and  presently  there  was  hardly  one 
who  had  retained  his  work. 

"  We  are  getting  on,"  said  Mr.  Nicodemus. 
"  We  are  getting  on.  In  the  good  old  times  men 
left  their  work  to  follow  me,  and  it  used  to  be  a  fa- 
vourite device  of  mine  to  make  their  work  seem  so 
repulsive  to  them  that  they  preferred  thieving  or 
fighting  or  even  suffering  to  it.  If  we  end  as  we 
have  begun,  then  Jah  will  be  as  isolated  as  you  and 
I  have  been." 

And  he  chuckled  in  triumph  and  bussed  Mrs.  Mar- 
tin. 

"That,"  said  she,  "  reminds  me  of  Martin;  and 


170  WINDMILLS 

he  was  a  oner,  he  was.  That's  worth  anything  to 
me." 

With  that  the  good  creature  bustled  off  to  arrange 
for  a  week's  charing  to  keep  her  lodgers  in  food. 

Shortlived,  however  was  the  triumph  of  Mr. 
Nicodemus,  for,  with  the  women  neglecting  their 
homes  and  the  men  their  work,  the  children  sickened 
and  died,  and  no  day  passed  but  two  or  three  little 
coffins  were  taken  to  the  cemetery.  And  in  their 
grief  the  women  remembered  Jah,  and  went  to 
church  to  appease  His  wrath.  The  men  were  so- 
bered and  returned  to  work,  but  at  wages  punitively 
reduced,  so  that  their  last  state  was  worse  than  their 
first,  for  the  women  were  now  devoted  to  Jah  and 
the  children  were  empty  and  their  bellies  were 
pinched. 

Nicholas  Ely  cursed  Jah.  The  sight  of  the  little 
coffins  being  taken  out  of  Tib  Street  reminded  him 
of  his  own  children  and  he  went  near  mad  and 
vowed  that  Jah  was  taking  them  because  He  was  a 
jealous  God,  one  who  had  taken  Hell  from  the  devil 
and  their  children  from  men  in  the  purblindness  of 
His  fury. 

And  he  began  to  preach  at  the  corner  of  Tib 
Street. 


OUT    OF    WORK  171 


VIII:  MR.  ELY'S  SERMON 

HE  said: 

'  There  are  many  filthy  streets  in  this  town,  but 
this  is  the  filthiest.  Who  made  it  filthy?  Jah!  It 
is  the  nature  of  man  to  love  his  wife  and  his  children, 
to  dwell  with  them  in  peace  and  loving-kindness. 
But  for  all  his  love,  wherewith  shall  a  man  feed  his 
wife  and  children?  What  clothing  shall  he  give 
them?  What  shelter  find  for  them?  Go  you  into 
this  street  and  look  into  the  houses.  You  will  find 
crumbling  walls,  broken  stairs,  windows  stuffed  with 
clouts :  you  will  find  bare  shelves  and  cupboards :  you 
will  find  dead  children  with  never  so  much  as  a  whole 
shroud  among  them.  You  will  say  that  perhaps 
they  are  better  dead,  but  I  say  unto  you  that  if  a 
man's  children  be  dead  wherewith  shall  he  feed  his 
love?  And  without  a  full  love  in  his  heart  how 
shall  a  man  work  or  live  or  die?  Are  we  born  only 
to  die?  And  if  life  ends  in  death  what  matters  it 
how  life  be  lived?  But,  I  say  unto  you,  that  because 
life  ends  in  death  a  man  must  see  to  it  that  all  his 
days  are  filled  with  love,  which  is  beauty,  which  is 
truth.  And  I  say  unto  you  when  your  eyes  are  filled 
and  bleeding  with  the  pain  of  the  sights  you  shall  see 
here,  go  out  into  the  fields  and  to  the  hills  and  the 
great  waters  and  see  the  sun  rise  and  shed  his  light 


172  WINDMILLS 

and  go  down  and  cast  his  light  upon  the  moon,  and 
draw  vapour  from  the  earth  and  bring  it  again  in  the 
rain ;  and  feel  the  wind  upon  your  faces,  and  see  the 
sodden  air  hang  upon  the  earth  until  the  coming  of 
the  storm  to  cleanse  its  foulness:  and  do  you  mark 
the  flight  of  the  birds,  the  nesting  of  the  birds,  the 
happy  fish  in  the  waters,  the  slow  beasts  in  the  fields : 
observe  the  growth  of  trees  and  plants,  and  grasses 
and  corn.  Then  you  shall  know  the  richness  of  love 
among  the  creatures  that  know  not  Jah.  They  die 
and  are  visited  with  sickness  even  as  we,  but  theirs  is 
a  free  life  and  a  free  death  unconfined  by  any  sick- 
ness of  the  mind  or  tyranny  of  Gods  and  Demons. 
We  alone  among  creatures  are  cheated  of  our  desires 
and  perish  for  the  want  of  food  amid  plenty,  and  are 
cut  off  each  from  his  full  share  of  the  abounding  love 
of  the  world.  Who  takes  our  share?  Jah!  Who 
kills  our  love?  Jah!  Who  filches  the  best  of  our 
thoughts,  the  keenest  sap  of  our  courage?  Who 
fills  our  lives  and  homes  with  darkness  and  despair, 
and  meanness  and  emptiness?  Jah!  I  know  not 
who  Jah  is,  nor  whence  He  came,  but  I  will  dethrone 
Him." 


OUT    OF    WORK  173 

IX:  THE  EFFECT  OF  MR.  ELY'S 
SERMON 

STREET  oratory  was  at  that  time  very  common,  but 
there  was  a  note  in  Mr.  Ely's  eloquence  which  at- 
tracted many  of  the  inhabitants  of  the  district,  espe- 
cially the  young,  and  he  achieved  a  certain  fame. 
No  one  knew  exactly  what  he  was  talking  about,  for, 
except  for  expletive  purposes,  the  word  Jah  had 
dropped  out  of  the  vernacular.  Mr.  Ely  was  as- 
sumed to  be  some  kind  of  politician,  and  he  was  cer- 
tainly more  exciting  than  most.  Therefore  his  au- 
diences were  twice  as  large  as  those  of  any  other 
speaker.  Seeing  this,  a  Labour  Agitator  came  to 
him  and  offered  him  a  place  on  his  committee  and  a 
pound  a  week  as  a  lecturer. 

"  I  can  speak  about  nothing  but  Jah,"  said  Mr. 
Ely. 

"  Speak  about  anything  you  like  so  long  as  you 
catch  their  ears,"  said  the  agitator. 

So  Mr.  Ely  accepted  the  offer. 


X:  THE  WIDOW  MARTIN 

WHE.N  Mr.  Ely  told  his  infernal  companion  of  his 
engagement  Mr.  Nicodemus  said: 


174  WINDMILLS 

"  Talking  is  a  very  human  way  of  creating  a  dis- 
turbance. My  way  and  Jah's  way  is  the  way  of 
corruption.  We  unseat  the  mind  and  poison  the 
soul  with  unsatisfiable  desires.  But  if  you  wish  it  I 
will  go  with  you.  We  have  lit  a  fire  in  Tib  Street 
that  will  burn  itself  out  without  us." 

"  I  should  like  your  company,"  replied  Mr.  Ely. 
"  It  helps  me  to  be  reminded  that  Jah  has  been  un- 
just to  more  than  human  beings.  It  redoubles  my 
fury  and  kindles  my  eloquence.  I  am  determined  to 
earn  my  pound  a  week  and  drive  Jah  out  of  the 
land." 

The  devil  began  to  draw  on  his  shabby  fur  coat. 
Mrs.  Martin  had  been  listening  to  their  conversa- 
tion. She  burst  in  upon  them  and  vowed  that  her 
Nick  should  never,  never  leave  her.  With  horrible 
callousness  Mr.  Nicodemus  told  her  that  he  was 
pledged  to  Mr.  Ely,  and  asked  her  for  his  tail.  She 
refused  to  give  it  up,  and  was  so  stubborn  that,  at 
last,  after  they  had  argued  with  her,  and  pleaded 
and  stormed,  and  bribed  and  bullied,  she  said  she 
would  produce  his  tail  if  she  might  go  with  them; 
and  they  consented,  for  Mr.  Nicodemus  said  that  if 
he  were  ever  returned  to  power  he  would  be  in  need 
of  his  tail,  and  indeed  would  be  a  ridiculous  object 
without  it,  his  system  of  damnation  being  supported 
by  tradition  and  symbol  and  ritual. 

They  had  a  merry  supper-party,  and  that  night 


OUT    OF    WORK  175 

took  train  for  the  town  appointed  for  Mr.  Ely's  first 
appearance  on  a  political  platform. 


XI:  MAKING  A  STIR 

WHERE  other  politicians  dealt  in  statistics,  which, 
after  all,  are  but  an  intellectual  excitement,  a  kind 
of  mental  cats'-cradle,  our  orator  sounded  three 
notes :  he  appealed  to  a  man's  love  of  women,  his 
love  of  children,  and  led  his  audience  on  to  hatred  of 
Jah.  To  the  first  two  they  responded,  were  per- 
suaded that  they  were  as  he  said,  cheated  and  be- 
trayed, and,  though  they  could  not  follow  him  fur- 
ther without  losing  their  heads,  they  lost  them  and 
were  filled  with  hatred.  And  as  Mr.  Ely  never 
made  any  reference  either  to  Government  or  Oppo- 
sition his  speeches*  were  reported  in  the  newspapers 
on  both  sides,  and  aroused  the  greatest  interest 
through  the  country.  The  well-to-do  found  break- 
fast insipid  without  his  utterances,  and,  to  support 
him,  they  subscribed  largely  to  the  funds  of  the  or- 
ganisation which  promoted  his  efforts.  His  salary 
was  raised  to  two  pounds  a  week  on  the  day  when  a 
Conservative  organ  published  his  portrait  and  a 
leading  article  on  the  golden  sincerity  of  the  Work- 
ing Classes. 


176  WINDMILLS 


XII:  MAKING  A  STIRABOUT 

WHERE  other  orators  damned  everything  from  sew- 
ing cotton  to  battleships,  and  so  could  not  avoid 
giving  offence,  Mr.  Ely  damned  only  Jah  and  hurt 
nobody's  feelings.  But  he  produced  an  effect.  He 
laid  every  grievance  at  Jah's  door,  and  roused  so 
much  enthusiasm  that  at  last  he  began  to  believe  in 
his  power. 

It  is  not  often  that  the  people  find  a  leader,  and 
when  they  do  they  expect  him  to  lead.  They  were 
impatient  for  Mr.  Bly  to  reveal  to  them  a  line  of  ac- 
tion, and  here  he  was  puzzled.  It  was  one  thing 
(he  found)  to  talk  about  Jah,  another  to  bring  Jah 
to  book.  He  had  no  other  machinery  than  that  of 
the  Labour  Agitators,  who  had  been  making  elabo- 
rate preparations  for  a  strike.  Their  preparations 
were  excellent,  but  their  followers  were  reluctant. 
They  could  provide  them  with  no  adequate  motive. 
In  vain  did  they  talk  of  the  dawn  of  Labour,  the 
Rights  of  the  Worker,  and  a  Place  in  the  Sun;  to  all 
these  the  people  preferred  the  prospect  of  pay  on 
Saturday.  Nothing  could  stir  them,  until,  at  last, 
at  one  of  Mr.  Ely's  meetings  when  he  was  being 
hailed  as  a  leader  and  implored  to  lead,  and  at  his 
wit's  end  what  to  do,  upon  a  whisper  from  behind, 
he  said: 


OUTOFWORK  177 

"  Strike !  Strike  against  Jah !  You  are  work- 
ers! Why  do  you  work?  To  feed  your  children. 
Your  children  die.  Strike,  I  say,  strike  while  the 
iron  is  hot,  the  iron  that  has  entered  into  your  souls 
from  the  cruel  tyranny  of  Jah !  There  is  no  other 
enemy.  You  have  no  other  foe.  .  .  ." 

He  did  not  need  to  say  more.  The  fat  was  in  the 
fire. 

XIII.  SPARKS  FLYING 

THE  fat  crackled  and  sputtered.  In  thirty-six 
hours  the  business  of  the  town  was  at  a  standstill, 
and  by  that  time  Mr.  Ely  had  visited  three  other 
towns,  and  they  too  succumbed  to  his  passion.  At 
every  town  he  visited  he  was  welcomed  with  brass 
bands  and  red  carpets,  and  his  orders  were  obeyed. 
The  Labour  Agitators  of  the  neighbouring  countries 
desired  his  services  and  cabled  for  him,  and  he  prom- 
ised to  go  as  soon  as  Jah  was  driven  out  of  Fatland. 

The;  strikes  were  begun  in  feasting  and  merry- 
making, and  things  were  done  that  delighted  Mr. 
Nicodemus  and  the  widow  Martin's  heart: 

"  The  men  are  becoming  quite  themselves  again." 

And  Mr.  Nicodemus  gazed  upon  it  all  and  sighed : 

11  Ah !     If  only  Hell  were  open !  " 

The  widow  Martin  gazed  upon  him  voluptuously 
and  muttered: 


178  WINDMILLS 

"  It  would  be  just  'Eaven  to  keep  that  public 
you're  always  talking  about  for  ever  and  ever  with 
you." 


XIV:  SMOULDERING 


THE  strikers  soon  came  to  grips  with  want  and  the 
very  poor  were  brought  to  starvation.  Only  the 
more  fiercely  for  that  did  their  passion  glow.  They 
forgot  all  about  Mr.  Ely  and  Jah:  they  were  only 
determined  not  to  give  in.  They  knew  not  where- 
fore they  were  fighting,  and  were  savagely  resolved 
not  to  return  to  their  old  ways  without  some  pal- 
pable change.  Forces  and  emotions  had  been 
stirred  which  led  them  to  look  for  a  miracle,  and 
without  the  miracle  they  preferred  to  die.  The 
miracle  did  not  come  and  many  of  them  died. 


XV:  SUCCOUR 

WITH  a  moderate  but  assured  income  the  Fattish 
are  humane,  that  is  to  say,  they  grope  like  shadows 
through  life  and  shun  the  impenetrable  shadow  of 
death.  They  shuddered  to  think  of  the  very  poor 
dying  with  their  eyes  gazing  forward  for  the  miracle 
that  never  came,  and  they  said: 


OUTOFWORK  179 

"  To  think  of  their  finding  no  miracle  but  death! 
It  is  too  horrible.  Can  such  things  be  in  Fatland? 
Why  don't  we  do  something?  " 

So  they  formed  committees  and  wrote  to  the 
newspapers  and  started  various  funds;  and  they  in- 
vited Mr.  Ely  to  lecture  in  aid  of  them. 

He  came  to  Bondon,  lectured,  and  became  the 
fashion.  He  discovered  to  his  amazement  that 
there  were  rich  people  in  Fatland,  and  these  rich 
people  formed  Anti-Jah  societies.  Enormous  sums 
of  money  were  collected  for  the  strikers,  because 
the  rich  were  so  delighted  to  be  amused.  Mr.  Ely 
amused  them  enormously.  Mr.  Nicodemus  gave  a 
course  of  lectures  on  the  Kingdom  from  which  Jah 
had  deposed  him,  and  Mrs.  Martin  held  meetings  for 
women  only,  to  expound  her  views  of  men.  For 
years  the  rich  people  had  not  been  so  vastly  enter- 
tained, and  they  poured  out  money  for  the  strikers. 

Unfortunately  their  subscriptions  could  buy  little 
else  for  the  very  poor  but  coffins,  and  of  them  the 
supply  soon  came  to  an  end. 

Famine  and  pestilence  stalked  abroad,  but  only 
the  more  fiercely  did  Mr.  Ely  urge  the  destruction 
of  Jah,  and  the  more  blindly  and  desperately  did  the 
starving  poor  of  Fatland  look  for  the  miracle. 

But  soon  not  only  were  the  poor  starving,  but  the 
comfortable,  the  tradespeople,  the  professional 
classes,  the  humane  persons  with  moderate  but  as- 


l8o  WINDMILLS 

sured  incomes  were  faced  with  want.  Rats  were 
now  five  shillings  a  brace,  and  a  nest  of  baby  mice 
was  known  to  fetch  four  shillings. 

When  the  rich  found  their  meals  were  costing 
them  more  than  a  pound  a  head  then  they  forgot 
their  craze  and  Mr.  Bly,  and  Mr.  Nicodemus  and 
the  widow  Martin  withdrew  from  Bondon.  Mr. 
Bly  was  no  longer  reported  in  the  newspapers.  His 
name  had  become  offensive,  the  bloom  had  gone 
from  his  novelty,  the  varnish  from  his  reputation, 
and  the  sting  out  of  his  power. 

In  all  the  towns  gaunt  spectre-like  men  began  to 
sneak  back  to  work,  and  Mr.  Bly  was  nigh  frenzied 
with  rage,  disgust  and  despair. 

"  It  is  Jah !  "  he  said.  "  It  is  Jah.  He  has  crept 
into  the  hearts  of  men.  He  has  stirred  their  minds 
against  me.  Oh!  my  grief.  He  has  used  me  to 
bring  men  lower  yet,  so  that  they  will  live  in  viler 
dwellings,  and  eat  of  fouler  food,  and  be  more 
meanly  clad,  more  verminous  than  ever.  The 
women  will  be  lower  sluts  and  shrews  than  they  have 
ever  been,  and  of  their  children  it  will  be  hard  to 
see  how  they  can  ever  grow  into  men  and  women. 
Deeper  and  deeper  into  the  pit  has  Jah  brought  us, 
and  there  is  now  no  hope." 

And  in  his  agony  he  remembered  how  in  his  child- 
hood he  had  been  taught  to  pray  to  Jah,  and  he 
knelt  and  prayed  that  he  might  come  face  to  face 


OUT    OF    WORK  l8l 

with  Jah,  to  tell  Him  what  He  had  done,  and  to  im- 
plore Him  to  make  an  end  of  His  cruelty  and  to  de- 
stroy all  at  once. 

Hearing  him  pray  Mr.  Nicodemus  fled  from  his 
side  and  left  him  alone  with  the  Widow  Martin. 
Said  she: 

"  Don't  take  on  so,  dearie.  A  man's  no  call  to 
take  on  so  when  he  has  a  woman  by  his  side. 
There's  nothing  else  in  the  nature  of  things,  but  men 
and  women  only.  If  we  starve,  we  starve:  and  if 
we  die,  we  die,  it's  all  one.  Have  done,  I  say, 
there's  always  room  for  a  bit  o'  fun." 

"  Fun!  "cried  Mr.  Ely. 

And  the  comfortable  creature  took  his  head  to 
her  bosom,  and  there  he  sobbed  out  his  grief. 


XVI:  ON  THE  ROAD 

So  the  strike  ended,  and  Nicholas  Ely  walked  from 
town  to  town  marking  its  effects.  It  was  as  he  had 
foreseen,  and  men  were  lower  than  before,  and 
every  night  he  prayed  that  he  might  meet  Jah  to 
curse  Him  to  His  face.  For  days  on  end  he  would 
utter  never  a  word,  but  the  widow  Martin  stayed 
with  him  and  saw  that  he  ate  and  drank,  stealing, 
begging,  wheedling,  selling  herself  to  get  him  food. 
She  would  say: 


1 82  WINDMILLS 

"  It's  not  like  Mr.  Nicodemus.  There's  very 
little  fun  in  him,  but  a  woman  doesn't  care  for  fun 
when  she's  sorry  for  a  man." 

He  was  a  grim  sight  now,  was  Nicholas  Ely.  His 
ragged  clothes  hung  and  flapped  on  him  as:  on  a 
scarecrow.  His  cheeks  were  sunken  and  patched 
with  a  dirty  grey  stubble.  His  eyes  glared  fever- 
ishly out  of  red  sockets,  and  they  seemed  to  see 
nothing  but  to  be  asking  for  a  sight  of  something. 
There  was  a  sort  of  film  on  them,  but  the  light  in  the 
man  shone  through  it.  His  shoulders  were  bowed 
and  his  thin  arms  hung  limply  by  his  side,  but  always 
his  face  was  upturned,  and  he  shook  as  he  walked, 
like  a  flame. 

The  malady  in  him  drove  him  to  the  heights. 
His  desire  was  to  be  near  the  sky.  Presently  he 
forsook  the  towns  and  went  from  one  range  of  hills 
to  another  seeking  the  highest  in  Fatland. 

At  last  after  many  days  he  reached  the  highest 
hill,  and  there  he  lay  flat  on  his  face  and  would 
neither  eat  nor  drink.  By  his  side  sat  the  widow 
Martin,  and  she  made  certain  that  he  was  going  to 
die,  and  produced  two  pennies  to  lay  upon  his  eye- 
lids when  death  should  come. 

On  the  third  day  he  turned  over  on  his  back  and 
said: 

"  Jah  is  coming." 

And  it  was  so. 


OUT    OF    WORK  183 

Up  the  steep  path  came  a  man  with  a  great  beard 
and  a  huge  nose  and  eyes  that  twinkled  with  the 
light  of  merriment  and  shone  with  the  tenderness  of 
irony,  and  blazed  with  the  fire  of  genius.  By  his 
side  walked  a  slim  dark  figure,  and  with  a  joyful  cry 
the  widow  Martin  declared  it  to  be  Mr.  Nicodemus. 

Nicholas  Ely  sat  up  and  began  to  rehearse  all  the 
curses  that  in  his  bitterness  he  had  prepared. 


XVII:  JAH 

HE  began : 

"  By  the  dead  bodies  of  the  children  of  men;  by 
the  plagues  and  diseases  of  the  bodies  of  women; 
by  the  festering " 

Very  quietly  Jah  took  His  seat  by  his  side  and  mo- 
tioned to  Mr.  Nicodemus  to  take  up  his  position  in 
front  of  them.  In  a  voice  of  the  most  musical 
sweetness  and  with  a  rich  full  diction  He  said: 

"  As  we  made  the  ascent  I  was  expostulating  with 
my  friend  here  for  the  absurdity  of  his  attempt  to 
reinstate  himself  in  the  world.  There  is  no  Hell. 
Neither  is  there  a  Heaven.  These  places  live  by 
faith  as  we  have  done.  It  is  a  little  difficult  for  us 
to  understand,  but  we  have  no  occasion  for  resent- 
ment. Separately  it  is  impossible  for  us  to  under- 
stand. My  meeting  with  my  dark  friend  here  led 


184  WINDMILLS 

me  a  little  way  on  the  road  towards  a  solution.  The 
four  of  us  may  arrive  at  something." 
The  widow  Martin  scanned  Jah  closely: 
"  You've  been  a  fine  man  in  your  time." 
"  I  have  never  been  a  man,"  replied  Jah  sadly. 
"  Nor  have  I  been  able  to  play  my  part  in  human  af- 
fairs. Like  my  friend  here  I  have  been  an  exile.  I 
have  been  forced  to  dwell  in  the  mists  of  supersti- 
tion, even  as  he  has  been  confined  in  the  dark  depths 
of  lust.  Until  now  I  never  understood  our  inter- 
dependence. I  am  the  imagination  of  man.  He  is 
man's  passion.  Together  we  can  bring  about  the 
release  of  love  in  his  soul.  Separately  we  can  do 
nothing  to  break  his  folly,  his  stupidity,  his  brutality, 
his  vain  selfishness.  Without  us  he  can  be  inquisi- 
tive and  clever,  vigorous  and  energetic,  but  he  re- 
mains insensible,  unjust,  cruel  and  cowardly." 

And  Nicholas  BIy  roused  himself  and  he  seemed 
to  grow,  and  the  film  fell  from  his  eyes  and  he  cried : 
"  Blessed  be  Jah,  blessed  be  Nicodemus,  blessed 
be  man  and  the  heart  of  man,  blessed  be  woman 
and  the  love  of  woman,  blessed  be  life,  blessed  be 
death!" 

So  saying  he  rose  to  his  feet.  Before  his  face  the 
sun  was  sinking  in  the  evening  glory :  behind  him  the 
moon  rose. 


OUT    OF    WORK  185 


XVIII:  JAH  SPEAKS 

A  GREAT  wind  blew  through  Nicholas  Ely's  hair  and 
he  bowed  his  head  in  acceptance  of  the  wonder  of 
the  universe. 

As  the  moon  rose  to  her  zenith  Jah  said: 
"  There  are  Wonders  beyond  me  and  God  is  be- 
yond imagination.  My  dwelling  is  in  the  mind  of 
men,  but  I  have  been  driven  therefrdm.  My  friend 
here  should  dwell  in  the  heart  of  man,  but  he  has 
been  unseated.  Together  we  should  win  for  man  his 
due  share  of  the  world's  dominion  and  power,  and 
should  be  his  sweetest  stops  in  the  instrument  of  life. 
For  without  us  is  no  joy,  and  with  us  joy  is  fierce. 
I  speak  of  the  woman  also,  for  she  is  the  equal  of 
man  and  his  comrade." 

And  as  the  moon  was  sinking  to  the  west  Jah  said : 
"  We  have  suffered  too  long,  and  we  have  brought 
forth  nothing.  Let  us  no  longer  be  separate,  but 
let  us,  man,  woman,  God  and  Devil,  join  together  to 
bring  forth  joy,  for  until  there  is  joy  on  earth  there 
shall  not  be  justice,  nor  kindness,  nor  understanding, 
nor  any  good  thing.  We  are  but  one  spirit,  for  the 
spirit  is  one,  and  none  but  the  undivided  spirit  can 
see  the  light  of  the  sun." 

Even  as  he  spoke  the  sun  came  up  in  his  majesty, 
dwarfing  the  mighty  hills,  and  Nicholas  Ely  raised 


186  WINDMILLS 

his  head  and  saw  Nicodemus  in  the  likeness  of  a  lusty 
young  man,  fine  and  splendid  in  his  desire,  and  Jah 
in  the  shape  of  a  winged  boy.  And  as  he  saw  them 
they  disappeared,  and  he  said: 

"  They  have  vanished  into  the  air." 
From  the  scarred  hillside  came  an  echo : 
"  Into  the  air." 


XIX:  SONG 

THEN  did  Nicholas  Ely  sing: 

"  I  have  lived,  I  have  loved,  I  have  died, 

And  my  spirit  has  burned  like  a  flame; 
In  the  furnace  of  life  my  soul  has  been  tried,         I 
I  have  dwindled  to  ashes  of  shame. 

I  have  glowed  to  the  winds  of  my  own  desire, 
I  have  flickered  and  flared  and  roared, 

Through  the  endless  night  has  flashed  my  delight 
To  declare  my  joy  in  the  Lord. 

For  the  Lord  is  life  and  I  am  His, 

And  His  are  my  shame  and  my  pride. 

My  song  is  His :  my  Lord  sings  this : 
I  have  lived,  I  have  loved,  I  have  died." 


OUTOFWORK  187 


XX:  MORNING 

WAKING,  the  woman  said : 

"  How  is  it  with  you,  my  man?  " 

He  answered: 

"  I  feel  truly  that  I  am  a  man." 

Gazing  upon  the  woman,  he  saw  that  she  was 
beautiful. 


XXI:  HOPE 

THEY  came  down  from  the  hills,  and  a  mist  de- 
scended upon  them,  and  presently  a  driving  rain. 
They  were  glad  of  each  other,  and  smiled  their  joy 
upon  all  whom  they  met.  Nicholas  Ely  never 
ceased  to  make  songs,  and  as  he  sang  the  woman 
laughed  merrily.  The  songs  he  made  he  sang  to 
many  men,  but  none  would  listen  except  the  drunken 
man  in  the  public-houses. 

One  day  a  very  drunken  man  asked  Nicholas  Ely 
to  sing  a  song  again,  and  he  refused,  because  he 
wished  to  sing  a  better  song.  The  man  offered  him 
a  mug  of  beer  to  sing  again,  but  he  refused,  saying: 

"  I  do  not  sing  for  hire." 

The  man  despised  him  and  drank  the  beer  him- 
self, saying: 


l88  WINDMILLS 

"  It's  a  silly  kind  of  sod  will  sing  for  nothing." 

And  he  would  hear  no  more. 

So  it  was  everywhere.  None  could  understand 
that  Nicholas  Ely  should  sing  for  the  delight  of  it  or 
that  there  could  be  a  joy  to  set  him  singing.  In  the 
end,  and  that  soon,  his  heart  broke  and  he  died,  and 
Fatland  is  as  it  is. 

Mr.  Nicodemus  and  Jah  were  never  seen  again, 
nor  in  Fatland  is  there  trace  or  memory  of  them. 

But  within  the  womb  of  the  woman  was  the  child 
of  her  man,  so  that  she  gazed  in  upon  herself  with 
a  great  hope.  In  this  she  was  so  absorbed  that  the 
insensibility  of  the  Fattish  moved  her  not  at  all  and 
she  forgot  to  apply  for  her  maternity  benefit. 


THE    END   OF 
WINDMILLS 


,.li    SiPJi™™  REGIONAL  LIBRARY  FACILITY 


A     000  047  561     6 


